Path of self discovery

Ok..  Without much hesitation let's go to the list of personal boundaries, ie. those things that should not be done or I shouldn't be provoked to do:

• Ghosting -10%. I completely and utterly do not like blocks and disappearings without any comments or taking the situation and twisting it towards some angle, which somehow guarantees the possibility or even need of blocking, and disappearing. Or - alternatively, if both of us in the relationship have been acting impulsively and emotionally, reactively and without big predictions for n years... Then it is allowed for both of us and both of us must remain blameless, not ashamed of it, because otherwise the relationship will not last. But it's best not to do it at all, or if it happens, it is supposed to be temporary... Because everything happens to everyone, but I need at least something... something to know that the person hasn't left, any kind of consensual message, or some note through others or any other sign, no matter how meaningless and incomprehensible :D
• Distancing -10%. I need a person to communicate with me, not only in private and not only in public, but not to be afraid to flirt together in public or on the Internet or live, and also to be able to spend time together freely, if that is the case. I don't see any need to be dragged to someone's personal space only, for their own needs, like some kind of animal, or that the other person I am attracted to should be kept in the role of such a creature, and I don't see any need to stay in the place of some drooling fan or ideal, almost god alike on a pedestal. I kind of dislike extremes... Unless shortly for thrills. 
• Immaturity -10%. Well, it is hard to have a person with a disability, including financial...emotional as well. Well, you want maturity, I understand that it is very difficult for almost everyone, we are all lame in some way, and sometimes even blind. It's just that safety in the relationship is important... And you really rely on the fact that both separately and together won't fail and will be just fine. That everything will be fine...and it is so at this moment too. And maybe it's even more desirable that the traumas of the two of us and results of these traumas simply match, and not cross, because an ideally independent person is not healthy, in reality... it smells like counter-dependency - where a person is sooooo independent that he/she needs another person to depend on them. You don't want that. 
• Manipulation -15%. Well, the truth is that women have learned this because it's the best tool for defense and getting what they need without much fighting (with men)... But in a relationship, it's unreliable, intolerable, and provokes behavior that no one involved wants to remember later, not at all... And we, most probably, all had similar women as guardians growing up, so I suggest that anyone is okay to pay attention to this, not necessarily only women. Also, gaslighting is an even more sophisticated and cruel version to manipulate. It works, but for a short time and with painful consequences... It's better not to do it... Trust, and faith in each other help here.
• Dissociation -15%. Separateness, even when physically being together. What you don't want is to sit in a room and feel like you're alone in it, with no connection, no love, no togetherness. That's not acceptable. You're not a thing, I'm not a thing, we connect, we need connection and it really doesn't have to be super physical, although hugs or slaps on the shoulder are always good C: It's so much simpler and easier... with some awareness a connection seems much more pleasant than just a social obligation that kinda seems to be imposed on you C: Well... By the way, complete detachment and even a kind of loss of self is a complete horror, when your comrade seems to be attacked by some non-existent enemies who most likely just came down from the chimney... Well, or you suddenly become that enemy for him, and that "enemy" needs to be neutralized by any means or at least distanced from it. And well.. this is not a hospital, and neither you nor we are patients... Also if I eternally need to play a patient so that you feel valuable, oh the saint doctor, an eternal benefactor... well. Maybe then you need to exercise some or something because that much stressful bond is definitely not going to do any good for either of you. In other words, this circus is not necessarily acceptable.
• Infidelities -20%. Of course, both physical and emotional infidelity are indelibly painful and hardly forgiven unless both parties are willing to take responsibility for their contribution to such events... Whoever is unfaithful needs to learn self-discipline for firmness of good behavior with a close one. And the one with whom someone was unfaithful should take responsibility for establishing a firmness of good behavior with him/herself. That is a fact with women for me...I'm not clear here yet about emotional infidelity though. Anyway, emotional betrayal is no easier than physical betrayal, I think so at this point. Just as everyone wants to know whose offspring the child really is, they also want to know if a person won't disappear one day without saying a word to raise that child. So, let's talk, let's say what's wrong before it explodes or we will start looking for shelter in another heart, let's listen, and explain until we understand each other... accept one another's reality, and then we'll slowly find a way out. Sometimes a beautiful breakup or a change of relationship status (for example, from friendship to acquaintances) is also a way out, much better than silent disappearance or an avalanche of conflicts... a wall of silence, even if you stay together, or the getting rid of relational "shit" outside the relationship or even on own children.
• Inequality -20%. I'd like to have fun with a friend, not be too serious or have a painful relationship that I'd rather avoid than be around... where there's some kind of minefield.. impenetrable rooms, labyrinths... inaccessibility, playing a star, not being able to get close because after all, the gentleman connects only with his equals, and you are not equal... I want honesty, not being led like a donkey somewhere behind a carrot... I like equality in a relationship, I consider the formation of a different dynamic a betrayal. And I don't want to do everything alone also... I want a safe person who sees this in me too... so that we both grow safety for each other and for oneself at the same time... if I see that I work too much or the other does way more than I can, it oppresses me... I want there to be a sharing of work, roles, load, and responsibility... also without cheating and forever putting themselves in the position of the winner... and without that desire to put me on the throne of some king, I have nothing against sitting on it for a while, if I deserved it, but not for the reason to be milked all the time... I am inclined to give anyway, so just wait and you will get some :)... and it's even worse when they're milking, but they pretend that hint that I also have to pretend that it's not happening... in other words, all the milkmen - OUT. And cows too... It's not a barn, we can both help and accept help, you just have to try to find a suitable exchange partner for it... otherwise, no one survives. And that's it. Failure to accept the exchange mutually benefits, to the extent that it exists in the capacity of each person... is to me a betrayal of the principles of friendship. This is not friendship then, but some kind of perversion.

