Path of self discovery

This post will probably be repetitive and only with a simple change that happened over time due to experience, or maybe not necessarily so, but let's see what we'll get before judging.
I want to write in my preferences (and personal boundaries in the next post) for a purely friendly relationship, and I mean not necessarily romantic, as I almost always did before. Maybe I wasn't conscious, maybe I was still succumbing to the initial chemistry there and the desire for heat, etc. Now I want some kind of calmer approach, to start calmly and not suddenly, although that suddenness doesn't seem to be a huge obstacle, but, well, it's often not very sober, super stormy, and the brain tries its best to somehow catch up, but still unsuccessfully, and when it gets to me finally, then even the heart is already convinced that "all of this is pure nonsense" :D and that's it... Or maybe the brain isn't so much late, but in the beginning, the voice of the mind is specifically silenced for sure... And so be it, but again it's good to have some landmarks for orientation. Cold, calm, controlled, peaceful guidance.
Friend preferences: 
A person knows their areas of interest, and their goals in life and/or has come to terms with life's meaninglessness and feels comfortable because of it (well, this is the dilemma of free will, how much of everything is determined and how much is created by us). I want to know if our ways won't clash, so, please, don't confuse us both unnecessarily. +15%
A person understands their preferences, boundaries, and desired/current lifestyle in a relationship (just for a simple compatibility check). For both genders: how much physical closeness is needed, how much communication is needed, whether it is possible to adapt to our differences, and whether sameness does not interfere. For women: Do you want a family or do other important goals conflict? +15%
A person knows their most important values ​​and wants to know you. :) +15%
Knows or wants to know their attachment style and work on it if necessary (this is important for any relationship). Understand that the well-being of both people in a relationship is a matter for both. +15%
A person is comfortable and safe both alone and in company with me, meaning: he/she is financially, emotionally more or less independent adult. +10%
They have no serious bad habits, and if they have, they would like to or are already trying to give them up. They exercise, take care of nutrition, sleep, etc. +10%
A person is not against psychology and LGBT people, they don't stick to either side in politics, and if they do, they aren't blindly hostile to the opposite side. Not hostile to believers/atheists. Just simply does not have an extremely critical black/white mindset. +5%
A person knows or wants to know the love and apology languages ​​of both so that communication and spending time together would be easier and more satisfying :) +5%
They like to live more in the suburbs, away from the noise (I'm sensitive to noise and clutter). Not a sworn, adamant carnivore. +5%
Likes to travel or doesn't mind me traveling, would like to live near or together.​+ 5%

Well... It's changed a lot... but now it will be clearer for both sexes because it's quite difficult to quickly catch up with all the escalation at the beginning of the meet-up otherwise :)) Here is a previous attempt at putting it together. So, it's not a problem if we don't end up at the top of the mountain, orange is also a color.

Have you tried to write down your preferences, wishes, wants needs?? Can you verbalize them in your conversations, clearly and simply? Would you like to receive a similar list from someone else? Do you like clarity and honesty in communication in general? How many preferences should be "covered" to calmly go into a relationship and to hope it will grow into something, well, beautiful, enriching, and just fine? How fast would you want the person to share their answers? How long could you wait for their transparent attempts to check your compatibility? How much unconsciousness in this could you tolerate, since the majority are more or less unaware about this? 

PS: Aha!! If you accidentally calculated your answers to what I wrote here and got more than 50%, be a good dude and just :D message me. 😊 💚

