It is often said about relationships:
- the worst is to be alone and in bad relationships with yourself, it might be fatal...
- the less evil is to be in a bad relationship with someone. it's a hard time and place to be.
- good to be alone and in a good relationship with yourself though. That is actually a cool loner place :) and plenty of good times with some waves of strong longing for someone.
- and the best is a good union with someone... That's where we all long to appear, some of us are lucky enough to be there already :) deep, sincere, simple, and safe time and place.
So... how to appear on the number one stand and does it come easy? I just name all of the stages of the relational journey we all have to go through first of all (source):
I think this image illustrates it accurately (source)⬇️
Some people can't even enter the Power struggle stage fully, not to mention successfully going through it. It's where our masks and fancy dress-up fall off, it's where we after being convinced of mutual love/like start to be more open and show our less attractive or healthy side... It's the stage, where you might have thoughts like:
"I was betrayed", lied to", "I never signed up for this", "This is a completely different person than the one that I met", "I was duped, bamboozled", "What a mess, unacceptable", "It's not meant for me".
Ooor or it can be thoughts similar to:
"Oh god, it's visible who I really am now, I will melt down and just disappear, silently", "Oh no, no one can realize that about me, I just will find someone else quickly not to experience this shame and pain", "This isn't me and this isn't love, I need another one", "No one will love and like me now... I was better off alone, what was I thinking, I'm not good enough", "I'm so flawed, almost defected, broken... Jesus... I need so much more time to prepare for this, I can't do this, I give up", "It can't be happening to me AGAIN, I'm leaving this so it will not get into the ugly as before", "NEVER AGAIN, what on earth I can't understand in these 2 words: never again... now I have to face this, I just... I won't".
You know these? If you're still a bachelor or simply can't decide after 20+ attempts, I am sure, you know some of these thoughts. Yes, there are polyamorous or asexual people, sure, but the rest of us... So many struggle to appear as their real selves and accept the real selves of their loved ones too. We can't stop pleasing or being pleased.
There are a few important mentions for those who are willing to take a chance and do it right though.
- Stay open and try to hear and accept the needs and boundaries of your loved one. It might take a while, just keep going, that is enough.
- Stay sincere and state your needs and boundaries
- Never silence you or a loved one, that will 100% lead to disaster
- Learn about your needs and boundaries if you need to and stay loyal to them.
- If you feel/sense your needs/boundaries:
- If you see/know your expression of needs/boundaries isn't healthy, for example:
And that's it, mainly.
The image below can illustrate/remind you how to manage your focus during the power struggle stage:
And for a final encouraging word:
I hope you enjoyed this piece of info and will get on your own path to good relational health
You can find out more about attachments in my blog beginning here
Everybody knows that the higher income you get, the happier and more satisfied you feel but maybe not everyone knows that this stops happening after reaching a particular income. That is why I decided to write about this, might be useful to know that it's not true that only endless money makes people feel good, and that there are more nuances to that.
The initial study on this topic was conducted by Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton in 2010, both authors are Nobel prize winners, and you can find this study here. This study shows that there is a particular sum after which people don't get an emotional boost, in other words - after a particular sum emotions start to flatten. Researchers found that after $75,000 on average in the US (– roughly £50,000 then, in 2010) people don't feel more satisfaction/less negative emotions There is an assumption that emotions settle because after reaching a certain level of comfort, any excess no longer gives the same satisfaction, and the overall responsibility for managing money remains the same or even increases.
This sum limit is different for each country and city, in more advanced countries and cities it's higher, and in less advanced lower. And yes, apparently a majority of people name similar sums in the same country aaaand the same city. Here are some examples of some countries statistically:
I took this source because of the more realistic sums portrayed in it. There are other figurative, visual articles as well, for example - the Daily Mail one.
Another important factor to name about finances and satisfaction is from Ramit Sethi - an American writer and self-proclaimed personal finance adviser. He is the author of several books, shows (on Netflix too), and so on.
The main key in his teachings is not to be fearful of the financial systems that we have but rather to know them and use them for our benefit and our older days. And more than only that... He has an incredibly useful insight that every person is different and everyone needs another kind of "rich life" style. It's a simple idea:
- John wants to travel and can't see the benefits of owning property, so his rich life is spending everything he can on journeys and cutting off everything possible on the property. He will maybe visit even most rich countries but he will never buy a flat or even a room.
- Magda wants to create charities and feel rich by giving back to the community and she doesn't see value in clothing, fashion, and similar things. So she will create the most demanding charity project from time to time but might wear the same dress to represent her projects for 3 years in a row. It's because she sees her as rich in this and no other way EVER.
Well, you got the idea, I think. It is about knowing yourself and letting yourself have anything you want the most and not being bothered by any norms to care about something you just don't value and see more as an obstacle.
So, the main points I wanted to convey are:
1) Money gives satisfaction only up to a certain level of income.
2) It is useful to know your "Rich Life" style and stick to it.
