This is an absolutely unexpected blog's post for me as well. It will be about relationships and music... So. In the beginning, maybe I will share a recently discovered video from the Psych2Go channel, which describes the types of people who are unwilling to work on their polarities, which usually leads to unsuccessful relationships both for them and for those who try to establish it with such a person. Quite a simple idea, but well grouped and very clearly distinguished types, I found at least 4 for myself in me, and, probably, like most of you have noticed, our extremes in behavior are manifested only in more acute situations, when it is necessary to represent our personal boundaries or we encounter them in another person ... So, in my opinion, it is very important to remember that we all have those radicalisms and what they are and then somehow release, let them soften, as soon as you feel that the tension will make you cut everything or pour yourself or your partner, into various underserved knots, criticism, suddenly becoming a victim... or a completely righteous person, etc. Well, without talking too long, here is the video:
That's it... Now, let's move on to relationships and music topic :))) I was influenced to write this article by seeing comments in the LGBT+ friendly group I created... I have written so much about relationship styles, classified them, created memes, and all and I'm still highly interested, still am reading books, writing here again, and there it goes:... suddenly, without anyone asking, a person starts writing insights about attachment types in another person's request for help in the group, the other one suggested one book on this topic too. I had to realize that all my writings are not unnoticed and people are interested, even trying to adapt and communicate with others on these topics. Absolutely amazing :)) And thanks to everyone interested and adopting something for themselves in it. Well, after wiping away all the tears of joy :D .... let's go to ---> MUSIC. I have been related to it since childhood, my uncle (mother's brother) had a tape recorder and even a microphone when I was a child, so music played in our old house a lot :D and we also sang and danced, then after moving in with my parents later, not long after, a cassette tape recorder appeared and music kept pouring in again... both pop and rock, and everything else. I don't know how to play any instrument very well, I sing a little, but listening and living it is somehow necessary for me... just like the body begins to move involuntarily according to a favorite melody if I hear it somewhere. How is it related to relationships and attachment styles? Well, it has been observed that people's chosen melodies and lyrics can reveal their attachment style (can look up here). I will give one song example for each type of attachment here:
Sonny & Sher - I got you, babe. A very clearly positive and mutual song, both singers in the song are satisfied and hopeful about their relationship. There is no feeling of insecurity or distance. Comfort, cooperation, secure attachment.
TLC - No scrubs. Very clearly stated opinions, various preferences, and strong personal boundaries. The other person almost immediately sees that he will need to walk on eggshells constantly, and his wishes might be not necessarily even important, it is only important that he fulfills the given needs of the singer, otherwise, there will be no relationship. Searching for an ideal relationship and not finding it, closing in. A typical avoidant style in a relationship.
Abba - The winner takes it all. The person feels left out, cut off...someone else has won their partner again and broke up with them. Hope is there and you can feel it, you can feel a great longing and attachment and also it's like this loser person isn't able to change anything... everything is in the hands of 'the winner', even though the person is capable to love and wants a relationship very much. Typicalanxious attachment.
Halsey - Sorry. Well, just like in the video clip, it's clear that the relationship is like a war, but the person maybe wants that relationship, because somehow it's sad that the relationship is ending, and maybe not even necessarily wants it too... such confusion, like the disappointment of it FAILING AGAIN. There is such a mood as if it will never change and you will go around in circles where you want a relationship, but it will never work, maybe you will be fine without a relationship, but it will still "happen" to you. Disorganized attachment.
And finally, since I've created it for my own learning through the melodies and lyrics already, I invite you to listen to this secure attachment-style playlist on Spotify too:
The offer of melodies is taken from several articles and lists found on the Internet, I haven't tried to find my own melodies yet, but maybe in time I will get them, if I'll be up to it (I would want more rock or hip-hop, so it might happen, I guess). As for now, there are quite a few songs on the list, so I don't think I'll be bored very quickly.
This is my little gift to music lovers and Ψ-fans.
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Until the next entry!
Sometimes I get an idea from the Unbelievable Facts page on Facebook, and I really hope each time that those facts are real because not everything is checked on time and mistakes happen to everyone. Well, but... about the idea, the thought... The thought was that people's biggest fear turns out not to be the universal fear of death, as it seemed to me... it's the fear of failure; and realistically, it's not too long ago we didn't know how to fly, then quite fast we went to the Moon, now to Mars, and I'm sure those flights will get crazier with time... so if the death is not conquered yet, in my eyes, it's just another failure of humanity. FOR NOW... it's a shame that I won't be still living when it will be defeated like we once conquered the sky and the myth of Daedalus and Icarus became a reality with a happy ending.