Ok... I think that's it for now. Long entry, but at least clear and detailed. I hope it will help someone to understand what you would like for yourself and what you really can't allow in the circle of your loved and closest ones... Building a kind of beacon ⛯ for those who aren't indifferent about people who are close to them and to whom they would like to be close to themselves.

Important notes:
- The mentioned genders/sexes vary in this entry mostly because of our brain/bodies being eternally just as complicated as the universe itself and you usually can't address the person as one solid piece of the one and only one thing. You can read more on this here or here, etc. ☯️☯️☯️
- You can look up my previous attempt to set personal boundaries in this entry - here.
- If you tried to connect with me and accidentally calculated your answers to what I wrote here and got more than 50% (or didn't understand most of my entry), be a good pal and just direct your attempts for friendship towards someone more suitable.

Best day wishes to anyone !!! ​💐

This post will probably be repetitive and only with a simple change that happened over time due to experience, or maybe not necessarily so, but let's see what we'll get before judging.
I want to write in my preferences (and personal boundaries in the next post) for a purely friendly relationship, and I mean not necessarily romantic, as I almost always did before. Maybe I wasn't conscious, maybe I was still succumbing to the initial chemistry there and the desire for heat, etc. Now I want some kind of calmer approach, to start calmly and not suddenly, although that suddenness doesn't seem to be a huge obstacle, but, well, it's often not very sober, super stormy, and the brain tries its best to somehow catch up, but still unsuccessfully, and when it gets to me finally, then even the heart is already convinced that "all of this is pure nonsense" :D and that's it... Or maybe the brain isn't so much late, but in the beginning, the voice of the mind is specifically silenced for sure... And so be it, but again it's good to have some landmarks for orientation. Cold, calm, controlled, peaceful guidance.
Friend preferences: 
A person knows their areas of interest, and their goals in life and/or has come to terms with life's meaninglessness and feels comfortable because of it (well, this is the dilemma of free will, how much of everything is determined and how much is created by us). I want to know if our ways won't clash, so, please, don't confuse us both unnecessarily. +15%
A person understands their preferences, boundaries, and desired/current lifestyle in a relationship (just for a simple compatibility check). For both genders: how much physical closeness is needed, how much communication is needed, whether it is possible to adapt to our differences, and whether sameness does not interfere. For women: Do you want a family or do other important goals conflict? +15%
A person knows their most important values ​​and wants to know you. :) +15%
Knows or wants to know their attachment style and work on it if necessary (this is important for any relationship). Understand that the well-being of both people in a relationship is a matter for both. +15%
A person is comfortable and safe both alone and in company with me, meaning: he/she is financially, emotionally more or less independent adult. +10%
They have no serious bad habits, and if they have, they would like to or are already trying to give them up. They exercise, take care of nutrition, sleep, etc. +10%
A person is not against psychology and LGBT people, they don't stick to either side in politics, and if they do, they aren't blindly hostile to the opposite side. Not hostile to believers/atheists. Just simply does not have an extremely critical black/white mindset. +5%
A person knows or wants to know the love and apology languages ​​of both so that communication and spending time together would be easier and more satisfying :) +5%
They like to live more in the suburbs, away from the noise (I'm sensitive to noise and clutter). Not a sworn, adamant carnivore. +5%
Likes to travel or doesn't mind me traveling, would like to live near or together.​+ 5%

Well... It's changed a lot... but now it will be clearer for both sexes because it's quite difficult to quickly catch up with all the escalation at the beginning of the meet-up otherwise :)) Here is a previous attempt at putting it together. So, it's not a problem if we don't end up at the top of the mountain, orange is also a color.

Have you tried to write down your preferences, wishes, wants needs?? Can you verbalize them in your conversations, clearly and simply? Would you like to receive a similar list from someone else? Do you like clarity and honesty in communication in general? How many preferences should be "covered" to calmly go into a relationship and to hope it will grow into something, well, beautiful, enriching, and just fine? How fast would you want the person to share their answers? How long could you wait for their transparent attempts to check your compatibility? How much unconsciousness in this could you tolerate, since the majority are more or less unaware about this? 

