Why people can fear to admit, they're transgender. Long- and short-term prospects. (III part)
What obstacles could be there for a transgender person to admit that he/she is transgender?
2) The second obstacle: immature society. Despite the fact that there are more and more stories and research on the case, people still see transgenders as, well …, as delusional people. I experienced that so many time by now: this idea that I am transgender man just because I want to get men's "privileges" - very popular thought of feminists. After tremendous achievements of feminism, when you can see more injustice remained towards men in Western culture rather than towards women, I want to have the "privilege" … Privileges such as - work like insane, like a horse, to ensure my family's welfare or simply because to remain to be attractive for potential romantic/sexual partners, or a privilege to remain strong, even, if I would have someone trimming a stone on to my head, otherwise I wouldn't be called a man. To die early because of increasingly inadequate financial and strength status, you just can't reach ok status ever also because plowing up to deadly tiredness. In case of divorce, I would be paying for the livelihood of my ex-wife and children .. well, stunning privileges. Not to mention: being unable to complain, if you are experiencing violence from women at home, would it be the mother, partner or someone else. But let me go back to the topic, the same feminists answer to the question “why there are transgender women as well then?” that this is because those people like feminine things ... Why transgender men exist because they want men's "privileges" and not because they like manly things? Because manly things do not exist, those things are universal? And transgender women do not want women's "privileges", because there are no such privileges? Such as the same alimony after divorce, role of an eternal victim or voice of a justice formed by feminism it-self. Which means that the greater part of the responsibility goes on to men and they themselves are to blame, which means that they can't speak up, because they do not understand equality between the sexes, because they are not the voice of justice, etc. - closed circle. Well, no women's privileges anywhere... And even when viewed from the feminist position, are trans women so well devoid of seriousness that they choose transsexualism simply because they like feminine things.
But again, back to topic. These examples show how much misunderstanding about sexuality there is among people: people can't accept that the gender is determined by further formation of the embryo, and despite that most of the existing research seem to agree on this, popular opinion still roams the air, that this health condition is learn but not brought with a birth. That something happened very early in your life, what prompted you to refuse your real self and take the opposite option, of who you are. And then as the result ... you have set of a crowd that wants to facilitate your suffering and to bring you back to the truth :))) without any possibly reachable realisation they just jumped into the same, life long aching wound and they wave their hands in demanding recognition of their good will, if you push them away... I understand that someone, who isn't educated enough on the case, can't see, how and what was happening through your life and such a person could be in a rush to help you instead of trying to understand. Faithful people often want to save non-believers ... Sworn democrats often are trying to show that even anarchists are conservative and so on. However .... I guess, best way is to admit that sometimes you just have to either withdraw your-self from the similar discussion or to withstand it, depending on priorities. Of course, it's pity that science still has no real answer/s, how is it with human sexuality and what are best ways to deal with it. Still, I would like to briefly mention the toilets, bullying, documents and other aspects, as well as the so-called misgendering.
Maybe I'll take misgendering at the start, since it causes very painful psychological reaction. In general it seems that nothing serious happens: you are walking down the street, you come to the store, the seller doesn't use pronouns fitting to your natural and finally discovered gender while addressing to you. It seems that it wouldn't matter, how wrong the person is calling you in one or another way, you still know who you are, and it shouldn't really work in such a way. I don't know, how to explain it better, why it is so painful. I think there probably few things in it:
1) It activates dysphoria, because you realise that your body is deceiving others. (About dysphoria - in the next text)
2) It triggers trauma (provokes memories of the incorrect and unfair behaviour with you in the past – your trauma). Unconsciously you can go back to the memories, and although the specific person who stands before you hasn't done nothing wrong to you in the past, you can project parents, children you played with, teachers and other people, who traumatised you on him/her. After realizing this thing, it may become easier to remain conscious and therefore calm while experiencing misgendering. Personally, I have tried a variety of tactics to work on pain caused by misgendering, however, it seems without any significant results so far. Every time I felt pain and after longer time - desire to disappear and go back home. However it is not fatal, and therefore possible to endure as well.
Toilets: when you are not guaranteed about, how you will be perceived, and while misgendering openly says that you can't be perceived for your gender so very well, it's hard to remain calm and not constantly scanning the environment. Anyhow, when choosing your gender mirroring toilet, it feels better. Well, of course not without efforts to appear properly, even, if not completely accurate at the start.
Verbal abuse: I know from experience that, if you are in an environment where you experience it really intense, patience and remaining to be your true-self even with some compromises, eventually brings good results. People regarding their own peace and comfort want to have nice relations with everyone, and if they understand how to have that, they will try to use this knowledge, at least when they are near you.
