Oh my god.. now, when Katy Perry is sprinkling fireworks in the acoustic background of my working spot, I need to write something that nobody really gets so far... OK, I'll try.
Anyway, there can be goals for your personal life, because at least we can regulate this phenomenon to some extent - our life, however - the dilemma of fate/free will has never been resolved in philosophy, and maybe it never will be, so it just means that we cannot fully control even our own lives. Our lives often are as if they were "given" to us, for example, sexual orientation, birth in a certain country, and so on, and that makes us "the way we are" and it's not related to the idea that we create our life, but still... blind surrender to the life's flow and only to it is short-sighted and leads to getting stuck, wasting your potential and giving your personal power to the environment... the environment that will never be better because of it, since it needs challenges too, not just swimming down the river (only dead fishes swim this way). So, this preordained part relays solely on finding someone you match well enough with and it is like buying lottery tickets, being in the right place, at the right time, etc.. well, in other words, without this personal luck and desire to follow it, it's still possible to highlight the manifestations of your free will/consciousness.
I have already mentioned that thanks to Richard Grannon's courses in the fall of 2020, I was able to put my long journaling about life goals and drawing them into a very simple but effective scheme (you can look at it again here)... Not only that, in those courses you can also quite effectively (even with extremely expressive internal resistance:)) create some list of daily steps you need to do to achieve a long-term goal eventually. It was a lot of fun if put shortly...:)
People who are already in a couple can try to create an exact goal map for their family unit/partnership. People who are starting to pair up, if they already know they're and their partner's life goals/visions - the desired, aspired lifestyle (and their current style is already connected to it in one way or another), so then they can help each other by making some compatibility schemes for better understanding. Here is an example
What you don't want to do for no money is try to hold on only to your own goals and never support your partner's or to constantly abandon your goals and focus on your partner's only. Disaster strategy.
However... even if you have a goal map, it's hard to figure out whether your and your partner's goals are compatible or not, and whether it's worth continuing to work on the connection or not... Well, even if they really match or when they're very different, maybe you can just rely on what a person's major needs are and how they fit with what you need. On this topic, Teal Swan just released a really good video about how trauma causes people to have involuntary needs later on in life:
Well, and to pay final tribute to our existing culture, which still has never disappointed anyone in its development and, so to speak, -only forward!- attitude... Maybe it is best for someone to simply not be in a long-term relationship, but to change them from time to time or to be in a polyamorous relationship or to be in a relationship just to become a dad/mom and that's it, no big romantics there... absolute diversity - all around.
P.s.: if you've come this far and you liked it, would you consider supporting it?? Whether in euros or pounds, or cryptos, or simply by sharing... well, because... it isn't that easy to do sometimes, and because one way or the other all is connected... and each of us just passes the baton to the next one all the time. 🤘🤘🏃♂️🏃♀️
Here it is the list of values... Because I annoyed myself enough with only talking about it and not doing it, although really, REALLY, man, it's not that easy to make such a matrix or something similar, so to speak, you don't have to drive yourself crazy about it too.
One way or another, after internal dramas or simply deathly inner silence, I created it.
Mhm, and now here are some comments on this simply wonderful piece of mine :D
1) God in this matrix isn't necessarily what it is for all Catholics or other Christians, but he is also not just an ordinary concept that does not mean anythingbut just an outdated and worn-out character of the Bible and some other widely spread books. In this context god is the sum of all values, the embodiment of all possible virtues... You may ask, why, if science is some kind of integration of all truth-reality, then the concentration of virtues cannot be something neutral, rational, such as morality... hm, to be honest, I don't really know the answer. However, in religion, God often also has another role, which is usually called logos and it relates to pure rationality... Maybe the answer is: you just don't want to completely become a robot and reduce everything to a neutral, lifeless machinery, but leave space for nature instead, for something that is simply too difficult for one person with one consciousness to grasp.
In psychology, or maybe even in general, the balance between emotions and rationality is quite important... Even the heart has its own neurons (more info - here), and the brain is actually the organ that feels, although the sensations of those feelings and emotions come to us physically through the area of the heart .
2) The four columns of values in the matrix pic are taken from the book King Warrior Magician Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, which is not really a textbook, but rather my choice coupled with my inclination for grouping. It could also be divided into, say:
- Psychology (Magician equivalent)
- LGBT activities (Warrior equivalent)
- Arts (Lover equivalent)
- Community (King equivalent)
3) How to distinguish whether a person has similar or different value systems and so... Well, if you see that some directions do not correspond radically to yours... for example: the opinion of others is not very important to me, well, it is important, I take it into account, because it helps to keep yourself up to date and to improve, but in reality I still mostly rely on my intuition, etc. I listen to people when I know that they are much more knowledgeable in some area than I am, for example in politics or computers or music making or the society of some other country, etc. So, going back to the topic: if a person is very attentive to decency, normativity, etc., this may conflict with my tendency to value authenticity and honesty; and this conflict would arise because something fundamental in both would be violated. However, all the blocks of values should be reviewed, because perhaps the truth and it's honest expression are as important to the person (person that holds decency, normativity for their virtues) as subtlety and tolerance are important to me (even, if I hold authenticity and honesty as virtues too), so it is not necessary that there will be a strong conflict in communication anyway.