PS: Aha!! If you accidentally calculated your answers to what I wrote here and got more than 50%, be a good dude and just :D message me. 😊 💚

So, about the educational system and why those diplomas, qualifications, and courses are so important, the number of completed projects/clients, the number of organizations/events created, the number of books written... Groups, courses.. mentors, followers, and a whole lot more. All possible cultural, let's say, indicators of the success of a person, a specialist.
Loads of questions appear: 
- How much time is needed just to prove your qualification and the possibility for at least some people to trust you as a specialist?
​- Is it really true that after so many indicators confirming success and reliability, people will really choose you, and not necessarily a person who hasn't that much, but who, let's say, is simply younger or simply does not care so much about those officially accepted achievements, but purely about the results of his real work and the people with whom he has to work?
- Where is the line or the healthy balance between that internal drive and fire and that, shall we say, more external evaluation and recognition (which is not necessarily only external)?
There are still a lot of related questions too, for example:
- Why people are so inclined to swear by everything possible that their relationships are and SHOULD BE based only on that inner cry, feeling, fire, etc., when in the meantime when choosing a specialist, they will DEFINITELY and WITHOUT A DOUBT choose something with external evidence, signs of success.
- Where does that divide come from and is it healthy at all, even if it's normal because it really is very common and normalized...anyone who has their own preferences, and boundaries, and knows exactly what can and can't work in a relationship is considered something of an ufo, abnormal, just like someone who works and is very successful without special diplomas, countless courses, organizations, etc. well, but let's go back to the building own professional image.
Again, I probably won't turn out to be very popular, and hopefully, I won't give in to the desire to run after "likes", although this is by no means a bad thing, to have an audience that cares about what you do and what you share, we are already terribly separated from each other the other due to all kinds of traumas and the hard-to-understand cultural norms, for example, exalted independence and individualism... (again, for example in the healing period or therapy, such a period is inevitable). But I hope, at the same time, there will not be a particularly cold and rationalized presentation, which completely cripples the message being transmitted, because even AI is being tried to be made socially acceptable and "emotional" :D Our good, growing, and nurturing relationships with each other are impossible to erase and we must have true cultural norms and boundaries, according to which we could navigate when choosing those specialists that we cannot be ourselves, although such jobs are sometimes simply necessary in our every day, etc.

And how much attention is there to time too...
- you won't have time,
- it's too late,
- there are other areas of life: you want to create something alike a family, possibly, you want to travel, see the world, you want to deal with traumatic experiences, you want to push on physical health, and maybe even strongly, you want a house, just want to go and develop that or this hobby.
- How much time do you have to make sure you look like a reliable specialist and also not lose or forget your inner fire, take care of your passion, purify it, ensuring it burns and develops, even if without great official formalities? Everything has its price, time = money... and how often there just simply aren't enough hours in one day.
- Will we be able to reconcile things... maybe there will just be times when the fire will be left to fend for itself... And is that an entirely bad thing? etc.

I think it's really necessary to have your eyes on both spots somewhat, if you really want to be a specialist who is not only good because he's, well, a little crazy about what he does and what his fire is, but also has that officially recognized baggage, so that his work is recognized and available to those who may need it most. Spots that feed each other and complement each other as well. If you are a complete outsider with considerable talent and quite a workload, but which, let's say, can not necessarily impress others, then such a situation can gradually turn into self-sabotage, because simply, why follow a path that is fine and necessary only for you and your inner self social circle? After all, this is more the image of a hobby than a profession... And again, if you are not passionate about what you do, what you study, volunteering for some organizations, etc... Well, maybe you chose it because of direct/indirect family pressure, or maybe you chose it because it was considered a popular wave of that time, maybe because of money, because of an image, to be among ok people and something else... It can simply die out, get exhausted, if it doesn't lead to the growth of that liked related thing, for example - money... or social recognition among colleagues, or your family will not be satisfied either way. Well, in other words, the thing that your chosen profession guarantees, it will not grow or grow temporarily or not so impressively. To be honest, I don't know when there is no passion, and the profession is based on a different foundation, if that choice will last, but I am convinced that such a specialist is often a completely frozen landscape, which is based on pure intelligence alone, not emotions... and we all are emotional creatures basically, well, just because of that trauma alone, even if you understand it intellectually, it doesn't heal at all, and it's because nothing changes on an emotional level. But then again, to expect that only emotions/passions will lead to reaching professional ambitions and drives... well, that's not the attitude of a sober or mature person... or say, although the story of Don Quixote is romantic enough, maybe it's just a bit painful too.

P.s.: anyway the best diploma of my life is for endurance and sportsmanship, when I finished the distance with a broken ski while falling behind everyone by a good few hundred meters... 🏅 well, apart from all the annual ones for good studying, loads of them.

