So.... after finishing adventures of black sheep and a scapegoat (or at least it's some shorter or longer time pause for now)... I want to talk about boundaries. Previously in first spontaneous blog's entry about relationships I wrote on preferences in bonding, everyone could have their preferences verbalised just to be more clear, what they are looking for and what would be surely a way to good connection. So now... I have strong need to go for boundaries... This is somewhat, maybe an opposite thing but mostly is about same... Preferences are about, what you want and boundaries are about, what you don't want. Because some things, if they are crossed, people can be hurt in ways that are either not repairable or it would take super long time and super heavy efforts, so sometimes it's just better to let go... And most of all it is also better to be aware, you have those boundaries and even more better - to verbalise them. Just my opinion but I think these things could ease so much of burden and missunderstandings that relationships bare within... They evoke our bond with our parents: every tiny traumatic experience will let you know, how fcked up you and your wounds are... not to mention, that your partner/friend will have that precious opening and hurt all the way too... so you can't turn somewhere much, this all is your to care and to heal and to verbalise it. So.... less of fog (even, if it's pink and rosy :D) and confusion - at the start, the better outcome - in the longer run. That's the recipe I try to write down here, take it or not - up to you.
Here are my own rough, raw put boundaries... I'm fully aware we all meet wonderful people and it's no end to it until we are alive. Still... if connection with my partner is real and mature enough, meeting walking wonders can make some temporary soul wondering, maybe even body rush but... it's never serious or not serious enough and eventually it becomes something else: a lesson, a friendship, a working project, a joy of meeting someone great. And personally, I wouldn't accept breaking these below, or at least not 3-4 times in a row without any signs of change:
There are also love, acceptance, respect and empathy... these must be (in every bond actually, can't imagine anything without). I'm still learning them... It is hard art.. patience and courage helps, maybe.. I'm not sure but let's find out on the way :)
And this is how you look and think, when your boundaries are in tact and your preferences aren't shattered... :D almost like Frank Sinatra... just more open, well, another times - another fashion.
I would also recommend very very very much this channel on YouTube: Psych2Go - super easy understandable content, cutest ever drawings, important topics (love, life and s**t), many videos to choose from... mmm... one of my favourites next to the morning cup or on a short break.
Hey, another week - another topic in narcissistic kingdom. This time about, how narcs tend to behave in relationships, it's usually some repetitive cycle that goes on and on.
Todays terms: Narcissistic Hoovering and Grey Rock Method.
Definition by Psychology Today: "Narcissistic hoovering refers to attempts made by the narcissist to bring you back into their life – often after a period of distance on your part"
Definition by Medicine Net: "Hoovering is done by a “narcissistic person” when they think the victim or the person who they abuse or control is seeking to move away."
Synonym: sucking someone back into relationship.
Definition by Medical News Today: "The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people."
Definition by Healthline: "This strategy involves becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be when interacting with a manipulative person."
Synonym: non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock.
I would want to first of all to show that cycle that narcissistic people go on and on with anyone... It's never different and it's always repeating. I guess, something similar to this cycle exist in usual couple's life too but not as sharp and as unbearable as in narcissistic bond. Of course, it's worth to mention that narcissistic people hardly hook up with people, who don't have narcissistic wounds in them... simply because neither narcs are interested in them (they don't shine so bright, they are just too boring to a narc) nor those people are interested in narcissist, usually they seem too intimidating to those people, too shinny and extraordinary. Narcissists choose people or are chosen by people, who also lack in self-esteem and self-love but they might have covert narcissism, well, not that grandiose, god alike exposure and dominance, rather the opposite - always anxious, unsure but deep down knowing they are the best and most sensitive people anyone can find, it's just that no one sees it and! no one can... since that is sort a secret to not reveal a another "secret" that is narcissistic wound: they lack of basic capability to sooth themselves and be just ok as they are... They always - not enough, so overt (classic grandiose) narc seems as a perfect "another side of the apple" to them... Although overt narcs just play that "god's role" to cover same wound covert narcs have: they never ever feel enough as they are in their mind, heart. Here is quite and easy and clear text on: narcissistic injury and healing.
Anyway, going back to that cycle you will get into, if you have some narc wound from your upbringing looks like this:
Definition of Triangulation by Wikipedia here, and in few words it's a situation, where you are dragged into triangle, where narcissist tries to portray you as an abuser to that third person and manipulate you this way.
Smear Campaign often is performed by Flying Monkeys of the narcissist
Yeah, that's how an actual Star Wars begin :D since everyone, who is narcissistically injured in their upbringing is obviously grandiose star or star that hesitates to be that grandiose but they still are that, just secretly hidden :D So, we can go back to our guys now black-sheep and scapegoat:
As you see, they met a Dart Veider innocently hoovering his room or, say, he wants MOST PROBABLY to hoover back that hard to get rock guy and... well... they have a talk about it. Sheep says this dude Dart Veider tries to hoover back will probably be ok, and it's true, if you are dealing with narcissistic people best ways to deal with them are: no contact or grey rock method.
Grey Rock method in my opinion is similar to no contact but it goes about no contact with your inner self, emotional world. No contact is you withdrawing whole of your-self, grey rock method - you withdrawing your inner, emotional world and remain in contact but more of as an radio: no emotions, plain answers, no initiation of a conversation, no further hooks for discussion, nothing, plain, cold, not emotional, boringly numb as a rock... And that's it.
Oh, right :D not to mention to mess it all up: narcissistically injured people very often like to play the biggest victims in the room and ghost people or appear in acting out the grey rock method with their prays just to convince everyone and them-selves that they are abused and no one else. Mostly it's about not letting go of all possible power and love, since that is everything that they didn't get in their childhood and will take and hold in all ways possible and known to them... Not because they don't want ok relationships with you, just because they don't know, how to do it, and first and biggest need to them is to remain and hold on to those things they never had rather than be ok with themselves as they are and then with you too.
