Here I present mostly just a summary of one course I attended that was provided for co-dependent people. What I took from there is somewhat of the map of where I want to go in my life (or art of life, if that's your way of looking at it), what directions to hold... what daily tasks to do, how to manage emotional ok state, how to enable these things all in general and so on. Course is repeatedly provided by Richard Grannon and they are moving their website to new address or similar, so atm you can find him on YouTube or Telegram, if interested.
Ok, so why it is important to sort a know, what you're up in life and why?? - meaning, what directions - values, virtues in you are moving you towards creating your goals, wishes, visions, dreams, you life style? Well... because there are too many lost people... too many people that are worshiping someone just because they can't have their own selves built-up.. It's a mess, people envy, people blame, people get blinded by emotions... people get totally dead by rationalisation, you see that type of people think, if you're not acceptably ethical, you must be a thug by default... That's their value :D "behave or I'll put you in your place"... no vision, no direction, just pompastic, blown up ME - childish ego. Also there are plenty of virtue signalling - that is, when people laugh about virtues, portraying them as archaic something that no one ever can or should hold on to... Yeah, I get it, you're young, you don't care, you know all and that "all" is everything that's most trendy AT THIS DAY, like no history was made before and as, if no history will come after TODAY.. and there can't be much of the blame here, I think. It's just that inability to actually clarify your own, crystallized virtues and have some sort a system or matrix of it makes you signal them.... To follow a virtue makes anyone seem as more moral and good or smthing, it makes them to be clear, straight and disciplined and that on the outside seems like good and moral thing to be for others... therefor people, who can't or don't want to work out their own values, they signal them: here I support equality, here I support freedom of speech, here I support spider men, here I support logic. Whatever comes, where ever wind blows. And again even, if you have strong basis, you might seem just as populistic as I described now... why? Cause you don't really care much about virtue fashion, it changes but so does your own system, so why not to align a bit, right? Like, if you already know yours, why not to be curious about, what system of virtues is ongoing in today's world in general.... Don't get fooled: one person is blown by wind, since he/she doesn't have their own matrix, the other person rides wind of changes out of curiosity, since they have their own system... it's more of the fun to ride it :D it's not populistic, people pleasing stuff. Why not to gain some experience from outside world, being stuck isn't very refreshing, isn't it?... just like not having own roots isn't very fun ride at all, more of kamikaze - in action.
So how the virtue looks like? There are plenty ok, good lists of those online or in books, in our heads in our every day conversations too. You can find some here or here or here too, so on.
So these might be your directions in life, you can see, how your life decisions or everyday tasks and behaviour is really driven by these :D amazing discoveries, when you see it in action and actually recognise how it all is aligned in harmony. That's the way out of matrix you hate so much, that outside matrix that tells you about, what you need to do, why... what you can't do and why.. No, this is you, your own choices and realisations, your own way, own Your-self, not the self of the others they need you to be, so.. no one else controls you just as you can't control them, not really.
After finding directions you can build up some sort of areas that are important for you: relationships, carer, finances, leisure, physical health, mental health, hobbies, spiritual health, education, world views, so on. Then you can attach your main goals onto those main areas, that you are active in. Example: CAREER - I want to get my first job by my profession or I want to get better position at my job; RELATIONSHIPS - I want to go with my spouse to relationship council and/or on vacation trip; my goal in HEALTH is to reach my optimal weight or/and to build up biceps, so on. Something like this:
In the second image (2) you can also find some other aspects than directions - virtues, these aspects are about:
- How reaching each of these goals would make you feel,
- How your body sensations would be, when reaching your goals,
- What obstacles and personal blockages you need to overcome in mowing towards your goals.
You can also build another type of visualisation about how it would feel or sense after reaching them - goals (image 3). These tasks helps you to not only understand but feel, transfer you into that time, when you already reached your destination, and that creates greater motivation, proof of your attempts being realistic.
