Hey, another week - another topic in the narcissistic kingdom. This time about, how narcs tend to behave in relationships, it's usually some repetitive cycle that goes on and on.
Today's terms: Narcissistic Hoovering and Grey Rock Method.
Definition by Psychology Today: "Narcissistic hoovering refers to attempts made by the narcissist to bring you back into their life – often after a period of distance on your part"
Definition by Medicine Net: "Hoovering is done by a “narcissistic person” when they think the victim or the person who they abuse or control is seeking to move away."
Synonym: sucking someone back into the relationship.
Definition by Medical News Today: "The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people."
Definition by Healthline: "This strategy involves becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be when interacting with a manipulative person."
Synonym: non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock.
First, I would want to show that cycle that narcissistic people go on and on with anyone... It's never different and it's always repeating. I guess something similar to this cycle also exists in the usual couple's life but not as sharp and unbearable as in a narcissistic bond. Of course, it's worth mentioning that narcissistic people hardly hook up with people, who don't have narcissistic wounds in them... simply because neither narcs are interested in them (they don't shine so bright, they are just too boring to a narc) nor those people are interested in the narcissist, usually they seem too intimidating to those people, to shiny and extraordinary. Narcissists choose people or are chosen by people, who also lack self-esteem and self-love but they might have covert narcissism, well, not that grandiose, god alike exposure and dominance, rather the opposite - always anxious, unsure but deep down knowing they are the best and most sensitive people anyone can find, it's just that no one sees it and! no one can... since that is sort a secret to not reveal an another "secret" that is narcissistic wound: they lack basic capability to soothe themselves and be just ok as they are... They always - not enough, so overt (classic grandiose) narc seems as a perfect "another side of the apple" to them... Although overt narcs just play that "god's role" to cover the same wound covert narcs have: they never ever feel enough as they are in their mind, and heart. Here is quite an easy and clear text on narcissistic injury and healing. (stated statistics in this text about male narcissism being more widely spread than in women are a bit out of date, at the present, there are some sources, that the distribution is approaching 50/50 of the diagnosed cases between the sexes and also it's important to mention that people with healthy expressed narcissism may end up in a relationship with seriously narcissistic people).
Anyway, going back to that cycle you will get into if you have some narc wound from your upbringing looks like this:
Definition of Triangulation by Wikipedia here, and in few words it's a situation, where you are dragged into triangle, where narcissist tries to portray you as an abuser to that third person and manipulate you this way.
Smear Campaign often is performed by Flying Monkeys of the narcissist
Yeah, that's how an actual Star Wars begin :D since everyone, who is narcissistically injured in their upbringing is obviously grandiose star or star that hesitates to be that grandiose but they still are that, just secretly hidden :D So, we can go back to our guys now black-sheep and scapegoat:
As you see, they met a Dart Veider innocently hoovering his room or, say, he wants MOST PROBABLY to hoover back that hard to get rock guy and... well... they have a talk about it. Sheep says this dude Dart Veider tries to hoover back will probably be ok, and it's true, if you are dealing with narcissistic people best ways to deal with them are: no contact or grey rock method.
Grey Rock method in my opinion is similar to no contact but it goes about no contact with your inner self, emotional world. No contact is you withdrawing whole of your-self, grey rock method - you withdrawing your inner, emotional world and remain in contact but more of as an radio: no emotions, plain answers, no initiation of a conversation, no further hooks for discussion, nothing, plain, cold, not emotional, boringly numb as a rock... And that's it.
Oh, right :D not to mention to mess it all up: narcissistically injured people very often like to play the biggest victims in the room and ghost people or appear in acting out the grey rock method with their prays just to convince everyone and them-selves that they are abused and no one else. Mostly it's about not letting go of all possible power and love, since that is everything that they didn't get in their childhood and will take and hold in all ways possible and known to them... Not because they don't want ok relationships with you, just because they don't know, how to do it, and first and biggest need to them is to remain and hold on to those things they never had rather than be ok with themselves as they are and then with you too.
Best wishes to understand, what's going on and leave people to heal their narcissistic wounds, since that isn't your duty to do it for them, it's theirs.
And to all of those, who have this kind of wound... Please, try a therapy or self-knowledge at least, don't be afraid to feel as you really feel about your-self and your life, go through it... and eventually you will find ways to regain ok self-love and a power given to all of us just the way we are, because we are the way we are. "EVERY PERSON IS BORN WITH A SEED OF GREATNESS", - (Myles Munroe) + And you can't escape that .... unless you wish to run from your greatness or pretend you have way more of it than you do :) it's your choice.
Blog posts are edited and some additional info put in over the time not to be very surprised about changes in texts while reviewing older posts.
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.