OK, now jumping into a side topic: I used to have a hard time just living in the here and now, at this moment, this second....focusing on the life and not on the fatal dangers, that oops something will happen... ooh something will happen and that's it, I'll get sick again ... things will not turn out again, will be rejected and everything will go straight to the abyss again. I was just one of those people whose life went by the side when I concentrated on survival, in other words on those small percentages of reality that in this 21st century means death to an adult. Well, even during the rampage of covid those percentages were not impossible there if you weren't in the risk group and were properly protecting yourself, taking care of your health, etc. Well, what I learned in my first healing process, in coaching, was to live life, not to spin through surviving, which is constant stress... and scanning for dangers around, which leads to all kinds of overthinking and so on. Imagine how much energy you spend when you focus it on that 5% that goes to your worry that you will suddenly get sick, a brick from the roof or a satellite will fall on you, a bandit will come out and so on, there are n scenarios real and unreal, everyone has a few... the car will break down, a pedestrian will jump onto the road, etc etc... everyone will turn away... everyone will hate me, I will have no friends. EVERYONE!! :D Well, you know, what I mean. And yet, how productive does that energy become if you focus it on a 95% certainty that nothing fatal will happen to you every second or every day, that the air smells of flowers, and that the blood pulses in your veins? The quality of life turns upside down, and it becomes unrecognizable... and not because you won the lottery or met the prince/princess of your dreams... it all happens as security grows inside, as we rebuild it in us. Of course, those examples of insecurities were funny, isn't it? But most of us don't even know that we live in tension, very often people don't even think about it, they just don't understand why they don't succeed, why they can't quit smoking... why they don't prosper, why they don't finish university and all kinds of other 'whys'... why why why. This is because it is not safe to live, to be in general, energy is put into calming down to such an extent that other things become less and less attainable. After all, you need to calm down and ease your fears all the time (even if unconscious)...
Back... to Unbelievable Facts :D This fact about fear of failure blew my mind when I realized that I have a post-traumatic belief that I can't succeed at anything in life if I'm male... It's a post-traumatic thing because I'm transgender, and when I was brought up in the society I was accidentally born into, well, such things were taboo.. everything is just a body and that's it, well, deep down in prehistoric times, if people saw that the Sun revolves around the Earth in nature, then that meant the nature's law, right?... There was no knowledge (you can check out some biology facts down bellow of this article), no opportunities, no one listened or paid attention, or even you got bumps for "nonsense" or you were just funny... Well, without going much into it... the point is that only by not being myself, I could survive, and get something necessary like love, affection, attention, tenderness, and friendship with my environment anywhere: at home, at school, in the yard. That's why it's a post-traumatic thing, mentally I realize that I would be successful even if I was a stick or a ferret, but after building all these habits, everything that I learned while growing up, says inside, subconsciously, that I will succeed only by being this way, acting this way, and not otherwise... And again a person naturally puts all his energy into avoiding failure, even if he realizes in his mind that it is best to be who you are, not who you have learned to be, that the more you are yourself, the things will go better and feel better too, and so on. That's it... So then even if in coaching I learned to focus my energy on 95% and not 5% for survival in general; it's after rediscovering myself in terms of gender... it took me another healing connection to get back to that 95% (only this time about success) and not hang around in the poor 5%... which unfortunately is normal for many men and women... Many fear failure in being a man in areas like:
- so as not to be rejected by women (or a man)
- to be able to have enough resources
- to leave behind something valuable, some legacy
- to understand, to grasp what your life mission is
- to be decent, but also relaxed
and so much more concerns so many of us
Just like women are afraid of it... And our energy turns to that 5%... And in reality, everyone knows perfectly well the best ways, the simplest approach... the most acceptable behavior, and the deepest passion for oneself... this is natural for everyone without exclusion. This thing in healing can be also called rewiring. When what was wired for survival (or avoiding failure) can now be unplugged and rewired for thriving (or success). That's when the opinion of others becomes... like an advisor, but by no means a judge. Well, that opinion becomes something that helps to achieve even more... than to warn of all mortal dangers, when they are almost non-existent for an adult. Because you can do anything in adulthood, if you can't do something, you can agree with someone, who can, and you can also get anything, that you don't have, and if you can't get it, you watch others getting it and repeat it, etc. Well, yeah... that's it, that's all on this :)
🏳️ I wish you safety above all... Freedom itself will catch you when you become safer :P and not the other way around. 🏳️
Here you can find information about the biological part of being transgender, which is unheard of for most:
And some links to info in text format:
3) Wikipedia link to various related studies
4) Several links to the PUBMED (United States National Library of Medicine) website:
- A sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality
- A sex difference in the hypothalamic uncinate nucleus: relationship to gender identity
- Male-to-female transsexuals have female neuron numbers in a limbic nucleus
- Regional gray matter variation in male-to-female transsexualism
- White matter microstructure in female to male transsexuals before cross-sex hormonal treatment. A diffusion tensor imaging study
