Why did I call the subject I'm going to write about "THAT journey"? Because many people want to hear and/or read about this, get to know it, and so on. And why I haven't written so much about it and I haven't really decided whether I will write, although the story is not that simple, I am not exactly sure. Maybe because there is plenty of these already?
Do I want to write, yes I do. Do I want to write from a place where I still struggle to feel good about my past and therefore have trouble integrating it into my life... I don't think I really want it :)) but I think it's a really worthwhile challenge and your bad feelings are not necessarily an obstacle to authentic self-expression, and people will never embrace fake positivity as much as authenticity, because we naturally tend to be and express ourselves as we are. After all, that's the only way we feel free and safe, growing and blooming, and so on.
Well, in one word, this post or article should come out as an ode to the journey towards yourself, healing, authenticity, searching for ways to this goal, etc. I don't know exactly what to write down so precisely... I have even been diagnosed with several of those hard-to-pronounce names that are part of the so-called cluster A personality disorders, and at least a couple of first of those that I got is not officially possible to heal from, and the last diagnosis has significantly more recoveries than relapses statistically... Again, officially such things cannot happen, a person should regress if they have incurable diagnoses or simply live a manageable life with a mountain of medication every day, which I have not taken for at least several years (about 7), and before that, I have taken them quite sporadically as well. I'm not saying that I'm cured, that's what the mental specialists who work with me (at least two or more) say. I don't know if I've recovered and that's not even the most important thing in the finale, I need to show what working with the right specialists and/or working with yourself can do and digging out your authentic "self" and trying to be him/her as much as possible. And yes, I say this as a person who spent the first 12 years of his life in the Soviet Union, where there were simply no lesbians, and gays were put in prisons, not to mention some kind of ufo - transgenders.
I also really liked the comparison of these two diagrams (below) and the rise of the visibility and activity of some groups to positively and effectively integrate it into society, and not to deny its existence, well, it is not without the end, that rise. At some point, that growth curve will flatten out as it did with the left-handed group in the US. It won't necessarily happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. As we can see, among people born in the 1920s - 1950s, an awful lot more left-handed people "appeared" than among people born earlier. This strongly echoes the rather blunt opinion of people that LGBT people are "increasing" in numbers as if there were not so many of them all the time... Well, they were simply not seen, they did not have a voice, although they were certainly never less. And here, among people born later than the 1950s, the number of left-handed people did not change much and remained much higher than at the beginning of the 20th century. The LGBT population in America (and elsewhere) is still growing in numbers, and it's causing a lot of confusion for a lot of people in different ways. I don't think that this growth is eternal and you can laugh a little at those who spread almost panic on this topic and other nonsense.
And finally, because I laughed a lot at Ben Shapiro (if you don't know him, that's ok) on his outrage at Kanye West's generalized anti-Semitic remarks... :D I then remembered the following song:
Oh, by the way, the "narcissism" of transgender people is just a coping mechanism after trauma. It's just that when you're not visible for most of your life to no one while growing up and going through certain stages of understanding your gender/sex completely alone, later, when healing, all this just opens up quite painfully for a while... And also, in general, a lot of things in the medical healing part are simply very related to physicality, that's why we show it... it's quite clear and simple. Well, if a person got rid of enormous excess weight and shows body changes, the results of skin removal surgeries, a lot of nudity, etc., it inspires people, not destroys them :D it's just that... in reality, everyone only sees what they want to see. Good luck
About leadership, because sometimes I'm not sure what it is and why people keep missing it... At least they think it's missing on the outside. In most cases, it is probably still an expression of the inner state of someone.
It's really difficult for me to write about leadership so far because I haven't really come across good courses or good books about it, and relying only on self-concept and intuition is not good. I mean, it's quite bad, if even that is not available to a person, even if he is settled in some specific field (in this case - on the topic of leadership), but without an internal beacon and an engine, you won't get very far... Although it's impossible to predict in advance, I think, judging from my personal experience, no studying and theories can't play out if it's not your boat and you're sailing into the wrong sea. Here's what I've been able to find out so far:
- Perhaps leadership is determined by experience, what were the examples in the family and its history? Were parents/guardians inclined towards leadership in professional life and in general? Were there people in the family history who led not only family life but also were leaders, innovators, and maybe even luminaries of a certain community, village, or town?
