Why attempts to win a good partner in dating lottery or try to avoid partnership in general just don't work
OK, so… first entries on this blog about relationships were slightly chaotic or maybe impatient and I can’t promise that won’t happen again, but let’s try to slowly go to more structured ways.
First of all… how do people work on their relationships? That’s a very good question with some complex answer, IMHO:
In 2. method I think you might hit the rock bottom quite fast as in the first method too, especially in case of seriously damaging drugs or maybe overdoing in sports, and if you would stay alive and conscious, you might start to search for OK help, self-help, - that’s the point, where you can change the game.
3. method is good… I don’t mind people staying single, even for the rest of their lives, if they are truly OK with it and matching just doesn’t happen or they become a single parent in adoption (or already raising a kid/s from a previously unsuccessful bond). Until you’re a functioning, quite happy person, anyone benefits. While going this way you may hit and heal some basic main issues you had in relationships just by working with yourself. That part of the work is needed to restore and rebuild a more safe connection with others: in your family, in your workspace, with friends, and with a previously existing partner.
4. method, – excellence doesn’t come easy, ain’t it? But you’re still pushing through even if it’s scary and you’re already learned how to appear fragile with some decent armor if needed, - all is new and unknown, a good state to be in though. Here you learn to be good alone, and good at connecting :) and best luck in building your dynamic social cycle, sir or ma’am, no matter how long it will take you and what sacrifices you may face on this journey. In this method, you obviously will not only work on your personal issues but also on connections with others. Can be various ways to do it: attachments style theory, co/counter-dependency question, might be even studying gender roles and related stuff could help, IFS (Internal Family System as a reflection of inner bonding within personality parts), NVC (Non-Violent Communication to create more effective ways for resolving conflicts), therapy, meditation can help just as many other approaches.
And of course… there are lucky people, who are raised in really healthy and securely bonding families and they are just fine and finding OK people early, creating loving and lasting families before or around their 30 and they are ok with being independent just like interdependent. Thanx for all the possible contributions you bring to all of us. It's known, securely attached folks are ~50% of the population in the West, just as ~50% of marriages don't end up in divorce. Not that it is a direct correlation, but still, let's work on it, yeah? with some hope to become better.
There might be people, who can't let go of healing and going from therapy to therapy or even join some strange self-help groups and activities that obviously won't help. There is a very good and wise middle in this sort of mania of healing too. The less you need help from professionals, the more healthy you are, and really not the other way around, don't get fooled in the opposite way of the usual "I know this all naturally" and bump into the crowd of "I really constantly need help" virtue signaling people. You do know stuff and you're adult enough to go on without professional support when you're ready or to need it in gradually lesser amounts and rarer until it fades out, or in waves. We all have our own unique ways here too. Just listen to this NF rapper, he tells it straight :) or Kylie... confide in yourself and your friends step by step, slowly but steadily and all be fine at the end :) Don't believe it? Bliss n eco will remind you :P Slowly and repeatedly Sew your heart until it would become a habit.
Also, have to mention that the 4 types mentioned before can come as they’re described and also there can be mixtures of those, - not clearly/purely one or the other type.
The most tragic faith in my eyes is, when people decide to stay in relationships "because of the children" or "because it's too late to find better". And then everyone suffers. Also, when people live with their bottle of beer or carer or TV shows... And then suffer alone in silence...
Long-term research about happiness in life presented in TED talk - here.
More songs on the topic in case you're lonely with your problems & quite Radio-head too:
Odd Chap & Little Violet
or put your own tune on healing, therapy, or some sort of insanity in the comments, that would be awesome :)
And in the next entry, I will write more about Attachment Style Theory and how to know your attachment style. Of course, it won't be super scientific but more like filtered through the everyday life lens and arts and all that jazz I usually have in me (I can't work in another way, sorry, if that's not for you, I don't mind).
Here it's a small taster of what's coming, - 4 attachment styles in a rose garden and their most common acronyms:
SA - Secure
DA - Dismissive Avoidant
AA - Anxious
FA - Fearful Avoidant (or Disorganised)
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.