​Self-harm usually is classified as a fawn response, why? Well, let's take a simple very physical example for illustration: a person has acted in such a way that you want to hit him or similar... And here you go to him to crack it up, and he suddenly starts hitting himself, or if you want to yell and so at him, and he starts verbally abusing himself loudly, apologizes, diminishes himself, defeats himself, devalues himself... He simply becomes some kind of self-abusive crazy one just before your eyes. Would there be at least some desire to do something for him (or her) then? Most of the time no, not much, you just want to go away and never come back to him or call an ambulance if he's dangerously self-destructing, or be happy that "trash took itself out", or you have this thought "I knew he was fcking nothing, eesh". So the essence of such behavior is to reduce violence to yourself... Because you will abuse yourself not as brutally as others, you will hit yourself maybe not in the eye, but somewhere nearby and not as hard, etc. You can control it, but you can't ever really control another person's actions... That's it. Maybe now it is clear why people can harm themselves... And why and how does it become a problem?
The problem is that if such defense was needed for a very long time and, let's say, constantly, well, if there were no supportive, listening, or at least more curious people around, and you not only experienced some kind of violence every day, but it happened constantly and for a long time. These and similar defenses gradually became a part of life, well...they became parts of YOU...You were and still are now what your environment completely rejected and you simultaneously became and integrated into yourself the parts that mirrored your violent environment. .. And that's why you can still be both yourself and that entity that can and actually does abuse yourself (well because that's how you managed to reduce abuse from others once)... In other words, by the environment in which you grew up you've been taught that this is the way the world is and that this way of treating yourself, it is normal, acceptable, and even encouraged. That's it... And times are changing, the world is bigger than just relatives and school, and gradually an adult man realizes that his behavior is not very adequate, but he just didn't learn it differently, because there was no way to learn it differently... And what's even more sticky is that he/she will involuntarily want to keep the world the way he/she has learned, so those who are either similar to him/her or to that person's environment while growing up will gather around, well, i.e. people similar to his parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, teachers, etc. Closed circle.
This problem, which again is very well and simply called self-hatred... It's really super complicated... Because even if a person goes to therapy, coaching, etc., and even gets a peaceful role model, an environment where there's no violence against them, neither physically nor psychologically... Where a professional can and does make mistakes... and has his/her own problems, doesn't always understand, etc., but is still NOT violent or abusive... Even then, that shadow remains, saying that something is wrong with you and this therapeutic relationship only proves that, healthy people don't go to therapy, they just live lalalala... well, those abusive thoughts and so on, which are cultivated from very young years, directly or indirectly... which sit like a program code in the brain... Besides after getting used to the environment in which you grew up, it is so difficult and scary to change, this coding (scary because of the unknown, and newness)...
Well, but... to put it briefly and simply, I think that no matter how deep the codes of the self-hatred program are written into the brain, it is really possible to change them, and it is the coding, not the arrangement and color of the buttons or something... As so many people think that is a good idea to simply change the design. Like, if I take help, then I am not healthy." Well, usually such people have the belief that through a partner, friends, activities, and achievements, it is possible to "get rid" of it, that self-hatred... but in reality, they only feed it, because the more you "stuff" the wound to look ok, the more it festers ... it just takes good care and openness for real healing to begin. This is also a broad topic, because many specialists conduct very standard sessions, and it is much easier to prescribe drugs after some label of theee diagnosis, instead of long repetitive conversations, and long pumping of unconditional love, until the person slowly slowly recovers... with the risk that they might not recover. My therapist (who has a sufficiently twisted sense of humor :D) keeps telling me that I'm going down the harder paths, but are they really harder if the alternative is a mountain of drugs... or/and some "effective" and "positive" addiction, in my case it would probably be work (with quite fine accomplishments) and toxic relationships (which would be followed by a quite charming and likable climb out of the SAME but slightly different pit). :D Then, well, it's definitely the harder path I choose...
That's it... And if some really important part of your personality has just been pushed into oblivion as non-existent and you now have an impressive self-loathing auto-mechanism on it... I believe it can be tamed... and I give good energy to those who are already trying to tame it.
AHA, but what! about self-control :)) Well, after all, people are told that she/he is out of control when hurting her/himself... It's the other way around... They've learned to control themselves so much that it's beyond the limits of humanity... and they can even be attacky or start gaslighting you and etc, if you show that you don't need that harsh defense with you, that they can release that control at least a little bit. All these demons and monsters, beasts and darkness within... who have become "best" and perhaps the only "friends"... Can slowly give way to the parts that have been pushed out, demoralized, cut off, and left to fate... In this way, self-hatred slowly begins to dissolve. Being red-haired is ok, writing with your left is ok, many things today are ok, what was a complete taboo in some Soviet Union or some Zimbabwe (I have nothing against Zimbabve or other places, I grew up in one like these).
You understand reality and yourself adequately enough, you know well enough who you are and what you want, you know how to make life decisions and choices, you know how to live, and you are ready for secure relationships. Not necessarily ideal, not necessarily flawless... but definitely not necessarily with that inhuman hatred for yourself and your behavior either.