So, about the educational system and why those diplomas, qualifications, and courses are so important, the number of completed projects/clients, the number of organizations/events created, the number of books written... Groups, courses.. mentors, followers, and a whole lot more. All possible cultural, let's say, indicators of the success of a person, a specialist.
Loads of questions appear: 
- How much time is needed just to prove your qualification and the possibility for at least some people to trust you as a specialist?
​- Is it really true that after so many indicators confirming success and reliability, people will really choose you, and not necessarily a person who hasn't that much, but who, let's say, is simply younger or simply does not care so much about those officially accepted achievements, but purely about the results of his real work and the people with whom he has to work?
- Where is the line or the healthy balance between that internal drive and fire and that, shall we say, more external evaluation and recognition (which is not necessarily only external)?
There are still a lot of related questions too, for example:
- Why people are so inclined to swear by everything possible that their relationships are and SHOULD BE based only on that inner cry, feeling, fire, etc., when in the meantime when choosing a specialist, they will DEFINITELY and WITHOUT A DOUBT choose something with external evidence, signs of success.
- Where does that divide come from and is it healthy at all, even if it's normal because it really is very common and normalized...anyone who has their own preferences, and boundaries, and knows exactly what can and can't work in a relationship is considered something of an ufo, abnormal, just like someone who works and is very successful without special diplomas, countless courses, organizations, etc. well, but let's go back to the building own professional image.
Again, I probably won't turn out to be very popular, and hopefully, I won't give in to the desire to run after "likes", although this is by no means a bad thing, to have an audience that cares about what you do and what you share, we are already terribly separated from each other the other due to all kinds of traumas and the hard-to-understand cultural norms, for example, exalted independence and individualism... (again, for example in the healing period or therapy, such a period is inevitable). But I hope, at the same time, there will not be a particularly cold and rationalized presentation, which completely cripples the message being transmitted, because even AI is being tried to be made socially acceptable and "emotional" :D Our good, growing, and nurturing relationships with each other are impossible to erase and we must have true cultural norms and boundaries, according to which we could navigate when choosing those specialists that we cannot be ourselves, although such jobs are sometimes simply necessary in our every day, etc.

And how much attention is there to time too...
- you won't have time,
- it's too late,
- there are other areas of life: you want to create something alike a family, possibly, you want to travel, see the world, you want to deal with traumatic experiences, you want to push on physical health, and maybe even strongly, you want a house, just want to go and develop that or this hobby.
- How much time do you have to make sure you look like a reliable specialist and also not lose or forget your inner fire, take care of your passion, purify it, ensuring it burns and develops, even if without great official formalities? Everything has its price, time = money... and how often there just simply aren't enough hours in one day.
- Will we be able to reconcile things... maybe there will just be times when the fire will be left to fend for itself... And is that an entirely bad thing? etc.

I think it's really necessary to have your eyes on both spots somewhat, if you really want to be a specialist who is not only good because he's, well, a little crazy about what he does and what his fire is, but also has that officially recognized baggage, so that his work is recognized and available to those who may need it most. Spots that feed each other and complement each other as well. If you are a complete outsider with considerable talent and quite a workload, but which, let's say, can not necessarily impress others, then such a situation can gradually turn into self-sabotage, because simply, why follow a path that is fine and necessary only for you and your inner self social circle? After all, this is more the image of a hobby than a profession... And again, if you are not passionate about what you do, what you study, volunteering for some organizations, etc... Well, maybe you chose it because of direct/indirect family pressure, or maybe you chose it because it was considered a popular wave of that time, maybe because of money, because of an image, to be among ok people and something else... It can simply die out, get exhausted, if it doesn't lead to the growth of that liked related thing, for example - money... or social recognition among colleagues, or your family will not be satisfied either way. Well, in other words, the thing that your chosen profession guarantees, it will not grow or grow temporarily or not so impressively. To be honest, I don't know when there is no passion, and the profession is based on a different foundation, if that choice will last, but I am convinced that such a specialist is often a completely frozen landscape, which is based on pure intelligence alone, not emotions... and we all are emotional creatures basically, well, just because of that trauma alone, even if you understand it intellectually, it doesn't heal at all, and it's because nothing changes on an emotional level. But then again, to expect that only emotions/passions will lead to reaching professional ambitions and drives... well, that's not the attitude of a sober or mature person... or say, although the story of Don Quixote is romantic enough, maybe it's just a bit painful too.

P.s.: anyway the best diploma of my life is for endurance and sportsmanship, when I finished the distance with a broken ski while falling behind everyone by a good few hundred meters... 🏅 well, apart from all the annual ones for good studying, loads of them.

