Hello, I just hope this post won't be full of anger and sadness because that's exactly how I've been feeling these past few days. Would you buy someone's heart, feelings...? Would you sell it for money or other material wealth to someone else? How much it determines relationships and how we combine internal and external resources... Is happiness really not in money and how much people would give for the career turn they want or the simplest house with a normal washing machine, not to mention the right medicine for their sick pet, or even for oneself. It's strange... how often we just gulp all and completely go to swirl inside and so become royal beggars, because we don't learn to earn, gain material, or even physical independence, after all, how many adult children still live with their parents or other guardians... Well, or we give ourselves up to becoming completely materially self-sufficient and spiritually dependent on others... Well, in other words, we need to have around us those who need our support... And again... how many adults are able to be fully self-sufficient, and then part of that ability is still also provided to parents or other guardians still living with them. To be honest, I don't know a good balance between co-/counter-dependency and whether this dynamic really creates a relationship where a person wants to belong and be someone to belong to, where they want to help and be helped... I say it's one thing about a relationship where a person is themselves and does it - create a relationship because of our natural, inevitable social needs... And another thing where these are habitual actions, even thinking, with which we just barricade ourselves... where we become inaccessible neither to others nor to ourselves... but somehow still virtuous and as if vulnerable?? Because we accept help if not one particular type of help, then another type of it. I want a person to give because they are doing it and, well, in the sense that they are absolutely happy to do it and are blessed to see that you enjoy it... without any desire to get something in return... I want a person to accept because he can and besides, it is not vitally necessary for him/her, but he is pleased to see that it brings a smile and joy to someone else, when they accept someone's gifts... For him it is like, as Teal Swan says - "positive social behavior"... it makes sense because we socialize whether we want to or not, we through hints and peeps in one way or another, if not literally sitting in each other's arms :D or at least we dream some nonsense or some image with a very caring person passes before our eyes when we accidentally fall onto the floor of a store or forget where our cart with products is :D well, it happens... like some kind of guards or just demons, pushing away from things that you have to be pushed away from. Hearts from various corners of the internet Well, how much will we sell the heart for... and how much will we buy it for... and are you the seller or the buyer or both?? Do you just care about the exchange, where we win and lose... where we are communal and willing to share, but still choose the environment of "our league"... inevitably?
Somehow, the further I go, the more I am convinced that trauma, like anything that seriously affects a person, whether it happens in the family, or the family is simply not very consciously able to follow the norms of society, so they adapt them without empathy or even compassion, rather with panic and anxiety about their offspring's abilities to become a good citizen, a part of everything that is the world for all of us. So different...and so unapologetically real. So withdrawn into their own things and affairs... and infinitely related to anything, even to the dust that you can see floating in the air in the room, illuminated by the rays of the sun.... I don't know, it's hard to write and there's a lot of confusion, so that I wouldn't inevitably end up with oversimplification or too long a litany about things that are mundane... I stop here and wish everyone as much trust/faith as togetherness/love. Most likely, the point is not in the distraction between: and But rather just in freestyle float between them?? 🤟 Another question that comes to mind is about people who can't communicate publicly with loved ones and those who can't communicate privately with loved ones... something in the black/white area, but more on that in later entries.
0 Comments
So continuing on the theme of freedom and now also on stability... I really liked the question from a member of my group about freedom and stability, what I particularly liked was the naming. Freedom and stability, what insight! Because I have always thought that freedom and security/safety go as if on the sides of opposite polarity... And really, no hell! It is stability that goes against freedom, and security can be as much in one pole as in the other, as well as not being in it. Again... very often I think about how strongly security/safety is mocked in our dysfunctional families, and not necessarily in families, but in the general society... And it is precisely those polarities that are actually on opposite sides that seem to distract a person and he has to choose one or the other pole and consider it some kind of essential choice without much flexibility. Indeed, as the attachment styles show, choosing the "right" pole is not always the solution... The solution is in safety, and whichever pole is safer at the time, that's what you choose...
