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  • Home
  • Blog
  • Consulting-Emotional Help
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    • Trans stuff
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Path of Self Discovery

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Why attempts to win a good partner in dating lottery or try to avoid partnership in general just don't work

2/12/2021

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OK, so… first entries on this blog about relationships were slightly chaotic or maybe inpatient and I can’t promise that won’t happen again, but let’s try to slowly go to more structured ways.
First of all… how people work on their relationships? That’s a very good question with some complex answer, IMHO:
  1. First and most popular version: try to bond and if you don’t succeed, try to bond over and over again until you will hit such a rough rock bottom that you will be forced to work on your-self or your relationships. Co-dependent type (I'm no one without you or anyone else)
  2. Second and also popular way: try, fail few times, then find a way not to bond (change it with smoking or work) at all or never attach seriously: one night stands, addiction to drugs, including 6 cups of coffee/day, try to find ‘healthier’ addictions to ease the need to connect: workaholism, shopping, sports, money, fame, so on. Yes, people replace their need for fine connections with all possible addictions, very good author, who speaks on this topic - dr Gabor Mate. Counter-dependent type (You're no one without me or anybody else)
  3. Third option, not so popular but possible: realise it’s you, and before any bond again try to heal your own stuff. That can include all sorts of therapy, coaching, self-knowledge work, so on. You start from meeting OK mentor or just OK person to guide you a bit to it. This method is OK one… it shakes lot of rotten believe systems in anyone and at least makes you see yourself in different light.. It teaches you how it’s crucial to be serious about your problems just as lovingly view your own self no matter what. Personally after OK coaching for years (~5 years) I never wanted any relationship and it was sort a clear to me, I’m quite OK alone and that I can’t see people clearly enough to try to find OK one, or if I did find someone quit good, they usually didn’t want to connect more intense, so… I was quite happy single and it wasn’t bad. I highly recommend to try this one, if you know, you have problems or if you see, relationships doesn’t work so well either. It’s way better than psychiatry too, more humane and dealing with real source of the problems not just putting labels (diagnoses) on it and chemistry (meds) on the top to keep it ‘maintained’ – that’s and easy and brutal fix…IMHO. Independent type (I am alone but not lonely and quite happy this way)
  4. Fourth option, also more rare but happens: realise that your relationships can’t happened without you even, if you think you’re quite OK on your own. Realise, you have social needs and they won’t disappear or seek OK person to approve that you really naturally don’t have need for close social bonds (happens as well, although that’s not common). If you have those needs as most of people do, they can be met without you or without another person (not you). If you worked on your own persona and your health already, it’s time to look at your abilities to find a matching people and to build preferred and good connection. Interdependent type (I'm in fulfilling relationships but ok in solitude too)
I think, if you’re up to the 1. method you might get lucky with finding someone, who is safe with themselves and is securely attaching to others and by some reason he/she would be OK to connect with you.. That is like winning a lottery more off, maybe some circumstances would be needed for this bond to happen and/or to last though. And if you’re already mature enough not to play lottery for sustainability… you might be good enough to stop searching for a partner this way too. 
In 2. method I think you might hit the rock bottom quite fast as in first method too, especially in case of seriously damaging drugs or maybe overdoing in sports, and if you would stay alive and conscious, you might start to search for OK help, self-help, - that’s the point, where you can change the game.
3. method is good… I don’t mind people staying single, even for the rest of their lives, if they are truly OK with it and matching just doesn’t happen or they become single parent in adoption (or already raising a kid/s from previously unsuccessful bond). Until you’re a functioning, quite happy person, anyone benefits. While going this way you may hit and heal some basic main issues you had in relationships just by working with yourself. That part of the work is needed to restore and rebuild more safe connection with others: in your family, in your work space, with friends and a previously existing partner.
4. method, – excellence doesn’t come easy, ain’t it? But you’re still pushing though even, if it’s scary and you’re already learned how to appear fragile with some decent armour, if needed, - all is new and unknown, good state to be in though. Here you learn to be good alone, good in connecting :) and best luck in building your dynamic social cycle, sir or ma’am, no matter how long it will take you and what sacrifices you may face on this journey. In this method you obviously will not only work on your personal issues but also on connections with others. Can be various ways to do it: attachments style theory, co/counter-dependency question, might be even studying gender roles and related stuff could help, IFS (Internal Family System as a reflection of inner bonding within personality parts), NVC (Non Violent Communication to create more effective ways for resolving conflicts), therapy, meditation can help just as many other approaches.

And of course… there are lucky people, who are raised in really healthy and securely bonding families and they are just fine and finding OK people early, creating loving and lasting families before or around their 30 and they are ok in being independent just like interdependent. Thanx for all possible contribution you bring to all of us. It's known, securely attached folks are ~50% of population in the West, just as ~50% of marriages don't end up in divorce.. Not that it is direct correlation, still, let's work on it, yeah? with some hope to become better. 
There might be people, who can't let go of healing and going from therapy to therapy or even join some strange self-help groups and activities that obviously won't help. There is very good and wise middle in this some sort a mania of healing too. The less you need help from professionals, the more healthy you are, and really not the other way around, don't get fooled in opposite way of usual "I know this all naturally" and bump into the crowd of "I really constantly need help" virtue signalling people. You do know stuff and you're adult enough to go on without professional support, when you're ready or to need it in gradually lesser amount and more rare until it fades out, or in waves. We all have our own unique ways in here too. Just listen to this NF rapper, he tells it straight :) or Kylie... confide in your-self and your friends step by step, slowly but steady and all be fine at the end :) Don't believe it? Bliss n eco will remind you :P  Slowly and repeatedly Sew your heart until it would become a habit.
Also have to mention that 4 types mentioned before can come as they’re described and also there can be mixtures of those, - not clearly/purely one or the other type..
Most tragic faith in my eyes is, when people decide to stay in relationships "because of the children" or "because it's too late to find better". And then everyone suffers. Also, when people live with their bottle of beer or carer or TV shows... And then suffer alone in silence...
Long term research about happiness in life presented in TED talk - here.
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​More songs on the topic in case you're lonely with your problems & quite Radio-head too:
Gnarls Barkley

Seal
Halsey 
Avalanches
P!nk
Aerosmith
Patsy Cline
Odd Chap & Little Violet
Cypress Hill
Jamiroquai
or put your own tune on healing, therapy or some sort a insanity in comments, would be awesome :) 

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And in next entry I will write more about Attachment Style Theory and how to know your attachment style. Of course, it won't be super scientific but more like filtered through the everyday life lens and arts and all that jazz I usually have in me (I can't work in another way, sorry, if that's not for you, I don't mind). 
Here it's a small taster of what's coming, - 4 attachment styles in a rose garden and their most common acronyms: 
SA - Secure
DA - Dismissive Avoidant
AA - Anxious 
FA - Fearful Avoidant (or Disorganised)
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    ​Author - Laurynas Sadzevicius

    This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.

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