After building that greater picture and directions and all, you can start to turn back to your everyday. Then you can build up small tasks for each day to hit that would slowly but steady lead to your goals, and minimum tasks you allow your-self to be ok with (not to get scared, overwhelmed and then paralyzed by bigger stuff) :) An example:
And I'm not sure, but it might be enough for this time, I would go for more details and/or for emotional health maintaining exercise in another entry. These I mentioned above, were mostly about building up the big picture to hold on too and to refresh, when time comes or by a need. You don't have to put self into an "army forces" everyday, but sometimes that is exactly, what's best... Up to you; your style of maintaining your ways to go for your life, to chase it and to let it create your personality are the best choices to make, just as Your-self - is best choice you make in every second. Don't give up the path and go through the challenges you meet, world would be a boredom without these. :) Let's fcking build it - our lifes!! 🧱
kisses and all 💋
Ou.. maybe this video too about how to maaaaagically turn from the abusive situations, - so called drama (or Karpman) triangle, into empowerment situations: MAGIC IN ACTION 🪄🪄🪄
So.... after finishing adventures of black sheep and a scapegoat (or at least it's some shorter or longer time pause for now)... I want to talk about boundaries. Previously in first (after few year pause) spontaneous blog's entry about relationships I wrote on needs and preferences in bonding, everyone could have their preferences verbalised just to be more clear, what they are looking for and what would be surely a way to good connection. So now... I have strong need to go for boundaries... This is somewhat, maybe an opposite thing but mostly is about same... Needs are about, what you want and boundaries are about, what you don't want. Because some things, if they are crossed, people can be hurt in ways that are either not repairable or it would take super long time and super heavy efforts, so sometimes it's just better to let go... And most of all it is also better to be aware, you have those boundaries and even more better 🙌 - to verbalise them. Just my opinion but I think these things could ease so much of burden and missunderstandings that relationships bare within... They evoke our bond with our parents: every tiny traumatic experience will let you know, how fcked up you and your wounds are... not to mention, that your partner/friend will have that precious opening and hurt all the way too... so you can't turn somewhere much, this all is your to care and to heal and to verbalise it. So.... less of fog (even, if it's pink and rosy :D) and confusion - at the start, the better outcome - in the longer run. That's the recipe I try to write down here, take it or not - up to you.
Here are my own rough, raw put boundaries... I'm fully aware we all meet wonderful people and it's no end to it until we are alive. Still... if connection with my partner is real and mature enough, meeting walking wonders ✨ can make some temporary soul wondering, maybe even body rush but... it's never serious or not serious enough and eventually it becomes something else: a lesson, a friendship, a working project, a joy of meeting someone great. And personally, I wouldn't accept breaking these below, or at least not 3-4 times in a row without any signs of change:
There are also love, acceptance, respect and empathy... these must be (in every bond actually, can't imagine anything without). I'm still learning them... It is hard art.. patience and courage helps, maybe.. I'm not sure but let's find out on the way :)
And this is how you look and think, when your boundaries are in tact and your preferences aren't shattered... :D almost like Frank Sinatra... just more open, well, another times - another fashion.
I would also recommend very very very much this channel on YouTube: Psych2Go - super easy understandable content, cutest ever drawings - like sprouted plants 🌱, important topics (love, life and s**t), many videos to choose from... mmm... one of my favourites next to the morning cup or on a short break.
Hey, another week - another topic in narcissistic kingdom. This time about, how narcs tend to behave in relationships, it's usually some repetitive cycle that goes on and on.
Todays terms: Narcissistic Hoovering and Grey Rock Method.
Definition by Psychology Today: "Narcissistic hoovering refers to attempts made by the narcissist to bring you back into their life – often after a period of distance on your part"
Definition by Medicine Net: "Hoovering is done by a “narcissistic person” when they think the victim or the person who they abuse or control is seeking to move away."
Synonym: sucking someone back into relationship.
Definition by Medical News Today: "The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people."
Definition by Healthline: "This strategy involves becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be when interacting with a manipulative person."
Synonym: non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock.