So... then what does stability mean when a person changes, his life changes and both home, family, and country do not change... That person becomes a prisoner of his stable environment both inside and outside. As they say, "Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.” - Mandy Hale. Stability becomes precarious. Well, how can freedom not be safe?? (Blog's entry on freedom) Oh... well, how many people have "accidentally" ended up in solitary confinement for "accidentally" smoking a joint... Ooor for ?? burning money in public to show they are against it?? capitalism... For ignorance, for riding a bus without a ticket or driving drunk, and so on... It's just that sometimes freedom is not the same as irresponsibility or unconsciousness and rejection of accepted universal laws or normative behavior... sometimes freedom is the understanding of these things and the ability to deal with them while staying safe. If you live in a country where human rights are difficult, you can leave, if you can't leave, you can join the movement to change the situation in the country and do it in a way that the risks become calculated, not crazy, even if you end up in prison, etc. It's all choices, the most important thing is to choose safety or/and calculate risks... because simply put as cool as it is with freedom, nobody needs you dead or hidden somewhere or stuffed with drugs ... or brainwashed, etc. We all make some kind of compromises because complete freedom means running around naked when it's raining, smashing windows of "the enemies", and burning their cars... well, it's :)) worse than in the animal world. As the saying goes "We normally consider stability to be the constant in life and accidents to be the exception, but it’s exactly the opposite. In reality, the accident is the rule and stability is the exception." — Gabriel Orozco. Freedom becomes precarious. So without any longer due, what I want to tell is a thing about stability this time... I see it as safe when it works as a loss prevention of resources. It is not about focusing on obtaining resources by any means, at any time, from any possible or even impossible source. With this kind of behavior, a person is in conflict with the environment, himself, his inner peace, and even his self-confidence. He just runs as a junky to satiate for a short time, - the very next hype, next fashion scream... next short-term gain, ANY gain. At a time when you can focus on what you already have, what is already happening and is sufficient, maybe even fun... and try to keep it and wrest it from others who want to consume it for themselves, because we all tend to accumulate things, and get more of them or at least enough... and it's not necessarily about the material side of life, it's also about friends, and even if we don't want more of them, then we really want better ones - closer, more inclined to cooperate and so on or maybe even improve the relationship with already existing ones, deepening or daring to pursue or allow oneself to be pursued... These are simply unavoidable needs that no one even thinks of somehow controlling, but rather MEETING them... so :) one or another competition is inevitable... and by accepting it, it is possible to look at it through the prism of the same security, where life is like a sports game, we all play sports and because of this good sporting spirit, you can try and win... And winning requires not only striving but also trying to avoid failure. So here it is... in simple terms, I think stability is about being able to avoid failure without chasing unrealistic tasks or unrealistic goals; just as freedom is an attempt to focus on success, on one's own goals, and not on failure or someone else's aspirations. It is similar to earning and saving polarities, just earning well is not useful, and the same goes for knowing how to save well... Sometimes one is more important, and sometimes the other is more important, flexibility is the answer. As if freedom would be allowing yourself to be focused on your directions in life, and then stability would relate to allowing yourself to avoid disconnection from them. Simply put. :) Enjoy And once again I invite you to remember that no matter how in your environment, where you grew up or where you are still, security is compromised... by equating it with arrogance, cowardice... boredom, or cunning... this is probably the most attractive quality for those with whom it is possible to establish really good relations. And☝️ everything else is not that important. the one and only in whole world :) the gracefully grateful شکیرا
This is an absolutely unexpected blog's post for me as well. It will be about relationships and music... So. In the beginning, maybe I will share a recently discovered video from the Psych2Go channel, which describes the types of people who are unwilling to work on their polarities, which usually leads to unsuccessful relationships both for them and for those who try to establish it with such a person. Quite a simple idea, but well grouped and very clearly distinguished types, I found at least 4 for myself in me, and, probably, like most of you have noticed, our extremes in behavior are manifested only in more acute situations, when it is necessary to represent our personal boundaries or we encounter them in another person ... So, in my opinion, it is very important to remember that we all have those radicalisms and what they are and then somehow release, let them soften, as soon as you feel that the tension will make you cut everything or pour yourself or your partner, into various underserved knots, criticism, suddenly becoming a victim... or a completely righteous person, etc. Well, without talking too long, here is the video:
​That's it... Now, let's move on to relationships and music topic :))) I was influenced to write this article by seeing comments in the LGBT+ friendly group I created... I have written so much about relationship styles, classified them, created memes, and all and I'm still highly interested, still am reading books, writing here again, and there it goes:... suddenly, without anyone asking, a person starts writing insights about attachment types in another person's request for help in the group, the other one suggested one book on this topic too. I had to realize that all my writings are not unnoticed and people are interested, even trying to adapt and communicate with others on these topics. Absolutely amazing :)) And thanks to everyone interested and adopting something for themselves in it. Well, after wiping away all the tears of joy :D .... let's go to ---> MUSIC. I have been related to it since childhood, my uncle (mother's brother) had a tape recorder and even a microphone when I was a child, so music played in our old house a lot :D and we also sang and danced, then after moving in with my parents later, not long after, a cassette tape recorder appeared and music kept pouring in again... both pop and rock, and everything else. I don't know how to play any instrument very well, I sing a little, but listening and living it is somehow necessary for me... just like the body begins to move involuntarily according to a favorite melody if I hear it somewhere. How is it related to relationships and attachment styles? Well, it has been observed that people's chosen melodies and lyrics can reveal their attachment style (can look up here). I will give one song example for each type of attachment here:
Sonny & Sher - I got you, babe. A very clearly positive and mutual song, both singers in the song are satisfied and hopeful about their relationship. There is no feeling of insecurity or distance. Comfort, cooperation, secure attachment. TLC - No scrubs. Very clearly stated opinions, various preferences, and strong personal boundaries. The other person almost immediately sees that he will need to walk on eggshells constantly, and his wishes might be not necessarily even important, it is only important that he fulfills the given needs of the singer, otherwise, there will be no relationship. Searching for an ideal relationship and not finding it, closing in. A typical avoidant style in a relationship. Abba - The winner takes it all. The person feels left out, cut off...someone else has won their partner again and broke up with them. Hope is there and you can feel it, you can feel a great longing and attachment and also it's like this loser person isn't able to change anything... everything is in the hands of 'the winner', even though the person is capable to love and wants a relationship very much. Typicalanxious attachment. Halsey - Sorry. Well, just like in the video clip, it's clear that the relationship is like a war, but the person maybe wants that relationship, because somehow it's sad that the relationship is ending, and maybe not even necessarily wants it too... such confusion, like the disappointment of it FAILING AGAIN. There is such a mood as if it will never change and you will go around in circles where you want a relationship, but it will never work, maybe you will be fine without a relationship, but it will still "happen" to you. Disorganized attachment. And finally, since I've created it for my own learning through the melodies and lyrics already, I invite you to listen to this secure attachment-style playlist on Spotify too:
​The offer of melodies is taken from several articles and lists found on the Internet, I haven't tried to find my own melodies yet, but maybe in time I will get them, if I'll be up to it (I would want more rock or hip-hop, so it might happen, I guess). As for now, there are quite a few songs on the list, so I don't think I'll be bored very quickly.