Documents: well, some countries do it in normal way - changes gender mark in documents only after the diagnosis, some require a partial or complete transition. I think it's not a big news. It is worth mentioning that this division into two categories by sex according to the body/face/voice's characteristics is not very convenient. It would be more convenient that addressing to people could be more neutral or person would be asked about their identification before addressing or after noting not very joyful reaction. As well as it is decent to ask about person's allergies, diabetes, left-handedness, so on. This may not cause swelling of the body, but it causes panic and insecurity and rougher behaviour with people around you afterwards.
I would like to mention a wide range of human sexuality in terms of identification as well: lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, all kinds of-sexual and transgender, inter-sexual, fluid-gender, non-binary, and all sorts of gender variation. In my eyes attraction to one or another gender is determined by you being a person of the opposite gender your-self, I believe that attraction for both genders is determined of you being a person with sort a both genders equally, like being inter-gender person., depending on how their brain works. All my texts are just my personal opinion based on personal experience, self-knowledge, discussions with others and information I found in various sources. I'm not a scientist, so I can not present his knowledge as objective truth. As I am mentioning in the following text, in my opinion all of us are not homogeneous in our mind, so I would say it is question of percentage. Intersexualism can't be denied as well. Most often I take left-handedness' analogy for comparison with gender-mind balance: there are people who are better with their left hand, there are people, who are better with their left eye but also with their right hand, so on, depending on how their brain works. This is the same with a gender, in my opinion, everyone has spectrum of the both: woman and man, and how much of each you have is up to your-self to know; perhaps later on there will be ways for discovering, how to explore and measure it in more sufficient details. Of course it is much more easier to understand and measure the body's sex. It is up to each and any person him-self/her-self, how they identifies them-selves, how they treat their body and what gender/sex people they prefer as romantic/sexual partners.
Why people can fear to admit, they're transgender. Long- and short-term prospects. (I part)
The sense of healing is either in resisting and/or exciting ways to afford to find the most comfortable decisions in your life. I write about the healing process in general and in detail in many other texts. But if we talk about the picked topic, sense of a healing - finding the most convenient solutions for life, it may seem strange, when I say this while being transgender. How convenient it can be to accept an understanding that you - trans? From a short-term perspective, it is absolutely inconvenient: you lose your usual identity, and must resist older deep-rooted beliefs and self-protection mechanisms additionally some phenomenon is brought to the surface - some kind of interpersonal war in medicine called "dysphoria"; also it is completely inconvenient caused by understanding, how you were traumatized simply because of ignorance and violence of the surroundings. This is a painful experience and it's really not convenient. Often while being transgender, we hear from people: is it not easier just to be lesbian/gay? And well, it is just as easier as not brushing your teeth daily: saves time and money, and energy. Easier. So, where is that comfort I mention, if you accept yourself? It's in the long run:
You choose to be who you are the most. Just as it is convenient to be an artist if you have a stronger innate/acquired creative ability. Even, if at the same time you have a tendency to, say, solve logical jigsaw puzzles when you find them appealing to you. The point is, that creativity in your work is determining more than half of your tasks: you are looking for new solutions, quite quickly finding them, then you trace that the issue was already found by other people, you analyze their solutions and their underlying concepts and you can vary and look for alternatives even here. Also, you can not sit still though even a week without playing, sculpturing, drawing, dancing, and so on. And you like logic puzzles as well but only, when they are made in certain specificity, you can safely leave them unresolved for a longer period, can pick up another jigsaw puzzle, while left not finished first one, in one word: you are not so much concerned about it, and it requires greater effort and longer time, certain mood and work conditions to become productive. So ... Of course, it can happen, that you will take a logic-demanding job, but it does not mean that creativity features will turn weaker than the ability for logical judgment. In the long run, you may regret missed opportunities to work with your strongest feature. Reasons to refuse to reveal our strongest sides can be different: it might have been more convenient to pick up a logical job simply by chance or due to the fear that you will have to reveal your real strength, so you choose an option, which had less capacity and so on. Eventually, after all, you will have disappointment that feels like partial fulfillment.
So why is not easier and more convenient to be lesbian/gay, but to recognize that you are transgender and continue to go this way? Because ... in the long run you will be disappointed with your-own life on this issue, consciously or subconsciously. It may be that you will be effectively accepted by others, you will have intense sex life and relationships, you will have an excellent romantic partner or you will be accepted publicly, climbing up your career ladder, but you would feel frustrated and know that something is wrong ... Maybe this will occur as so-called depression, maybe as some other psychological/physical illness or addictions, or disabilities to be able to achieve your desired career, maybe loneliness, perhaps poverty - endless set of options. People who can not unbutton their too-tight jackets and get rid of them, often involuntarily take more and more stringent forms of self-repression, so that the far too-small jacket would still seem as fit. And it seems, why would it be necessary for someone to torture themselves so much? In my eyes, several obstacles affect a person's inability to reach the turn/shift in their minds. (Will be continuing in the next text.)
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