So, about this complex, difficult, and perhaps the most necessary topic, which is perhaps comparable in importance and necessity only to the topic of truth or personal truth... Of course, things that require such seriousness and responsibility just turn on the computer's reluctance to save my writing :D which is why everything suddenly disappeared, so I have to do it again, and this time with the help of Libre. I will hardly be able to repeat some poetry though. Anyway, there are not many things as important as love and above all self-love…. It doesn't matter if you are rich, healthy, old, active, smart, handsome or not... she doesn't choose...color, height, strength, mind...power...it all doesn't matter to her. What matters to her is herself and what matters is your relationship with her... she will never give in to your usual tricks... she will always find a way out, she will never listen to noise, and she will find that voice that speaks the truth and which at the same time can be in compassion and understanding the essence... she will not wander in some fog just to make life and yourself seem safer and more fun, comfortable, she rather will find the real you, the one who sits in the dark corner of your soul, forgotten by everyone even by yourself, abandoned, unrecognized, rejected, and as if invisible… she will brush away the dirt and gossip from you, she will not allow herself to be rejected and scared as much as you are scared yourself…. frightened by the image that people around you painted of you for so long that you just got used to choosing them, only those, who can paint you only in the similar way... She does not care, she will never take it for a truth, will never value it, she knows, she feels, she recognizes, she is in no rush, she doesn't push... she doesn't force, she waits and invites. She reminds you that she is here, next to you… she recognizes your ability to perceive and see the passion for life and for who you really are. Who you are for yourself… never stopped being, even if no one ever let you, you brought it into this life, she preserved it and she commands you to reveal it, unfold it…. Open it up and wear it with as much dignity as anyone else can wear their truth and their best selves…proudly, freely, uncommittedly, and respectfully. What matters to her is that you do it and you can't stop because she wants you to not stop…
She will never back down and she will never betray you… Yes, you will think that you have been betrayed for so long and so hard and relentlessly, all the way and all the time… But she will remind you that it was just part of it all. She will never lie to you that there was no such pain and abandonment. Not being seen, not counting as a person... The compulsion not to exist, the compulsion to learn how to treat yourself by yourself like this too... distortion, erasure... the integration of this kind of behavior towards yourself into a norm... into that moral norm that you still, to this day, consider as the only possible guarantor of security, as the only way to get the resources necessary to sustain life... food, shelter, warmth, hugs. She will not deny the millions of masks you still hold, and the self hiding behind them… just not this, just not me, not like that.. better unhealthy self, soulless, mad, without hope… without a home, without people, but at least alive, still alive.. .even if it is no longer necessary in here and now, this hiding and running.
And if the truth doesn't help, we always have love, that connection with ourselves that develops continuously... when it blooms again, we will find ourselves again in the corner and lift ourselves from there into the light again... into the embrace, at least into our own embrace at the beginning... and so we go as if on the same bored, obnoxious, seemingly unsuccessful paths, which never go in a meaningless circle, but rather in spirals, upwards... And here is the turn, where you already put your hands down and forget about what ignites hope again and again, where you surrender to a purely mechanical effort to reach your dreams, she takes your hand again and through the most absurd, even seemingly stupid discoveries and events, you are again in the energy that binds everything together... although it does not destroy the uniqueness in that fusion... and does not distance you so much that you completely break into loneliness.
Hand in hand with truth…she plays hide and seek with power and success…she plays chess games of life and death…of time turned to ashes and time that shines with jewels…she teasingly tests patience and there isn't anything too sharp or sudden for her. There is no crime possible to hide from her…and no saint is untouchable to her. She can seem like the blackest night of your life… and also she can seem like incredibly thick and sun-filled moments that might melt your mind and perception into metals you didn't know existed… she laughs at your efforts of will… she can crush the balance and harmony you've cultivated for decades… and only thing you can do is just give in.. not against her, but into her, into her flow, into her essence... because if this is your direction, she will clothe you when you need it, she will tear away any cover when it stirs you... and she will do so for yourself or for the one you met as any stranger...
All is one, and one is all…. And there is also, ahem... every day somewhere in between :)) with which I congratulate everyone, for now, as long as we have it here and now. Don't get upset and don't get excited too much, or maybe just do what you want, be whatever you want... she is always around, looking after and accommodating. Like a lover scrolling through playlists, trying to tune in to the waves he feels... and respond to them as if it were his only life's task... well, to respond to those waves by providing what is needed... so that you never run out of resources, even if it's empty space that is needed, cleanliness, and purity… coolness, nothingness, and transparency. She always finds ways, that's why you will always be, are, and were ok, even if it doesn't seem like it or not always.
And a completely chilling track from the film "Undoing"... it's thrilling... how love can lead you to most wrong people there can be and how same love leads you out of such a bond.
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.