This is my little gift to music lovers and Ψ-fans. Oh, and if you liked it, don't forget to share this post on your media, and maybe even hit the PayPal or Revolut support buttons (top right) or here. Until the next entry! Sometimes I get an idea from the Unbelievable Facts page on Facebook, and I really hope each time that those facts are real because not everything is checked on time and mistakes happen to everyone. Well, but... about the idea, the thought... The thought was that people's biggest fear turns out not to be the universal fear of death, as it seemed to me... it's the fear of failure; and realistically, it's not too long ago we didn't know how to fly, then quite fast we went to the Moon, now to Mars, and I'm sure those flights will get crazier with time... so if the death is not conquered yet, in my eyes, it's just another failure of humanity. FOR NOW... it's a shame that I won't be still living when it will be defeated like we once conquered the sky and the myth of Daedalus and Icarus became a reality with a happy ending. OK, now jumping into a side topic: I used to have a hard time just living in the here and now, at this moment, this second....focusing on the life and not on the fatal dangers, that oops something will happen... ooh something will happen and that's it, I'll get sick again ... things will not turn out again, will be rejected and everything will go straight to the abyss again. I was just one of those people whose life went by the side when I concentrated on survival, in other words on those small percentages of reality that in this 21st century means death to an adult. Well, even during the rampage of covid those percentages were not impossible there if you weren't in the risk group and were properly protecting yourself, taking care of your health, etc. Well, what I learned in my first healing process, in coaching, was to live life, not to spin through surviving, which is constant stress... and scanning for dangers around, which leads to all kinds of overthinking and so on. Imagine how much energy you spend when you focus it on that 5% that goes to your worry that you will suddenly get sick, a brick from the roof or a satellite will fall on you, a bandit will come out and so on, there are n scenarios real and unreal, everyone has a few... the car will break down, a pedestrian will jump onto the road, etc etc... everyone will turn away... everyone will hate me, I will have no friends. EVERYONE!! :D Well, you know, what I mean. And yet, how productive does that energy become if you focus it on a 95% certainty that nothing fatal will happen to you every second or every day, that the air smells of flowers, and that the blood pulses in your veins? The quality of life turns upside down, and it becomes unrecognizable... and not because you won the lottery or met the prince/princess of your dreams... it all happens as security grows inside, as we rebuild it in us. Of course, those examples of insecurities were funny, isn't it? But most of us don't even know that we live in tension, very often people don't even think about it, they just don't understand why they don't succeed, why they can't quit smoking... why they don't prosper, why they don't finish university and all kinds of other 'whys'... why why why. This is because it is not safe to live, to be in general, energy is put into calming down to such an extent that other things become less and less attainable. After all, you need to calm down and ease your fears all the time (even if unconscious)... Back... to Unbelievable Facts :D This fact about fear of failure blew my mind when I realized that I have a post-traumatic belief that I can't succeed at anything in life if I'm male... It's a post-traumatic thing because I'm transgender, and when I was brought up in the society I was accidentally born into, well, such things were taboo.. everything is just a body and that's it, well, deep down in prehistoric times, if people saw that the Sun revolves around the Earth in nature, then that meant the nature's law, right?... There was no knowledge (you can check out some biology facts down bellow of this article), no opportunities, no one listened or paid attention, or even you got bumps for "nonsense" or you were just funny... Well, without going much into it... the point is that only by not being myself, I could survive, and get something necessary like love, affection, attention, tenderness, and friendship with my environment anywhere: at home, at school, in the yard. That's why it's a post-traumatic thing, mentally I realize that I would be successful even if I was a stick or a ferret, but after building all these habits, everything that I learned while growing up, says inside, subconsciously, that I will succeed only by being this way, acting this way, and not otherwise... And again a person naturally puts all his energy into avoiding failure, even if he realizes in his mind that it is best to be who you are, not who you have learned to be, that the more you are yourself, the things will go better and feel better too, and so on. That's it... So then even if in coaching I learned to focus my energy on 95% and not 5% for survival in general; it's after rediscovering myself in terms of gender... it took me another healing connection to get back to that 95% (only this time about success) and not hang around in the poor 5%... which unfortunately is normal for many men and women... Many fear failure in being a man in areas like: - so as