- You can recognize it from your behavior in childhood if you were seen in the play yard as someone who brings people together, someone who can fix a more difficult situation, and can fight with people who threaten or mistreat children in the group. Well, in my time :D it was our play-yard kids that were playing in it all the time, now I have no idea what 'play-yard' group can appear? Maybe online computer game teams or so, because you're not the only one playing the game there. It's about someone, who in one way or another initiates or instigates more massive events, such as some massive backyard Robin Hood game or massive movie screenings together. Who appears to be a people gathering center.
- About expressions of leadership. From what I've noticed, some people express their leadership very clearly and they don't cover it up or polish it too much. well, that kind of raw and natural expression. And some people are possibly (I guess again from experience) burned by leadership and not trusting the masses that surround them in that naive manner... well, those who have an awareness that their public face/image/reputation is far from their real self and that these things maybe even should be different, because what is private is fragile and precious enough, and when a public persona is formed externally, it often changes according to the events in the emerging community or organization.
So that public self-image, changes... it has to meet innovations, it has to take into account many people, it has to gather a circle of assistants, advisers and hundreds more of those "have to".. Besides, trusting your life with that public "Self" is such a slippery thing. .. well, you will never have the same real, authentic connection with the masses as with your loved one, friend, or colleague; it is physically impossible to spend as much time together, to share as much attention with a mass of people as it is between two, or let's say, three or a few more people. I'm not sure, but as far as I've had experience, if I had to throw away my reputation or friends, I'd throw away my reputation, because even then my friends remain. And the ways that public "Self" is formed, oof... well, everything happens with it :D because a lot of people can lift you to the sky and can drop you down to ?? well, into a very low and very dark place too. Maybe to become a good leader you need to fail in leadership at least once, to be trampled by people in your group, maybe that's why I'm so grateful for such an experience, it impossibly and indelibly strengthened what my therapist calls having a backbone, an axis, a center for yourself.
- Leadership is probably characterized by the ability to get up and the ability to continue, even if everyone seems like suddenly scattered spiders, waiting for some kind of mana from some magical lands, and if you don't get it, then nothing will happen :D And if you don't get up yourself again and again, no one will care much. Well, in one word, to have that drive that leads you and that is much stronger than you can imagine. This talk is probably about the mission in life, and here it is not even clear whether we choose it or it chooses us :) It is also not worth overestimating your efforts, because even if we want very much to reject that mission of ours or want very much to skate with it at the speed of light, nothing will work, because it will work out as it should, and our destructive or ignorant efforts towards our mission will only destroy our well-being. Trust the process :))
- As I mentioned, I haven't found much or stumbled upon good and practical material in this field so far, but I am sure that it is probably necessary and will appear on time. Below I will share a few sources that I use for now and I promise to continue to find the path of leadership that is most acceptable to me and best fits with the people gathered around me. So, - theoretical knowledge, learning.
- One more nuance... I think that it also determines who is more ideological in the family - not so much a directly expressed leader, and who is obvious, an openly clear one. Because if it is, for example, the father, who's obvious, clear leader, and the child is a boy, he will probably also be a more clear leader in his life; well, if the child is a girl, then she will somewhat more take over the role of the mother's ideological leadership in such a family. I started this article about those "not clearly" expressed leaders... I think that people often just don't accept their more expressed ideological leader in themselves, so they beat others or themselves over it, and otherwise, both expressions are equally respected and valuable. Whatever you are inside, it's good to support and empower yourself as a leader.