So... One more message from me about diagnoses.
I'll try to keep it short while the avalanche of hostile people because we don't agree hasn't turned into a quantity that would allow social media algorithms to monitor my activity as if it were, well, terrorism at the very least :D Just kidding, I have a deep belief that it can be avoided this cancel culture or, let's say, victim culture and if it's inevitable for someone, it might be a certain sign that you have broken away from the flow of time and no longer feel the so-called Zeitgeist (EN: Spirit of time, that was very popular movement around 2007-2011 based on film series with the same name, and it helped me to become an atheist then)... Well... and this cancel culture phenomenon is nothing new at all, it's just a modernized and digitized Lynching. And just for the sake of a good little rant I just point out that here we can experience another example of historically blind belief that this kind of phenomenon wasn't with us before, just like the belief that LGBT people "didn't exist" before XXc... or that people, and even more so ALL men, are completely perverted only in these terrible times while at the same time, the internet is full of drawings and sculptures of ancient civilizations with ANY possible deviation from the missionary pose, etc., not to mention the generally inexplicable drawings or the so-called Womb Cave (Ultroba Cave) created by humans (not nature) in the shape of a vagina. So.. but what I wanted to write about is not that big of a topic, but it is important, I think, and now let's do that.
So... Shortly - I am not a supporter of the opinion that if you have a problem or uniqueness: overweight, a different orientation, an internal barrier to employment, an inability to find a partner, etc., well, that having something that is actually not so good or so common, that such a thing only needs acceptance and approval, that it is not so much a problem and that the most important thing is to accept it and live with it. In my opinion, this is the first and therefore perhaps the most important step in the construction of any life, but it is certainly not the final step, well, not in my life. And it's not only about physical, financial, sexual, and professional health but also about the emotional, and relationship side of our everyday. Perhaps I needed to enlighten and update myself that this direction - acceptance is currently even more acute in the emotional health sector and people are encouraged not to hide and open up about their problems and in this way to integrate into the surrounding society. And really, this step is super important, to accept the way it is here and now for you, because, first of all, without this step, it is impossible to go or even come to the idea of some kind of change, but... But this acceptance and thinking that that's all people need... well, that's not really the best solution in my eyes. Not to mention physical health… It's not enough to just accept that your leg just broke, for example.
But let's move on to emotional health. I don't know if it's known to many, but the most life-threatening disorders aren't schizophrenia, not even depression or anything, it is rather disorders related to food, and weight regulation because they are likely to end up rapidly leading to serious problems, and even fatal ones (good read on that here). I don't know if it's worth explaining something very strongly here, but accepting yourself alone won't really help you to overcome difficulties and change the current situation to a less dangerous one. And it's really not just about the opinions of others, although almost 100% of the time it's this increased attention to the opinions of others that leads to such behavior towards oneself. Just to make a long story short, my goal with this article is to make the point that simply accepting your uniqueness is not necessarily the end of the road. Just as you can find ways to lose weight and get in good physical shape, or, say devote your life to reaching marriage equality if you're gay, so can you work on your emotional problems, which (after all) are mostly nurture, not nature-based IMHO, in other words, not innate, but acquired. The good news here is that acquired problems are usually possible to restore and those defensive mechanisms of behavior or attitude towards oneself and others can be changed, not always but most often. Unlike in physical health care, in the psychological health area all diagnostics are based, let's say, not necessarily on empirical observations and proofs at all, not to mention that diagnostics based on symptoms can hardly be considered very reliable and objective or even scientific. Much more can be mentioned here (you can check this article too), but the main point is that just accepting the ailment that has emerged is super important, but I would not advise you to dwell on it until it becomes clear to the person him/herself, with or without help, that he/she either cannot or does not want to change the situation... Because simply adapting to cultural norms and/or denying the problem is definitely not optimal.

​And if you really know and you've checked enough times and you're on the path to either healing or control your condition, then you're doing the best you can for yourself and your environment and you're a cool person. Good luck to you.

​Mainly I simply invite you to question things and check them... Just like I would encourage not to put yourself in the role of a ethernal laboratory rat, so that you never be able to come to terms with your less than ideal health... which is the reality of each of us, unfortunately :)) And that's it. Best wishes. Well, if you ever meet a perfectly healthy person, it will probably only happen in a dream. 

Hello, I just hope this post won't be full of anger and sadness because that's exactly how I've been feeling these past few days.
Would you buy someone's heart, feelings...? Would you sell it for money or other material wealth to someone else? How much it determines relationships and how we combine internal and external resources... Is happiness really not in money and how much people would give for the career turn they want or the simplest house with a normal washing machine, not to mention the right medicine for their sick pet, or even for oneself.
It's strange... how often we just gulp all and completely go to swirl inside and so become royal beggars, because we don't learn to earn, gain material, or even physical independence, after all, how many adult children still live with their parents or other guardians... Well, or we give ourselves up to becoming completely materially self-sufficient and spiritually dependent on others... Well, in other words, we need to have around us those who need our support... And again... how many adults are able to be fully self-sufficient, and then part of that ability is still also provided to parents or other guardians still living with them.
To be honest, I don't know a good balance between co-/counter-dependency and whether this dynamic really creates a relationship where a person wants to belong and be someone to belong to, where they want to help and be helped... I say it's one thing about a relationship where a person is themselves and does it - create a relationship because of our natural, inevitable social needs... And another thing where these are habitual actions, even thinking, with which we just barricade ourselves... where we become inaccessible neither to others nor to ourselves... but somehow still virtuous and as if vulnerable?? Because we accept help if not one particular type of help, then another type of it.
I want a person to give because they are doing it and, well, in the sense that they are absolutely happy to do it and are blessed to see that you enjoy it... without any desire to get something in return...
I want a person to accept because he can and besides, it is not vitally necessary for him/her, but he is pleased to see that it brings a smile and joy to someone else, when they accept someone's gifts... For him it is like, as Teal Swan says - "positive social behavior"... it makes sense because we socialize whether we want to or not, we through hints and peeps in one way or another, if not literally sitting in each other's arms :D or at least we dream some nonsense or some image with a very caring person passes before our eyes when we accidentally fall onto the floor of a store or forget where our cart with products is :D well, it happens... like some kind of guards or just demons, pushing away from things that you have to be pushed away from.

Well, how much will we sell the heart for... and how much will we buy it for... and are you the seller or the buyer or both?? Do you just care about the exchange, where we win and lose... where we are communal and willing to share, but still choose the environment of "our league"... inevitably?​

Somehow, the further I go, the more I am convinced that trauma, like anything that seriously affects a person, whether it happens in the family, or the family is simply not very consciously able to follow the norms of society, so they adapt them without empathy or even compassion, rather with panic and anxiety about their offspring's abilities to become a good citizen, a part of everything that is the world for all of us. So different...and so unapologetically real. So withdrawn into their own things and affairs... and infinitely related to anything, even to the dust that you can see floating in the air in the room, illuminated by the rays of the sun....