If sports are important to a person and not arts.... If his/her direction in life is the career in specific profession rather than community… you just won't find many topics for comunication to each other in the long run and any effort to build this family cabin will be doomed. Compatibility is what determines almost everything, because love can ignite quite often... (at least for me, I almost certainly fall in love with someone who feels something similar to me :D) it's just not an essential indicator, although without it there would be nothing to talk about. And if an union is possible, where love does not slip towards other people, I have not yet experienced it, so it is pointless to theorize about it.
Behold and have a nice time :)) spring has sprung after all 💐
And this ⬇️ is exactly what ruins everything... ⬇️ with those buttons, although hm, probably it's the other way around, really :)) ⬇️
P.s.: compatibility isn't sameness or being different... it's just that directions in your life - your most important values must not be in an ongoing conflict with another person's directions. About this topic - in the next entry.
Key Factors for Relationships
I would like to talk about relationships again and brush up a bit on my understanding of compatibility with someone.
Over a period of time, I gradually noticed and identified several important aspects in compatibility and the understanding can be improved to make it easier to choose the right partner. For example, in addition to a list of preferences/personal boundaries, you can make 2 lists or schemes (as you like), which basically determine compatibility with someone:
1) The first and probably the most important is the list of values. A person must know his values and you can find it out through conversations with your person over time, how much your values are in match/mismatch. Virtue matrix or compass is an indispensable tool in anyone's life, whether they live with someone or alone. Examples of upheld values may include:
- aesthetics/beauty/creativity etc.
What values/directions prevail in a person, such is and will be his life. Again, the value system does not have to be 100% identical for both partners, some blocks in it may differ, but basically compatibility here guarantees durability and deeply blooming love.
I'm trying to put together my virtue matrix somehow, so I hope I won't talk about it so much anymore, but finally will construct it.
2) The second and very important list is about your life style, goals etc. I will repeat it again, but if you already have a matrix, compass of values, you can also create a map of life goals :) This exercise is also quite difficult and you need to learn a lot about your own daily rhythm, playfulness and willingness to initiate planning, but it is possible. Examples of goals, life style can be about: inclination, passion for certain things, for example: art, politics, travel
- or tendency to be sedentary, desire to have a family, importance of children
- or career, attitude towards finances, sexuality
- or attitude towards self-exploration, self-knowledge, mental health hygiene etc.
If these things do not coincide at all, for example, one person wants to live in the city center, does not want a family, and the other wants to live somewhere in the village and wants not only a family, but also a farm, they simply will not have enough opportunities to get along. Goals, lifestyles don't have to match 100%, but there should be enough overlap on both sides. Also it shouldn't be that one or the other person tries to look only at their/each other's goals and not support their spouse, such a union is doomed to failure. Compatibility here guarantees easy and acceptable togetherness, thereby avoiding tension and the problems arising from it. An example of life goals map can be found in this post.
The following 2 points are not so fatal, I think, but conversation, curiosity would certainly not be a fail. If attraction has already happened, then you can do some research :) Finding out more about your/someone else's character may not be such a stressful and attentive activity but rather a bit of curiosity, a desire to check, to get to know the character classifications prevailing in the world at the moment. These aspects are not very conscious and fit very well next to knowing love/apology languages.
3) Maybe not so important, but quite significant thing is character traits, which can be divided in various ways…
- according to BIG 5 classification,
- according to MBTI,
- according to zodiacs even,
- or whatever else
These things are not so fatal because they do not have such a strong influence, some traits of a character can be changed in the long run. Perhaps I rely on the BIG 5 classification the most, it can give insights on why there are so many gaps, because, for example, a person who takes information and opinion formation from his close social circle will seem stupid and superficial to a person who forms his opinion according to carefully selected rational information from various sources accessible to all. And again, that kind of person will appear robotic, cold and uncommunicative to a socially active person. There will be more about the BIG 5 in next entries.
4) Personal qualities such as physical appearance, energy, IQ, EQ, etc. can probably be attributed to this group. What is important to a person in another person, who really likes
- a certain body type,
- who likes self-sufficiency,
- who likes an emotional connection,
- who likes similar food,
- similar activities, inclinations, etc.
There's a theory that we can have a sudden crush on someone who physically resembles our mom/dad/other caregiver in some way. Music styles, movies… clothes, etc., you name it. This group is probably the most common among people when choosing who to spend more intimate time with, and since it is not so conscious, and it is hardly possible to change these characteristics. Additionally such a relationship is often not aimed at longevity, so well... relying only on this group may not be the best choice but it happens anyway, and often new lives are started accidentally and it is what keeps couples together, although it is not the optimal option for anyone in the family.
For now, I think that’s the basics, what ensures that people are hit by that "chemistry" etc. :D and also what ensures the longevity and durability of the connection.
P.s.: when talking about connection, I usually mean a romantic connection, but almost all factors are also suitable for friendship and bonding between colleagues, etc.
Forgive me and I forgive myself for the long pause inn bloging related to various events due to the start of the war in Ukraine. Hopefully, it will end somehow and we will gradually sort out the whole mess, well, or SOMETHING else will happen AGAIN, which probably won't be a surprise to anyone anymore…
Oh, so that it might be clearer to some whether am I completely insane in combining Peterson with LGBT, here's Post Malone also in not quite usual outfit of medieval armor running in circles somewhere about something... Rapunzel?
P.s.: I don't know for sure if courage can go without insanity, at least a little bit of it... salut!
P.p.s.: all my texts are not aimed at some particular group, majority or minority... I simply don't care about orientation, race, body type etc.; if it suits you - great, if not... I wish you luck in finding the right info for you✌️
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.