In conclusion, what I can say is probably that if you are a good enough leader for yourself, both the obvious, clear one and the more ideological, guiding one... outside people will notice it in the same way. If you can get yourself out of hell if you can keep your ideals even when the devil knows what's going on around you... Then everything is fine with you :) and you are safe for yourself and others around you <3
I've also been looking into these projects, although I haven't participated in any of them yet
- Flow Genom Project I generally like everything related to the state of FLOW.
- GeniusU project is based on the fact that everyone has a different type of intelligence and it is by distinguishing and strengthening it and choosing the right strategies that it enables you to make a serious breakthrough in life.
Healing one's traumas, managing the suppression or fragmentation of one's inner leader, developing emotional intelligence, instilling discipline, etc. are also very helpful strategies.
and by the way...the Arcane movie series is perfect...absolutely
Well, the fourth one remains from all the four factors from the block for relationships that I created:
Mmm... This is perhaps the most unconscious and least changeable group... IQ can also be assigned here, which is quite easy to measure and it hardly changes, and if it changes, it only decreases with age or when you find yourself in an environment that requires a lower IQ... You can assign EQ here too, and without it, IQ is like a good broom (or an ax) without a handle, although you can't measure the EQ, it can be improved to infinity. This factor can also include things of taste, height, musculature... eye color, accent, gait, and a whole bunch of other things. Of course, it should be mentioned here that there are many types of intelligence and you can test yourself and get to know what type you have as well :)
I think this group is basically something that either causes the so-called "chemistry" between people and you feel an attraction to someone, not necessarily only physical, there are different types, well, or you don't feel it... If you don't feel it, you don't really have the desire and motivation somehow to get involved much. I probably support the theory that people often get "hooked" on some similar traits that their guardians/parents have in others, and it doesn't really matter if those traits are very healthy and acceptable in general, here is a separate topic, but it might determine the attraction. It can be built, tone of voice, mannerisms, the energy of a person, etc. Maybe this is where the idea and feeling of "love at first sight" came from. Personally, I have never felt it so suddenly, but there were definitely cases where ~a week was enough, and everything was not necessarily perfect.. just even what was annoying in the person I met, apparently reminded me of something, so my interest only grew, even if I frowned a little :D or went into minor tension with colleagues at work at the same time due to some kind of tension growing in the body or something like that.
What people usually pay attention to a part of the body, is probably how reliable, safe - self-sustained, how well they can communicate, whether they look neat or feel self-confident, are easy to deal with, whether they get along with the environment, have adequacy, self-control, humor. Later, you can already notice what they like, how energetic they are, what their taste in music is, if it is important, what they do in life, and so on. Most people do these things involuntarily when they get to know each other - observe, evaluate, initiate, and participate; maybe everyone is a little different... Depending on what is important to whom.
I would suggest here to make a very simple wish, preference list, a landmark so that you can orient yourself as much as possible, and not just go headless into all and regret it later. Also, make a list of your boundaries, deal breakers: what you wouldn't bare and what boundaries if crossed will most likely push you away from the person. Exchange these lists (ideally if both sides made their lists) so that the other person knows how to navigate when they are with you. It's like a traffic light for relationships 🚦🚦🚦
I would like people to understand that all the work put into relationships is not here to make them almost impossible - relationships themselves, because no one will really do that much, and if they do work on them, it's probably on their own terms and ways. It's really worth trying to build a relationship, no matter how blindly because that's the only way to learn it in general, but what I don't want and I'd really like to discourage is creating families "for the sake of children" that "accidentally" appeared while trying to establish a relationship.. well, because undressing is the simplest task in bonding... this is not the same as to read some articles when all you have to do is get some buzz and tell a good joke. Families like this are dysfunctional and toxic, from which traumatized people grow up and create the future of all of us... For such a couple is difficult to manage to get to know each other and they can hardly understand each other so fast, then later they usually don't even like each other, well, or just get used to not liking each other while staying in a bond or break up... The number of single parents with children is like a major pandemic in the world... and children in these families have to endure all "the relationship", even though no one asked them if it was acceptable to them, it's just that their parents were not ready for neither the relationship nor the children, so a lot of the burden is put on the children, who neither can nor should bear that burden. Well, at least let's use protective measures if the beginning of relationship attempts is quite crazy and overwhelming.