Best wishes to understand, what's going on and leave people to heal their narcissistic wounds, since that isn't your duty to do it for them, it's theirs.
And to all of those, who have this kind of wound... Please, try a therapy or self-knowledge at least, don't be afraid to feel as you really feel about your-self and your life, go through it... and eventually you will find ways to regain ok self-love and a power given to all of us just the way we are, because we are the way we are. "EVERY PERSON IS BORN WITH A SEED OF GREATNESS", - (Myles Munroe) + And you can't escape that .... unless you wish to run from your greatness or pretend you have way more of it than you do :) it's your choice.
Hello, today's topic is about narcissistic way of socialising, so we could take few terms to talk about. Today those terms are: Word Salad, Kernel of Truth, also borderline disorder can be touched but it's secondary focus for me here.
Definitions by the Wikipedia for Word Salad: A word salad [...] is a "confused or unintelligible mixture of seemingly random words and phrases". [...] The words may or may not be grammatically correct, but are semantically confused to the point that the listener cannot extract any meaning from them.
Definitions by Oxford Languages for Word Salad: a confused or unintelligible mixture of seemingly random words and phrases.
Synonym: gibberish, incoherency.
Definition by APA Dictionary of Psychology for Kernel of Truth: the idea that stereotypes, despite being exaggerated generalizations about a group of diverse individuals, sometimes contain elements that accurately describe the qualities of the stereotyped group.Definition by Saylor Academy for Kernel of Truth: a stereotype is a generalized belief about the qualities or characteristics of a particular group of people.
Synonym: a fragment, a hint.
Also borderline rage moments could be mentioned here but... that's another issue and I am not a big fan of pathologizing people's behaviour in any way, so maybe I pass with this.
To tell it straight and shortly for me Word Salad is, when someone just has this.. sort a fluent and repetitive way of talking in the way that actually says nothing much. You can call it small talk, you can call it extravert feature, you can call it ice-breaker but sometimes is can be narcissist's way to gaslight their conversation partner. Again, I guess, some people just copy that from their guardian's behaviour and that really can be just a part of their tools for communication. How would you know, it's used for wrong reasons? You can know, if it doesn't change for long time, if the person can't lose it and turn conversation other way, where it can start to have an actual meaning... And also, if your relation to that word salad serving person never changes, if he/she remains the same, serving same salad, never planning, never showing some more solid moves towards you. Especially in relationship building beginning or similar people might get nervous, anxious and unsure, so things might get messy but it shouldn't bring you into endless spirals of this verbal defensiveness out of nervousness, if you try to support and care and it's obvious or you are simply straight and telling, you are ok to build something together. this has to help that person to relax, if he/she can't relax and start being more clear and also hearing you out and inviting you to join in to dialogue... that might be an issue. It also might be a copy of person's parents' or guardians' behaviour and if that person copied it very very early in their infanthood, it might stay with them. In this case I just wish that someone would be ok with this type of expression, it's erratic, eccentric, aimless. It's never personally against anyone, just some people are more eccentric, others - less, some like eccentrism, some don't, seems fair enough. So here, I guess, I have best wishes to find you eccentric someone, if you like that :D or ordinary someone, if that's "the wheels" that you prefer; also be aware, if you're into trouble with someone, who can't really control themselves and you will need to do that for them or they just need some continuous, repetitive signs of acceptance and reassurance of your presents. Even most nervous and anxious people simply calm down, if there is guarantee they won't be dumped as another garbage piece out of somebody's life. You know it, everyone does.. We just forget... life's busy, everyone runs and roses are left without smelling them. :/
Ok, on Kernel of Truth for me it's when a person hooks you up with some fragments or hints of something or someone and you start wondering, how it is for real... since it's often mixed with some dubious or foggy facts too. With Words Salad I tend to wait until person starts to feel calm enough to reveal them-selves, with Kernel of Truth I tend to wait too... since time has capability to show off real face of person's interests and knowledges. Again this might occur at the start of knowing each other, person might wish to understand, what they have similar with you, what are your opinions on some groups, where you stand your-self in social ways in: politics, sexuality, finances, hobbies, activities, psychologically, so on. So often they might be really not clear, while they them-selves are trying to understand, where you stand yourself :D and then plenty of misunderstandings appear... But steady and slowly it clears out. Again, this defensiveness might come from someone, who has this toxicity against some groups of people and simply is prejudist and wants to find either similar people or anyone to brainwash into prejudism... Best wishes to stay patient with a hint of wisdom and look closer at each one, you might evaluate as intolerant...
Ah yes, also it might come exactly from the family they grew up in, they might have been integrated prejudism against people like them-selves. I talk a lot about these guys: blacksheep and scapegoat being pushed and targeted constantly, but mainly... they got it in their childhood and mainly they don't like them-selves so much not because they chose so, they don't like something about them because that was basic rule no one could touch ever. It was about some particular features being even to consider it to be ever ok or even too gross to talk about it.... So now deep deep down inside stayed the same - disliking, hating it in them, going to fight for those qualities to be accepted and failing again... It's not outside already, it's deep inside.... And it's still learned, so this disliking and hating can be dismantled and changed :) BEST NEWS so far :D Since about some features I am black-sheep/scapegoat too but slowly learning to dismantle self-hatred and :) it feels amazing to do so. Best luck to all 🌐💮🤍💮 🌐
Pain au chocolat (from French) - one of the most famous chocolate pastry in France
Here is also some words' and stuffs mix for illustration from Youtube's crafts: Celebrities Go to a Fancy Restaurant ಠ_ಠ
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.