I would want to first of all to show that cycle that narcissistic people go on and on with anyone... It's never different and it's always repeating. I guess, something similar to this cycle exist in usual couple's life too but not as sharp and as unbearable as in narcissistic bond. Of course, it's worth to mention that narcissistic people hardly hook up with people, who don't have narcissistic wounds in them... simply because neither narcs are interested in them (they don't shine so bright, they are just too boring to a narc) nor those people are interested in narcissist, usually they seem too intimidating to those people, too shinny and extraordinary. Narcissists choose people or are chosen by people, who also lack in self-esteem and self-love but they might have covert narcissism, well, not that grandiose, god alike exposure and dominance, rather the opposite - always anxious, unsure but deep down knowing they are the best and most sensitive people anyone can find, it's just that no one sees it and! no one can... since that is sort a secret to not reveal a another "secret" that is narcissistic wound: they lack of basic capability to sooth themselves and be just ok as they are... They always - not enough, so overt (classic grandiose) narc seems as a perfect "another side of the apple" to them... Although overt narcs just play that "god's role" to cover same wound covert narcs have: they never ever feel enough as they are in their mind, heart. Here is quite and easy and clear text on: narcissistic injury and healing. (stated statistics in this text about male narcissism being more widely spread than in women is bit out of date, at the present there are some sources, that the distribution is approaching 50/50 of the diagnosed cases between the sexes and also it's important to mention that people with healthy expressed narcissism may end up in a relationship with seriously narcissistic people).
Anyway, going back to that cycle you will get into, if you have some narc wound from your upbringing looks like this:
Definition of Triangulation by Wikipedia here, and in few words it's a situation, where you are dragged into triangle, where narcissist tries to portray you as an abuser to that third person and manipulate you this way.
Smear Campaign often is performed by Flying Monkeys of the narcissist
Yeah, that's how an actual Star Wars begin :D since everyone, who is narcissistically injured in their upbringing is obviously grandiose star or star that hesitates to be that grandiose but they still are that, just secretly hidden :D So, we can go back to our guys now black-sheep and scapegoat:
As you see, they met a Dart Veider innocently hoovering his room or, say, he wants MOST PROBABLY to hoover back that hard to get rock guy and... well... they have a talk about it. Sheep says this dude Dart Veider tries to hoover back will probably be ok, and it's true, if you are dealing with narcissistic people best ways to deal with them are: no contact or grey rock method.
Grey Rock method in my opinion is similar to no contact but it goes about no contact with your inner self, emotional world. No contact is you withdrawing whole of your-self, grey rock method - you withdrawing your inner, emotional world and remain in contact but more of as an radio: no emotions, plain answers, no initiation of a conversation, no further hooks for discussion, nothing, plain, cold, not emotional, boringly numb as a rock... And that's it.
Oh, right :D not to mention to mess it all up: narcissistically injured people very often like to play the biggest victims in the room and ghost people or appear in acting out the grey rock method with their prays just to convince everyone and them-selves that they are abused and no one else. Mostly it's about not letting go of all possible power and love, since that is everything that they didn't get in their childhood and will take and hold in all ways possible and known to them... Not because they don't want ok relationships with you, just because they don't know, how to do it, and first and biggest need to them is to remain and hold on to those things they never had rather than be ok with themselves as they are and then with you too.
Best wishes to understand, what's going on and leave people to heal their narcissistic wounds, since that isn't your duty to do it for them, it's theirs.
And to all of those, who have this kind of wound... Please, try a therapy or self-knowledge at least, don't be afraid to feel as you really feel about your-self and your life, go through it... and eventually you will find ways to regain ok self-love and a power given to all of us just the way we are, because we are the way we are. "EVERY PERSON IS BORN WITH A SEED OF GREATNESS", - (Myles Munroe) + And you can't escape that .... unless you wish to run from your greatness or pretend you have way more of it than you do :) it's your choice.
Blog posts are edited and some additional info put in over the time not to be very surprised about changes in texts while reviewing older posts.
Hello, today's topic is about narcissistic way of socialising, so we could take few terms to talk about. Today those terms are: Word Salad, Kernel of Truth, also borderline disorder can be touched but it's secondary focus for me here.
Definitions by the Wikipedia for Word Salad: A word salad [...] is a "confused or unintelligible mixture of seemingly random words and phrases". [...] The words may or may not be grammatically correct, but are semantically confused to the point that the listener cannot extract any meaning from them.
Definitions by Oxford Languages for Word Salad: a confused or unintelligible mixture of seemingly random words and phrases.
Synonym: gibberish, incoherency.
Definition by APA Dictionary of Psychology for Kernel of Truth: the idea that stereotypes, despite being exaggerated generalizations about a group of diverse individuals, sometimes contain elements that accurately describe the qualities of the stereotyped group.Definition by Saylor Academy for Kernel of Truth: a stereotype is a generalized belief about the qualities or characteristics of a particular group of people.