​Self-harm usually is classified as a fawn response, why? Well, let's take a simple very physical example for illustration: a person has acted in such a way that you want to hit him or similar... And here you go to him to crack it up, and he suddenly starts hitting himself, or if you want to yell and so at him, and he starts verbally abusing himself loudly, apologizes, diminishes himself, defeats himself, devalues himself... He simply becomes some kind of self-abusive crazy one just before your eyes. Would there be at least some desire to do something for him (or her) then? Most of the time no, not much, you just want to go away and never come back to him or call an ambulance if he's dangerously self-destructing, or be happy that "trash took itself out", or you have this thought "I knew he was fcking nothing, eesh". So the essence of such behavior is to reduce violence to yourself... Because you will abuse yourself not as brutally as others, you will hit yourself maybe not in the eye, but somewhere nearby and not as hard, etc. You can control it, but you can't ever really control another person's actions... That's it. Maybe now it is clear why people can harm themselves... And why and how does it become a problem?
The problem is that if such defense was needed for a very long time and, let's say, constantly, well, if there were no supportive, listening, or at least more curious people around, and you not only experienced some kind of violence every day, but it happened constantly and for a long time. These and similar defenses gradually became a part of life, well...they became parts of YOU...You were and still are now what your environment completely rejected and you simultaneously became and integrated into yourself the parts that mirrored your violent environment. .. And that's why you can still be both yourself and that entity that can and actually does abuse yourself (well because that's how you managed to reduce abuse from others once)... In other words, by the environment in which you grew up you've been taught that this is the way the world is and that this way of treating yourself, it is normal, acceptable, and even encouraged. That's it... And times are changing, the world is bigger than just relatives and school, and gradually an adult man realizes that his behavior is not very adequate, but he just didn't learn it differently, because there was no way to learn it differently... And what's even more sticky is that he/she will involuntarily want to keep the world the way he/she has learned, so those who are either similar to him/her or to that person's environment while growing up will gather around, well, i.e. people similar to his parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, teachers, etc. Closed circle.
This problem, which again is very well and simply called self-hatred... It's really super complicated... Because even if a person goes to therapy, coaching, etc., and even gets a peaceful role model, an environment where there's no violence against them, neither physically nor psychologically... Where a professional can and does make mistakes... and has his/her own problems, doesn't always understand, etc., but is still NOT violent or abusive... Even then, that shadow remains, saying that something is wrong with you and this therapeutic relationship only proves that, healthy people don't go to therapy, they just live lalalala... well, those abusive thoughts and so on, which are cultivated from very young years, directly or indirectly... which sit like a program code in the brain... Besides after getting used to the environment in which you grew up, it is so difficult and scary to change, this coding (scary because of the unknown, and newness)...
Well, but... to put it briefly and simply, I think that no matter how deep the codes of the self-hatred program are written into the brain, it is really possible to change them, and it is the coding, not the arrangement and color of the buttons or something... As so many people think that is a good idea to simply change the design. Like, if I take help, then I am not healthy." Well, usually such people have the belief that through a partner, friends, activities, and achievements, it is possible to "get rid" of it, that self-hatred... but in reality, they only feed it, because the more you "stuff" the wound to look ok, the more it festers ... it just takes good care and openness for real healing to begin. This is also a broad topic, because many specialists conduct very standard sessions, and it is much easier to prescribe drugs after some label of theee diagnosis, instead of long repetitive conversations, and long pumping of unconditional love, until the person slowly slowly recovers... with the risk that they might not recover. My therapist (who has a sufficiently twisted sense of humor :D) keeps telling me that I'm going down the harder paths, but are they really harder if the alternative is a mountain of drugs... or/and some "effective" and "positive" addiction, in my case it would probably be work (with quite fine accomplishments) and toxic relationships (which would be followed by a quite charming and likable climb out of the SAME but slightly different pit). :D Then, well, it's definitely the harder path I choose...
That's it... And if some really important part of your personality has just been pushed into oblivion as non-existent and you now have an impressive self-loathing auto-mechanism on it... I believe it can be tamed... and I give good energy to those who are already trying to tame it.
AHA, but what! about self-control :)) Well, after all, people are told that she/he is out of control when hurting her/himself... It's the other way around... They've learned to control themselves so much that it's beyond the limits of humanity... and they can even be attacky or start gaslighting you and etc, if you show that you don't need that harsh defense with you, that they can release that control at least a little bit. All these demons and monsters, beasts and darkness within... who have become "best" and perhaps the only "friends"... Can slowly give way to the parts that have been pushed out, demoralized, cut off, and left to fate... In this way, self-hatred slowly begins to dissolve. Being red-haired is ok, writing with your left is ok, many things today are ok, what was a complete taboo in some Soviet Union or some Zimbabwe (I have nothing against Zimbabve or other places, I grew up in one like these).
You understand reality and yourself adequately enough, you know well enough who you are and what you want, you know how to make life decisions and choices, you know how to live, and you are ready for secure relationships. Not necessarily ideal, not necessarily flawless... but definitely not necessarily with that inhuman hatred for yourself and your behavior either.