not to be rejected by women (or a man) - to be able to have enough resources - to leave behind something valuable, some legacy - to understand, to grasp what your life mission is - to be decent, but also relaxed and so much more concerns so many of us Just like women are afraid of it... And our energy turns to that 5%... And in reality, everyone knows perfectly well the best ways, the simplest approach... the most acceptable behavior, and the deepest passion for oneself... this is natural for everyone without exclusion. This thing in healing can be also called rewiring. When what was wired for survival (or avoiding failure) can now be unplugged and rewired for thriving (or success). That's when the opinion of others becomes... like an advisor, but by no means a judge. Well, that opinion becomes something that helps to achieve even more... than to warn of all mortal dangers, when they are almost non-existent for an adult. Because you can do anything in adulthood, if you can't do something, you can agree with someone, who can, and you can also get anything, that you don't have, and if you can't get it, you watch others getting it and repeat it, etc. Well, yeah... that's it, that's all on this :) 🏳️ I wish you safety above all... Freedom itself will catch you when you become safer :P and not the other way around. 🏳️ Here you can find information about the biological part of being transgender, which is unheard of for most:
And some links to info in text format:
3) Wikipedia link to various related studies 4) Several links to the PUBMED (United States National Library of Medicine) website: - A sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality - A sex difference in the hypothalamic uncinate nucleus: relationship to gender identity - Male-to-female transsexuals have female neuron numbers in a limbic nucleus - Regional gray matter variation in male-to-female transsexualism - White matter microstructure in female to male transsexuals before cross-sex hormonal treatment. A diffusion tensor imaging study So, about this complex, difficult, and perhaps the most necessary topic, which is perhaps comparable in importance and necessity only to the topic of truth or personal truth... Of course, things that require such seriousness and responsibility just turn on the computer's reluctance to save my writing :D which is why everything suddenly disappeared, so I have to do it again, and this time with the help of Libre. I will hardly be able to repeat some poetry though. Anyway, there are not many things as important as love and above all self-love…. It doesn't matter if you are rich, healthy, old, active, smart, handsome or not... she doesn't choose...color, height, strength, mind...power...it all doesn't matter to her. What matters to her is herself and what matters is your relationship with her... she will never give in to your usual tricks... she will always find a way out, she will never listen to noise, and she will find that voice that speaks the truth and which at the same time can be in compassion and understanding the essence... she will not wander in some fog just to make life and yourself seem safer and more fun, comfortable, she rather will find the real you, the one who sits in the dark corner of your soul, forgotten by everyone even by yourself, abandoned, unrecognized, rejected, and as if invisible… she will brush away the dirt and gossip from you, she will not allow herself to be rejected and scared as much as you are scared yourself…. frightened by the image that people around you painted of you for so long that you just got used to choosing them, only those, who can paint you only in the similar way... She does not care, she will never take it for a truth, will never value it, she knows, she feels, she recognizes, she is in no rush, she doesn't push... she doesn't force, she waits and invites. She reminds you that she is here, next to you… she recognizes your ability to perceive and see the passion for life and for who you really are. Who you are for yourself… never stopped being, even if no one ever let you, you brought it into this life, she preserved it and she commands you to reveal it, unfold it…. Open it up and wear it with as much dignity as anyone else can wear their truth and their best selves…proudly, freely, uncommittedly, and respectfully. What matters to her is that you do it and you can't stop because she wants you to not stop… She will never back down and she will never betray you… Yes, you will think that you have been betrayed for so long and so hard and relentlessly, all the way and all the time… But she will remind you that it was just part of it all. She will never lie to you that there was no such pain and abandonment. Not being seen, not counting as a person... The compulsion not to exist, the compulsion to learn how to treat yourself by yourself like this too... distortion, erasure... the integration of this kind of behavior towards yourself into a norm... into that moral norm that you still, to this day, consider as the only possible guarantor of security, as the only way to get the resources necessary to sustain life... food, shelter, warmth, hugs. She will not deny the millions of masks you still hold, and the self hiding behind them… just not this, just not me, not like that.. better unhealthy self, soulless, mad, without hope… without a home, without people, but at least alive, still alive.. .even if it is no longer necessary in here and now, this hiding and running.