Synonym: a fragment, a hint.
Also borderline rage moments could be mentioned here but... that's another issue and I am not a big fan of pathologizing people's behaviour in any way, so maybe I pass with this.
To tell it straight and shortly for me Word Salad is, when someone just has this.. sort a fluent and repetitive way of talking in the way that actually says nothing much. You can call it small talk, you can call it extravert feature, you can call it ice-breaker but sometimes is can be narcissist's way to gaslight their conversation partner. Again, I guess, some people just copy that from their guardian's behaviour and that really can be just a part of their tools for communication. How would you know, it's used for wrong reasons? You can know, if it doesn't change for long time, if the person can't lose it and turn conversation other way, where it can start to have an actual meaning... And also, if your relation to that word salad serving person never changes, if he/she remains the same, serving same salad, never planning, never showing some more solid moves towards you. Especially in relationship building beginning or similar people might get nervous, anxious and unsure, so things might get messy but it shouldn't bring you into endless spirals of this verbal defensiveness out of nervousness, if you try to support and care and it's obvious or you are simply straight and telling, you are ok to build something together. this has to help that person to relax, if he/she can't relax and start being more clear and also hearing you out and inviting you to join in to dialogue... that might be an issue. It also might be a copy of person's parents' or guardians' behaviour and if that person copied it very very early in their infanthood, it might stay with them. In this case I just wish that someone would be ok with this type of expression, it's erratic, eccentric, aimless. It's never personally against anyone, just some people are more eccentric, others - less, some like eccentrism, some don't, seems fair enough. So here, I guess, I have best wishes to find you eccentric someone, if you like that :D or ordinary someone, if that's "the wheels" that you prefer; also be aware, if you're into trouble with someone, who can't really control themselves and you will need to do that for them or they just need some continuous, repetitive signs of acceptance and reassurance of your presents. Even most nervous and anxious people simply calm down, if there is guarantee they won't be dumped as another garbage piece out of somebody's life. You know it, everyone does.. We just forget... life's busy, everyone runs and roses are left without smelling them. :/
Ok, on Kernel of Truth for me it's when a person hooks you up with some fragments or hints of something or someone and you start wondering, how it is for real... since it's often mixed with some dubious or foggy facts too. With Words Salad I tend to wait until person starts to feel calm enough to reveal them-selves, with Kernel of Truth I tend to wait too... since time has capability to show off real face of person's interests and knowledges. Again this might occur at the start of knowing each other, person might wish to understand, what they have similar with you, what are your opinions on some groups, where you stand your-self in social ways in: politics, sexuality, finances, hobbies, activities, psychologically, so on. So often they might be really not clear, while they them-selves are trying to understand, where you stand yourself :D and then plenty of misunderstandings appear... But steady and slowly it clears out. Again, this defensiveness might come from someone, who has this toxicity against some groups of people and simply is prejudist and wants to find either similar people or anyone to brainwash into prejudism... Best wishes to stay patient with a hint of wisdom and look closer at each one, you might evaluate as intolerant...
Ah yes, also it might come exactly from the family they grew up in, they might have been integrated prejudism against people like them-selves. I talk a lot about these guys: blacksheep and scapegoat being pushed and targeted constantly, but mainly... they got it in their childhood and mainly they don't like them-selves so much not because they chose so, they don't like something about them because that was basic rule no one could touch ever. It was about some particular features being even to consider it to be ever ok or even too gross to talk about it.... So now deep deep down inside stayed the same - disliking, hating it in them, going to fight for those qualities to be accepted and failing again... It's not outside already, it's deep inside.... And it's still learned, so this disliking and hating can be dismantled and changed :) BEST NEWS so far :D Since about some features I am black-sheep/scapegoat too but slowly learning to dismantle self-hatred and :) it feels amazing to do so. Best luck to all 🌐💮🤍💮 🌐
Pain au chocolat (from French) - one of the most famous chocolate pastry in France
Here is also some words' and stuffs mix for illustration from Youtube's crafts: Celebrities Go to a Fancy Restaurant ಠ_ಠ
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.