I don't know, it's hard to write and there's a lot of confusion, so that I wouldn't inevitably end up with oversimplification or too long a litany about things that are mundane... I stop here and wish everyone as much trust/faith as togetherness/love.

​and

But rather just in freestyle float between them?? 🤟

So continuing on the theme of freedom and now also on stability... I really liked the question from a member of my group about freedom and stability, what I particularly liked was the naming. Freedom and stability, what insight! Because I have always thought that freedom and security/safety go as if on the sides of opposite polarity... And really, no hell! It is stability that goes against freedom, and security can be as much in one pole as in the other, as well as not being in it. Again... very often I think about how strongly security/safety is mocked in our dysfunctional families, and not necessarily in families, but in the general society... And it is precisely those polarities that are actually on opposite sides that seem to distract a person and he has to choose one or the other pole and consider it some kind of essential choice without much flexibility. Indeed, as the attachment styles show, choosing the "right" pole is not always the solution... The solution is in safety, and whichever pole is safer at the time, that's what you choose...

​So... then what does stability mean when a person changes, his life changes and both home, family, and country do not change... That person becomes a prisoner of his stable environment both inside and outside. As they say, "Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.” - Mandy Hale. Stability becomes precarious.​
Well, how can freedom not be safe?? (Blog's entry on freedom) Oh... well, how many people have "accidentally" ended up in solitary confinement for "accidentally" smoking a joint... Ooor for ?? burning money in public to show they are against it?? capitalism... For ignorance, for riding a bus without a ticket or driving drunk, and so on... It's just that sometimes freedom is not the same as irresponsibility or unconsciousness and rejection of accepted universal laws or normative behavior... sometimes freedom is the understanding of these things and the ability to deal with them while staying safe.
​If you live in a country where human rights are difficult, you can leave, if you can't leave, you can join the movement to change the situation in the country and do it in a way that the risks become calculated, not crazy, even if you end up in prison, etc. It's all choices, the most important thing is to choose safety or/and calculate risks... because simply put as cool as it is with freedom, nobody needs you dead or hidden somewhere or stuffed with drugs ... or brainwashed, etc. We all make some kind of compromises because complete freedom means running around naked when it's raining, smashing windows of "the enemies", and burning their cars... well, it's :)) worse than in the animal world. As the saying goes "We normally consider stability to be the constant in life and accidents to be the exception, but it’s exactly the opposite. In reality, the accident is the rule and stability is the exception." — Gabriel Orozco. Freedom becomes precarious.

So without any longer due, what I want to tell is a thing about stability this time... I see it as safe when it works as a loss prevention of resources. It is not about focusing on obtaining resources by any means, at any time, from any possible or even impossible source. With this kind of behavior, a person is in conflict with the environment, himself, his inner peace, and even his self-confidence. He just runs as a junky to satiate for a short time, - the very next hype, next fashion scream... next short-term gain, ANY gain. At a time when you can focus on what you already have, what is already happening and is sufficient, maybe even fun... and try to keep it and wrest it from others who want to consume it for themselves, because we all tend to accumulate things, and get more of them or at least enough... and it's not necessarily about the material side of life, it's also about friends, and even if we don't want more of them, then we really want better ones - closer, more inclined to cooperate and so on or maybe even improve the relationship with already existing ones, deepening or daring to pursue or allow oneself to be pursued... These are simply unavoidable needs that no one even thinks of somehow controlling, but rather MEETING them... so :) one or another competition is inevitable... and by accepting it, it is possible to look at it through the prism of the same security, where life is like a sports game, we all play sports and because of this good sporting spirit, you can try and win... And winning requires not only striving but also trying to avoid failure. So here it is... in simple terms, I think stability is about being able to avoid failure without chasing unrealistic tasks or unrealistic goals; just as freedom is an attempt to focus on success, on one's own goals, and not on failure or someone else's aspirations.
It is similar to earning and saving polarities, just earning well is not useful, and the same goes for knowing how to save well... Sometimes one is more important, and sometimes the other is more important, flexibility is the answer.
As if freedom would be allowing yourself to be focused on your directions in life, and then stability would relate to allowing yourself to avoid disconnection from them. Simply put. :) Enjoy

This is an absolutely unexpected blog's post for me as well. It will be about relationships and music... So. In the beginning, maybe I will share a recently discovered video from the Psych2Go channel, which describes the types of people who are unwilling to work on their polarities, which usually leads to unsuccessful relationships both for them and for those who try to establish it with such a person. Quite a simple idea, but well grouped and very clearly distinguished types, I found at least 4 for myself in me, and, probably, like most of you have noticed, our extremes in behavior are manifested only in more acute situations, when it is necessary to represent our personal boundaries or we encounter them in another person ... So, in my opinion, it is very important to remember that we all have those radicalisms and what they are and then somehow release, let them soften, as soon as you feel that the tension will make you cut everything or pour yourself or your partner, into various underserved knots, criticism, suddenly becoming a victim... or a completely righteous person, etc. Well, without talking too long, here is the video: 