And if the truth doesn't help, we always have love, that connection with ourselves that develops continuously... when it blooms again, we will find ourselves again in the corner and lift ourselves from there into the light again... into the embrace, at least into our own embrace at the beginning... and so we go as if on the same bored, obnoxious, seemingly unsuccessful paths, which never go in a meaningless circle, but rather in spirals, upwards... And here is the turn, where you already put your hands down and forget about what ignites hope again and again, where you surrender to a purely mechanical effort to reach your dreams, she takes your hand again and through the most absurd, even seemingly stupid discoveries and events, you are again in the energy that binds everything together... although it does not destroy the uniqueness in that fusion... and does not distance you so much that you completely break into loneliness. Hand in hand with truth…she plays hide and seek with power and success…she plays chess games of life and death…of time turned to ashes and time that shines with jewels…she teasingly tests patience and there isn't anything too sharp or sudden for her. There is no crime possible to hide from her…and no saint is untouchable to her. She can seem like the blackest night of your life… and also she can seem like incredibly thick and sun-filled moments that might melt your mind and perception into metals you didn't know existed… she laughs at your efforts of will… she can crush the balance and harmony you've cultivated for decades… and only thing you can do is just give in.. not against her, but into her, into her flow, into her essence... because if this is your direction, she will clothe you when you need it, she will tear away any cover when it stirs you... and she will do so for yourself or for the one you met as any stranger... All is one, and one is all…. And there is also, ahem... every day somewhere in between :)) with which I congratulate everyone, for now, as long as we have it here and now. Don't get upset and don't get excited too much, or maybe just do what you want, be whatever you want... she is always around, looking after and accommodating. Like a lover scrolling through playlists, trying to tune in to the waves he feels... and respond to them as if it were his only life's task... well, to respond to those waves by providing what is needed... so that you never run out of resources, even if it's empty space that is needed, cleanliness, and purity… coolness, nothingness, and transparency. She always finds ways, that's why you will always be, are, and were ok, even if it doesn't seem like it or not always.
And a completely chilling track from the film "Undoing"... it's thrilling... how love can lead you to most wrong people there can be and how same love leads you out of such a bond.
Why did I call the subject I'm going to write about "THAT journey"? Because many people want to hear and/or read about this, get to know it, and so on. And why I haven't written so much about it and I haven't really decided whether I will write, although the story is not that simple, I am not exactly sure. Maybe because there is plenty of these already? Do I want to write, yes I do. Do I want to write from a place where I still struggle to feel good about my past and therefore have trouble integrating it into my life... I don't think I really want it :)) but I think it's a really worthwhile challenge and your bad feelings are not necessarily an obstacle to authentic self-expression, and people will never embrace fake positivity as much as authenticity, because we naturally tend to be and express ourselves as we are. After all, that's the only way we feel free and safe, growing and blooming, and so on. Well, in one word, this post or article should come out as an ode to the journey towards yourself, healing, authenticity, searching for ways to this goal, etc. I don't know exactly what to write down so precisely... I have even been diagnosed with several of those hard-to-pronounce names that are part of the so-called cluster A personality disorders, and at least a couple of first of those that I got is not officially possible to heal from, and the last diagnosis has significantly more recoveries than relapses statistically... Again, officially such things cannot happen, a person should regress if they have incurable diagnoses or simply live a manageable life with a mountain of medication every day, which I have not taken for at least several years (about 7), and before that, I have taken them quite sporadically as well. I'm not saying that I'm cured, that's what the mental specialists who work with me (at least two or more) say. I don't know if I've recovered and that's not even the most important thing in the finale, I need to show what working with the right specialists and/or working with yourself can do and digging out your authentic "self" and trying to be him/her as much as possible. And yes, I say this as a person who spent the first 12 years of his life in the Soviet Union, where there were simply no lesbians, and gays were put in prisons, not to mention some kind of ufo - transgenders.
I also really liked the comparison of these two diagrams (below) and the rise of the visibility and activity of some groups to positively and effectively integrate it into society, and not to deny its existence, well, it is not without the end, that rise. At some point, that growth curve will flatten out as it did with the left-handed group in the US. It won't necessarily happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. As we can see, among people born in the 1920s - 1950s, an awful lot more left-handed people "appeared" than among people born earlier. This strongly echoes the rather blunt opinion of people that LGBT people are "increasing" in numbers as if there were not so many of them all the time... Well, they were simply not seen, they did not have a voice, although they were certainly never less. And here, among people born later than the 1950s, the number of left-handed people did not change much and remained much higher than at the beginning of the 20th century. The LGBT population in America (and elsewhere) is still growing in numbers, and it's causing a lot of confusion for a lot of people in different ways. I don't think that this growth is eternal and you can laugh a little at those who spread almost panic on this topic and other nonsense.