Well, I very seriously suggest making a list of values and goals, because more often than not, these are the determining factors that make you get along with someone or not. For now, personally, my "incredible success" looks like this: there is chemistry, there are even character similarities or suitability, and there was even compatibility of values (it's absolutely unbelievable that a person had a very enriched understanding of this for herself!), but people don't have written their goals for themselves... and then, while already in a relationship, they discover it and it turns out that we can't fit our preferred goals or it's quite tricky to try it :D anyway... to be honest, maybe this can be just a natural conclusion in the finale, because something, some qualities that are conflicting with yours already appear in the process, so then the creation of that list of goals illustrates it more than reveals it - the incompatibility. Let's not waste each other's time and other resources, it leaves a very bad impression and bitterness for a long time, which can definitely be avoided.
So... Now that we have already discussed the consciously chosen or willingly created factors that can determine the success of any connection with another person, we can now move on to not-so-conscious and perhaps not-so-significant factors. They mostly try to describe specific character traits and features. These classifications can be based on immutable things, for example, zodiacs are based on the date of birth, well, or some things that can be changed, because the MTBI classification or even the results of the Big Five test can change during a person's life, as he works on some of his character traits.
The MBTI type indicator is created according to K.G. Jung's "Psychological types" classification. This classification doesn't have a very solid scientific basis, so I don't really know if it's worth studying this system thoroughly, but nevertheless, the tests are interesting, the descriptions of each type are too; there are pages, groups, and even dating apps that either rely solely on the MBTI or make it a significant part of them. From my experience, I can only say that without trying to change my behavior and understanding, my MBTI always had one result - INTJ... But after starting the self-knowledge work, my MBTI type started to change, and now I have no idea, if can I rely on any type in this classification... maybe the hardest part was to "break" the trait of introversion, but quite often I also get the letter of an extrovert now, so somehow I don't pay much attention anymore.
Actually, according to K.G. Jung himself, personality typology has 2 elements:
- namely extroversion and introversion and
- sensations, thinking, feeling, and intuition
It is from this classification that the Myers-Briggs personality test and the 16 personality types were created. According to the Swiss psychologist himself, it is best to simply improve your less expressed tendencies, for example, it is best for an introvert to improve his more extroverted side, or, say for an intuitive person - body sensations, etc.
The test is here. (free of charge)
The Big Five - a topic I'm less familiar with, but maybe even because of that it's more interesting... In addition, at least at the moment, many in psychology recognize this classification as sufficient to determine the personality type, although it already shifts towards 6 personality traits instead of 5 - "[...]it has been suggested that the Big Five system should be replaced by HEXACO, or revised to better align with lexical evidence.." (from Wikipedia). What personality traits are included in the Big Five:
O openness to experience
To get along well with a person in a relationship, it is best not to have a very big gap from each other in all 5 characteristics, except for neuroticism, the less neuroticism both have, the more stable the relationship is. And, well, this indicates the need to try to work on it, if there is a lot of neuroticism, and, yes, it is possible to change it- each trait. For more info on OCEAN traits, see the video bellow
The test is here. (free of charge)
This group of factors influencing relationships can also include love/apology languages.
And in the finale, perhaps it should be said that any, even the most unpopular and irrational classification and contemplation on it is useful simply because during the process you keep thinking about the compatibility, qualities, and character of the two of you and in this way, you get to know yourself and the other person better; it is enriching in any case... And I mention once again that the characteristics of the Big Five can be polished and new behavioral habits can be trained even with a higher neuroticism trait, which is probably the most difficult. It is even advisable to develop balance in all 5 traits. Good luck :)
And I invite you to support everything in a row: Ukraine - definitely, LGBT people's rights actions - yes, animals and everything, and this page, and each other, and your home building without proper support structure would be just a mess. SUPPORT :))
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.