 ​That's it... Now, let's move on to relationships and music topic :))) I was influenced to write this article by seeing comments in the LGBT+ friendly group I created... I have written so much about relationship styles, classified them, created memes, and all and I'm still highly interested, still am reading books, writing here again, and there it goes:... suddenly, without anyone asking, a person starts writing insights about attachment types in another person's request for help in the group, the other one suggested one book on this topic too. I had to realize that all my writings are not unnoticed and people are interested, even trying to adapt and communicate with others on these topics. Absolutely amazing :)) And thanks to everyone interested and adopting something for themselves in it. Well, after wiping away all the tears of joy :D .... let's go to ---> MUSIC. I have been related to it since childhood, my uncle (mother's brother) had a tape recorder and even a microphone when I was a child, so music played in our old house a lot :D and we also sang and danced, then after moving in with my parents later, not long after, a cassette tape recorder appeared and music kept pouring in again... both pop and rock, and everything else. I don't know how to play any instrument very well, I sing a little, but listening and living it is somehow necessary for me... just like the body begins to move involuntarily according to a favorite melody if I hear it somewhere. How is it related to relationships and attachment styles? Well, it has been observed that people's chosen melodies and lyrics can reveal their attachment style (can look up here). I will give one song example for each type of attachment here:
Sonny & Sher - I got you, babe. A very clearly positive and mutual song, both singers in the song are satisfied and hopeful about their relationship. There is no feeling of insecurity or distance. Comfort, cooperation, secure attachment.
TLC - No scrubs. Very clearly stated opinions, various preferences, and strong personal boundaries. The other person almost immediately sees that he will need to walk on eggshells constantly, and his wishes might be not necessarily even important, it is only important that he fulfills the given needs of the singer, otherwise, there will be no relationship. Searching for an ideal relationship and not finding it, closing in. A typical avoidant style in a relationship.
Abba - The winner takes it all. The person feels left out, cut off...someone else has won their partner again and broke up with them. Hope is there and you can feel it, you can feel a great longing and attachment and also it's like this loser person isn't able to change anything... everything is in the hands of 'the winner', even though the person is capable to love and wants a relationship very much. Typicalanxious attachment.
Halsey - Sorry. Well, just like in the video clip, it's clear that the relationship is like a war, but the person maybe wants that relationship, because somehow it's sad that the relationship is ending, and maybe not even necessarily wants it too... such confusion, like the disappointment of it FAILING AGAIN.  There is such a mood as if it will never change and you will go around in circles where you want a relationship, but it will never work, maybe you will be fine without a relationship, but it will still "happen" to you. Disorganized attachment.

And finally, since I've created it for my own learning through the melodies and lyrics already, I invite you to listen to this secure attachment-style playlist on Spotify too:

​The offer of melodies is taken from several articles and lists found on the Internet, I haven't tried to find my own melodies yet, but maybe in time I will get them, if I'll be up to it (I would want more rock or hip-hop, so it might happen, I guess). As for now, there are quite a few songs on the list, so I don't think I'll be bored very quickly.
This is my little gift to music lovers and Ψ-fans.
Oh, and if you liked it, don't forget to share this post on your media, and maybe even hit the PayPal or Revolut support buttons (top right) or here.
Until the next entry! 

Sometimes I get an idea from the Unbelievable Facts page on Facebook, and I really hope each time that those facts are real because not everything is checked on time and mistakes happen to everyone. Well, but... about the idea, the thought... The thought was that people's biggest fear turns out not to be the universal fear of death, as it seemed to me... it's the fear of failure; and realistically, it's not too long ago we didn't know how to fly, then quite fast we went to the Moon, now to Mars, and I'm sure those flights will get crazier with time... so if the death is not conquered yet, in my eyes, it's just another failure of humanity. FOR NOW... it's a shame that I  won't be still living when it will be defeated like we once conquered the sky and the myth of Daedalus and Icarus became a reality with a happy ending.