And finally, because I laughed a lot at Ben Shapiro (if you don't know him, that's ok) on his outrage at Kanye West's generalized anti-Semitic remarks... :D I then remembered the following song: Oh, by the way, the "narcissism" of transgender people is just a coping mechanism after trauma. It's just that when you're not visible for most of your life to no one while growing up and going through certain stages of understanding your gender/sex completely alone, later, when healing, all this just opens up quite painfully for a while... And also, in general, a lot of things in the medical healing part are simply very related to physicality, that's why we show it... it's quite clear and simple. Well, if a person got rid of enormous excess weight and shows body changes, the results of skin removal surgeries, a lot of nudity, etc., it inspires people, not destroys them :D it's just that... in reality, everyone only sees what they want to see. Good luck
About leadership, because sometimes I'm not sure what it is and why people keep missing it... At least they think it's missing on the outside. In most cases, it is probably still an expression of the inner state of someone. It's really difficult for me to write about leadership so far because I haven't really come across good courses or good books about it, and relying only on self-concept and intuition is not good. I mean, it's quite bad, if even that is not available to a person, even if he is settled in some specific field (in this case - on the topic of leadership), but without an internal beacon and an engine, you won't get very far... Although it's impossible to predict in advance, I think, judging from my personal experience, no studying and theories can't play out if it's not your boat and you're sailing into the wrong sea. Here's what I've been able to find out so far: - Perhaps leadership is determined by experience, what were the examples in the family and its history? Were parents/guardians inclined towards leadership in professional life and in general? Were there people in the family history who led not only family life but also were leaders, innovators, and maybe even luminaries of a certain community, village, or town? - You can recognize it from your behavior in childhood if you were seen in the play yard as someone who brings people together, someone who can fix a more difficult situation, and can fight with people who threaten or mistreat children in the group. Well, in my time :D it was our play-yard kids that were playing in it all the time, now I have no idea what 'play-yard' group can appear? Maybe online computer game teams or so, because you're not the only one playing the game there. It's about someone, who in one way or another initiates or instigates more massive events, such as some massive backyard Robin Hood game or massive movie screenings together. Who appears to be a people gathering center. - About expressions of leadership. From what I've noticed, some people express their leadership very clearly and they don't cover it up or polish it too much. well, that kind of raw and natural expression. And some people are possibly (I guess again from experience) burned by leadership and not trusting the masses that surround them in that naive manner... well, those who have an awareness that their public face/image/reputation is far from their real self and that these things maybe even should be different, because what is private is fragile and precious enough, and when a public persona is formed externally, it often changes according to the events in the emerging community or organization. So that public self-image, changes... it has to meet innovations, it has to take into account many people, it has to gather a circle of assistants, advisers and hundreds more of those "have to".. Besides, trusting your life with that public "Self" is such a slippery thing. .. well, you will never have the same real, authentic connection with the masses as with your loved one, friend, or colleague; it is physically impossible to spend as much time together, to share as much attention with a mass of people as it is between two, or let's say, three or a few more people. I'm not sure, but as far as I've had experience, if I had to throw away my reputation or friends, I'd throw away my reputation, because even then my friends remain. And the ways that public "Self" is formed, oof... well, everything happens with it :D because a lot of people can lift you to the sky and can drop you down to ?? well, into a very low and very dark place too. Maybe to become a good leader you need to fail in leadership at least once, to be trampled by people in your group, maybe that's why I'm so grateful for such an experience, it impossibly and indelibly strengthened what my therapist calls having a backbone, an axis, a center for yourself. - Leadership is probably characterized by the ability to get up and the ability to continue, even if everyone seems like suddenly scattered spiders, waiting for some kind of mana from some magical lands, and if you don't get it, then nothing will happen :D And if you don't get up yourself again and again, no one will care much. Well, in one word, to have that drive that leads you and that is much stronger than you can imagine. This talk is probably about the mission in life, and here it is not even clear whether we choose it or it chooses us :) It is also not worth overestimating your efforts, because even if we want very much to reject that mission of ours or want very much to skate with it at the speed of light, nothing will work, because it will work out as it should, and our destructive or ignorant efforts towards our mission will only destroy our well-being. Trust the process :)) - As I mentioned, I haven't found much or stumbled upon good and practical material in this field so far, but I am sure that it is probably necessary and will appear on time. Below I will share a few sources that I use for now and I promise to continue to find the path of leadership that is most acceptable to me and best fits with the people gathered around me. So, - theoretical knowledge, learning. - One more nuance... I think that it also determines who is more ideological in the family - not so much a directly expressed leader, and who is obvious, an openly clear one. Because if it is, for example, the father, who's obvious, clear leader, and the child is a boy, he will probably also be a more clear leader in his life; well, if the child is a girl, then she will somewhat more take over the role of the mother's ideological leadership in such a family. I started this article about those "not clearly" expressed leaders... I think that people often just don't accept their more expressed ideological leader in themselves, so they beat others or themselves over it, and otherwise, both expressions are equally respected and valuable. Whatever you are inside, it's good to support and empower yourself as a leader. In conclusion, what I can say is probably that if you are a good enough leader for yourself, both the obvious, clear one and the more ideological, guiding one... outside people will notice it in the same way. If you can get yourself out of hell if you can keep your ideals even when the devil knows what's going on around you... Then everything is fine with you :) and you are safe for yourself and others around you <3
I've also been looking into these projects, although I haven't participated in any of them yet - Flow Genom Project I generally like everything related to the state of FLOW. - GeniusU project is based on the fact that everyone has a different type of intelligence and it is by distinguishing and strengthening it and choosing the right strategies that it enables you to make a serious breakthrough in life. Healing one's traumas, managing the suppression or fragmentation of one's inner leader, developing emotional intelligence, instilling discipline, etc. are also very helpful strategies. and by the way...the Arcane movie series is perfect...absolutely
Well, the fourth one remains from all the four factors from the block for relationships that I created: Personal qualities... Mmm... This is perhaps the most unconscious and least changeable group... IQ can also be assigned here, which is quite easy to measure and it hardly changes, and if it changes, it only decreases with age or when you find yourself in an environment that requires a lower IQ... You can assign EQ here too, and without it, IQ is like a good broom (or an ax) without a handle, although you can't measure the EQ, it can be improved to infinity. This factor can also include things of taste, height, musculature... eye color, accent, gait, and a whole bunch of other things. Of course, it should be mentioned here that there are many types of intelligence and you can test yourself and get to know what type you have as well :) I think this group is basically something that either causes the so-called "chemistry" between people and you feel an attraction to someone, not necessarily only physical, there are different types, well, or you don't feel it... If you don't feel it, you don't really have the desire and motivation somehow to get involved much. I probably support the theory that people often get "hooked" on some similar traits that their guardians/parents have in others, and it doesn't really matter if those traits are very healthy and acceptable in general, here is a separate topic, but it might determine the attraction. It can be built, tone of voice, mannerisms, the energy of a person, etc. Maybe this is where the idea and feeling of "love at first sight" came from. Personally, I have never felt it so suddenly, but there were definitely cases where ~a week was enough, and everything was not necessarily perfect.. just even what was annoying in the person I met, apparently reminded me of something, so my interest only grew, even if I frowned a little :D or went into minor tension with colleagues at work at the same time due to some kind of tension growing in the body or something like that. What people usually pay attention to a part of the body, is probably how reliable, safe - self-sustained, how well they can communicate, whether they look neat or feel self-confident, are easy to deal with, whether they get along with the environment, have adequacy, self-control, humor. Later, you can already notice what they like, how energetic they are, what their taste in music is, if it is important, what they do in life, and so on. Most people do these things involuntarily when they get to know each other - observe, evaluate, initiate, and participate; maybe everyone is a little different... Depending on what is important to whom. I would suggest here to make a very simple wish, preference list, a landmark so that you can orient yourself as much as possible, and not just go headless into all and regret it later. Also, make a list of your boundaries, deal breakers: what you wouldn't bare and what boundaries if crossed will most likely push you away from the person. Exchange these lists (ideally if both sides made their lists) so that the other person knows how to navigate when they are with you. It's like a traffic light for relationships 🚦🚦🚦 I would like people to understand that all the work put into relationships is not here to make them almost impossible - relationships themselves, because no one will really do that much, and if they do work on them, it's probably on their own terms and ways. It's really worth trying to build a relationship, no matter how blindly because that's the only way to learn it in general, but what I don't want and I'd really like to discourage is creating families "for the sake of children" that "accidentally" appeared while trying to establish a relationship.. well, because undressing is the simplest task in bonding... this is not the same as to read some articles when all you have to do is get some buzz and tell a good joke. Families like this are dysfunctional and toxic, from which traumatized people grow up and create the future of all of us... For such a couple is difficult to manage to get to know each other and they can hardly understand each other so fast, then later they usually don't even like each other, well, or just get used to not liking each other while staying in a bond or break up... The number of single parents with children is like a major pandemic in the world... and children in these families have to endure all "the relationship", even though no one asked them if it was acceptable to them, it's just that their parents were not ready for neither the relationship nor the children, so a lot of the burden is put on the children, who neither can nor should bear that burden. Well, at least let's use protective measures if the beginning of relationship attempts is quite crazy and overwhelming. Well, I very seriously suggest making a list of values and goals, because more often than not, these are the determining factors that make you get along with someone or not. For now, personally, my "incredible success" looks like this: there is chemistry, there are even character similarities or suitability, and there was even compatibility of values (it's absolutely unbelievable that a person had a very enriched understanding of this for herself!), but people don't have written their goals for themselves... and then, while already in a relationship, they discover it and it turns out that we can't fit our preferred goals or it's quite tricky to try it :D anyway... to be honest, maybe this can be just a natural conclusion in the finale, because something, some qualities that are conflicting with yours already appear in the process, so then the creation of that list of goals illustrates it more than reveals it - the incompatibility. Let's not waste each other's time and other resources, it leaves a very bad impression and bitterness for a long time, which can definitely be avoided. dat🥜🍮🍓hype