OK, now jumping into a side topic: I used to have a hard time just living in the here and now, at this moment, this second....focusing on the life and not on the fatal dangers, that oops something will happen... ooh something will happen and that's it, I'll get sick again ... things will not turn out again, will be rejected and everything will go straight to the abyss again. I was just one of those people whose life went by the side when I concentrated on survival, in other words on those small percentages of reality that in this 21st century means death to an adult. Well, even during the rampage of covid those percentages were not impossible there if you weren't in the risk group and were properly protecting yourself, taking care of your health, etc.  Well, what I learned in my first healing process, in coaching, was to live life, not to spin through surviving, which is constant stress... and scanning for dangers around, which leads to all kinds of overthinking and so on. Imagine how much energy you spend when you focus it on that 5% that goes to your worry that you will suddenly get sick, a brick from the roof or a satellite will fall on you, a bandit will come out and so on, there are n scenarios real and unreal, everyone has a few... the car will break down, a pedestrian will jump onto the road, etc etc... everyone will turn away... everyone will hate me, I will have no friends. EVERYONE!! :D Well, you know, what I mean. And yet, how productive does that energy become if you focus it on a 95% certainty that nothing fatal will happen to you every second or every day, that the air smells of flowers, and that the blood pulses in your veins? The quality of life turns upside down, and it becomes unrecognizable... and not because you won the lottery or met the prince/princess of your dreams... it all happens as security grows inside, as we rebuild it in us. Of course, those examples of insecurities were funny, isn't it? But most of us don't even know that we live in tension, very often people don't even think about it, they just don't understand why they don't succeed, why they can't quit smoking... why they don't prosper, why they don't finish university and all kinds of other 'whys'... why why why. This is because it is not safe to live, to be in general, energy is put into calming down to such an extent that other things become less and less attainable. After all, you need to calm down and ease your fears all the time (even if unconscious)...
Back... to Unbelievable Facts :D This fact about fear of failure blew my mind when I realized that I have a post-traumatic belief that I can't succeed at anything in life if I'm male... It's a post-traumatic thing because I'm transgender, and when I was brought up in the society I was accidentally born into, well, such things were taboo.. everything is just a body and that's it, well, deep down in prehistoric times, if people saw that the Sun revolves around the Earth in nature, then that meant the nature's law, right?... There was no knowledge (you can check out some biology facts down bellow of this article), no opportunities, no one listened or paid attention, or even you got bumps for "nonsense" or you were just funny... Well, without going much into it... the point is that only by not being myself, I could survive, and get something necessary like love, affection, attention, tenderness, and friendship with my environment anywhere: at home, at school, in the yard. That's why it's a post-traumatic thing, mentally I realize that I would be successful even if I was a stick or a ferret, but after building all these habits, everything that I learned while growing up, says inside, subconsciously, that I will succeed only by being this way, acting this way, and not otherwise... And again a person naturally puts all his energy into avoiding failure, even if he realizes in his mind that it is best to be who you are, not who you have learned to be,  that the more you are yourself, the things will go better and feel better too, and so on. That's it... So then even if in coaching I learned to focus my energy on 95% and not 5% for survival in general; it's after rediscovering myself in terms of gender... it took me another healing connection to get back to that 95% (only this time about success) and not hang around in the poor 5%... which unfortunately is normal for many men and women... Many fear failure in being a man in areas like:
- so as not to be rejected by women (or a man)
- to be able to have enough resources
- to leave behind something valuable, some legacy
- to understand, to grasp what your life mission is
- to be decent, but also relaxed
and so much more concerns so many of us
Just like women are afraid of it... And our energy turns to that 5%... And in reality, everyone knows perfectly well the best ways, the simplest approach... the most acceptable behavior, and the deepest passion for oneself... this is natural for everyone without exclusion. This thing in healing can be also called rewiring. When what was wired for survival (or avoiding failure) can now be unplugged and rewired for thriving (or success). That's when the opinion of others becomes... like an advisor, but by no means a judge. Well, that opinion becomes something that helps to achieve even more... than to warn of all mortal dangers, when they are almost non-existent for an adult. Because you can do anything in adulthood, if you can't do something, you can agree with someone, who can, and you can also get anything, that you don't have, and if you can't get it, you watch others getting it and repeat it, etc. Well, yeah... that's it, that's all on this :)

And some links to info in text format:

3) Wikipedia link to various related studies
4) Several links to the PUBMED (United States National Library of Medicine) website:
​- A sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality 
-  A sex difference in the hypothalamic uncinate nucleus: relationship to gender identity
-  Male-to-female transsexuals have female neuron numbers in a limbic nucleus
-  Regional gray matter variation in male-to-female transsexualism
-  White matter microstructure in female to male transsexuals before cross-sex hormonal treatment. A diffusion tensor imaging study

​And if the truth doesn't help, we always have love, that connection with ourselves that develops continuously... when it blooms again, we will find ourselves again in the corner and lift ourselves from there into the light again... into the embrace, at least into our own embrace at the beginning... and so we go as if on the same bored, obnoxious, seemingly unsuccessful paths, which never go in a meaningless circle, but rather in spirals, upwards... And here is the turn, where you already put your hands down and forget about what ignites hope again and again, where you surrender to a purely mechanical effort to reach your dreams, she takes your hand again and through the most absurd, even seemingly stupid discoveries and events, you are again in the energy that binds everything together... although it does not destroy the uniqueness in that fusion... and does not distance you so much that you completely break into loneliness.
Hand in hand with truth…she plays hide and seek with power and success…she plays chess games of life and death…of time turned to ashes and time that shines with jewels…she teasingly tests patience and there isn't anything too sharp or sudden for her. There is no crime possible to hide from her…and no saint is untouchable to her. She can seem like the blackest night of your life… and also she can seem like incredibly thick and sun-filled moments that might melt your mind and perception into metals you didn't know existed… she laughs at your efforts of will… she can crush the balance and harmony you've cultivated for decades… and only thing you can do is just give in.. not against her, but into her, into her flow, into her essence... because if this is your direction, she will clothe you when you need it, she will tear away any cover when it stirs you... and she will do so for yourself or for the one you met as any stranger...

All is one, and one is all…. And there is also, ahem... every day somewhere in between :)) with which I congratulate everyone, for now, as long as we have it here and now. Don't get upset and don't get excited too much, or maybe just do what you want, be whatever you want... she is always around, looking after and accommodating. Like a lover scrolling through playlists, trying to tune in to the waves he feels... and respond to them as if it were his only life's task... well, to respond to those waves by providing what is needed... so that you never run out of resources, even if it's empty space that is needed, cleanliness, and purity… coolness, nothingness, and transparency. She always finds ways, that's why you will always be, are, and were ok, even if it doesn't seem like it or not always.