So... Now that we have already discussed the consciously chosen or willingly created factors that can determine the success of any connection with another person, we can now move on to not-so-conscious and perhaps not-so-significant factors. They mostly try to describe specific character traits and features. These classifications can be based on immutable things, for example, zodiacs are based on the date of birth, well, or some things that can be changed, because the MTBI classification or even the results of the Big Five test can change during a person's life, as he works on some of his character traits. The MBTI type indicator is created according to K.G. Jung's "Psychological types" classification. This classification doesn't have a very solid scientific basis, so I don't really know if it's worth studying this system thoroughly, but nevertheless, the tests are interesting, the descriptions of each type are too; there are pages, groups, and even dating apps that either rely solely on the MBTI or make it a significant part of them. From my experience, I can only say that without trying to change my behavior and understanding, my MBTI always had one result - INTJ... But after starting the self-knowledge work, my MBTI type started to change, and now I have no idea, if can I rely on any type in this classification... maybe the hardest part was to "break" the trait of introversion, but quite often I also get the letter of an extrovert now, so somehow I don't pay much attention anymore. Actually, according to K.G. Jung himself, personality typology has 2 elements: - namely extroversion and introversion and - sensations, thinking, feeling, and intuition It is from this classification that the Myers-Briggs personality test and the 16 personality types were created. According to the Swiss psychologist himself, it is best to simply improve your less expressed tendencies, for example, it is best for an introvert to improve his more extroverted side, or, say for an intuitive person - body sensations, etc. The test is here. (free of charge) The Big Five - a topic I'm less familiar with, but maybe even because of that it's more interesting... In addition, at least at the moment, many in psychology recognize this classification as sufficient to determine the personality type, although it already shifts towards 6 personality traits instead of 5 - "[...]it has been suggested that the Big Five system should be replaced by HEXACO, or revised to better align with lexical evidence.." (from Wikipedia). What personality traits are included in the Big Five: O openness to experience C conscientiousness E extroversion A agreeableness N neuroticism To get along well with a person in a relationship, it is best not to have a very big gap from each other in all 5 characteristics, except for neuroticism, the less neuroticism both have, the more stable the relationship is. And, well, this indicates the need to try to work on it, if there is a lot of neuroticism, and, yes, it is possible to change it- each trait. For more info on OCEAN traits, see the video bellow The test is here. (free of charge) This group of factors influencing relationships can also include love/apology languages.
And in the finale, perhaps it should be said that any, even the most unpopular and irrational classification and contemplation on it is useful simply because during the process you keep thinking about the compatibility, qualities, and character of the two of you and in this way, you get to know yourself and the other person better; it is enriching in any case... And I mention once again that the characteristics of the Big Five can be polished and new behavioral habits can be trained even with a higher neuroticism trait, which is probably the most difficult. It is even advisable to develop balance in all 5 traits. Good luck :) And I invite you to support everything in a row: Ukraine - definitely, LGBT people's rights actions - yes, animals and everything, and this page, and each other, and your home building without proper support structure would be just a mess. SUPPORT :))
Oh my god.. now, when Katy Perry is sprinkling fireworks in the acoustic background of my working spot, I need to write something that nobody really gets so far... OK, I'll try. Anyway, there can be goals for your personal life, because at least we can regulate this phenomenon to some extent - our life, however - the dilemma of fate/free will has never been resolved in philosophy, and maybe it never will be, so it just means that we cannot fully control even our own lives. Our lives often are as if they were "given" to us, for example, sexual orientation, birth in a certain country, and so on, and that makes us "the way we are" and it's not related to the idea that we create our life, but still... blind surrender to the life's flow and only to it is short-sighted and leads to getting stuck, wasting your potential and giving your personal power to the environment... the environment that will never be better because of it, since it needs challenges too, not just swimming down the river (only dead fishes swim this way). So, this preordained part relays solely on finding someone you match well enough with and it is like buying lottery tickets, being in the right place, at the right time, etc.. well, in other words, without this personal luck and desire to follow it, it's still possible to highlight the manifestations of your free will/consciousness. I have already mentioned that thanks to Richard Grannon's courses in the fall of 2020, I was able to put my long journaling about life goals and drawing them into a very simple but effective scheme (you can look at it again here)... Not only that, in those courses you can also quite effectively (even with extremely expressive internal resistance:)) create some list of daily steps you need to do to achieve a long-term goal eventually. It was a lot of fun if put shortly...:) People who are already in a couple can try to create an exact goal map for their family unit/partnership. People who are starting to pair up, if they already know they're and their partner's life goals/visions - the desired, aspired lifestyle (and their current style is already connected to it in one way or another), so then they can help each other by making some compatibility schemes for better understanding. Here is an example What you don't want to do for no money is try to hold on only to your own goals and never support your partner's or to constantly abandon your goals and focus on your partner's only. Disaster strategy. However... even if you have a goal map, it's hard to figure out whether your and your partner's goals are compatible or not, and whether it's worth continuing to work on the connection or not... Well, even if they really match or when they're very different, maybe you can just rely on what a person's major needs are and how they fit with what you need. On this topic, Teal Swan just released a really good video about how trauma causes people to have involuntary needs later on in life:
Well, and to pay final tribute to our existing culture, which still has never disappointed anyone in its development and, so to speak, -only forward!- attitude... Maybe it is best for someone to simply not be in a long-term relationship, but to change them from time to time or to be in a polyamorous relationship or to be in a relationship just to become a dad/mom and that's it, no big romantics there... absolute diversity - all around. P.s.: if you've come this far and you liked it, would you consider supporting it?? Whether in euros or pounds, or cryptos, or simply by sharing... well, because... it isn't that easy to do sometimes, and because one way or the other all is connected... and each of us just passes the baton to the next one all the time. 🤘🤘🏃♂️🏃♀️
|
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes. Archives
April 2024
Categories
All
|