This time I write about defense mechanisms they are plenty and could be called quite milder names for example: artistic and creative problem-solving.
Usually, it's about people (all people), who just happen to not want to appear in the same situations that have caused them lots of distress and emotional discomfort. People say it gave me "bad feelings", "I felt bad" because of it so on, not that it had to be bad in general but...that's a different topic. So defense mechanisms are ways to somehow avoid and go around these problematic situations so as not to appear in a similar mental/emotional state again.
People often have multiple defense mechanisms and they use them in some combinations. One example of a classification of such mechanisms can be this witchy-looking enneagram (not a pentagram :D You're safe, promise)
So let's extrapolate a little about each and every one of these:
1. REACTION FORMATION – feeling one thing and expressing the opposite.
2. REPRESSION - suppressing “unacceptable” feelings and converting them into a more acceptable form of emotional energy
3. IDENTIFICATION - taking on a role so completely that we lose contact with who we are inside.
4. INTROJECTION - unconsciously incorporating the characteristics of a person or object into one’s own psyche.
5. ISOLATION - can be physical withdrawal from others, but also means staying in the head and withdrawing from one’s emotions.
6. PROJECTION - attributing inner concerns and fears to others and external situations.
7. RATIONALIZATION - staying in the head, explaining away or justifying feelings and behaviours to avoid pain or accepting responsibility.
8. DENIAL - the forceful re-directing of attention and feeling based on willfulness and control.
9. NARCOTIZATION - using food, drink, entertainment or repetitive patterns of thinking and doing to “put oneself to sleep”.
P.S.: This exact classification is based on Nine Enneagram Personality Types and each type tends to use one most default, primary defence mechanism (source - here). Let's leave this personality type classification for future blog entries.
More about nine enneagram personality types - here with a free test, if anyone fancy. This theory was developed out of Big Five personality traits (more in this blog entry)
And a few words about classical, academic input of defence mechanisms:
Several people developed different theories and classifications, the first of them was Anna Freud, daughter of Sigmund Freud, they both studied these mechanisms. Other people to mention: Otto F. Kernberg, George Eman Vaillant, and Robert Plutchik.
Defence mechanisms were also grouped into some categories by several authors, I personally like George Eman Vaillant's four-level classification:
Let's get all artistic, shall we, and in a mature way preferably :) 🎨
Ok.. Without much hesitation let's go to the list of personal boundaries, ie. those things that should not be done or I shouldn't be provoked to do:
Ok... I think that's it for now. Long entry, but at least clear and detailed. I hope it will help someone to understand what you would like for yourself and what you really can't allow in the circle of your loved and closest ones... Building a kind of beacon ⛯ for those who aren't indifferent about people who are close to them and to whom they would like to be close to themselves.
- The mentioned genders/sexes vary in this entry mostly because of our brain/bodies being eternally just as complicated as the universe itself and you usually can't address the person as one solid piece of the one and only one thing. You can read more on this here or here, etc. ☯️☯️☯️
- You can look up my previous attempt to set personal boundaries in this entry - here.
- If you tried to connect with me and accidentally calculated your answers to what I wrote here and got more than 50% (or didn't understand most of my entry), be a good pal and just direct your attempts for friendship towards someone more suitable.
Best day wishes to anyone !!! 💐
This post will probably be repetitive and only with a simple change that happened over time due to experience, or maybe not necessarily so, but let's see what we'll get before judging.
I want to write in my preferences (and personal boundaries in the next post) for a purely friendly relationship, and I mean not necessarily romantic, as I almost always did before. Maybe I wasn't conscious, maybe I was still succumbing to the initial chemistry there and the desire for heat, etc. Now I want some kind of calmer approach, to start calmly and not suddenly, although that suddenness doesn't seem to be a huge obstacle, but, well, it's often not very sober, super stormy, and the brain tries its best to somehow catch up, but still unsuccessfully, and when it gets to me finally, then even the heart is already convinced that "all of this is pure nonsense" :D and that's it... Or maybe the brain isn't so much late, but in the beginning, the voice of the mind is specifically silenced for sure... And so be it, but again it's good to have some landmarks for orientation. Cold, calm, controlled, peaceful guidance.
A person knows their areas of interest, and their goals in life and/or has come to terms with life's meaninglessness and feels comfortable because of it (well, this is the dilemma of free will, how much of everything is determined and how much is created by us). I want to know if our ways won't clash, so, please, don't confuse us both unnecessarily. +15%
A person understands their preferences, boundaries, and desired/current lifestyle in a relationship (just for a simple compatibility check). For both genders: how much physical closeness is needed, how much communication is needed, whether it is possible to adapt to our differences, and whether sameness does not interfere. For women: Do you want a family or do other important goals conflict? +15%
A person knows their most important values and wants to know you. :) +15%
Knows or wants to know their attachment style and work on it if necessary (this is important for any relationship). Understand that the well-being of both people in a relationship is a matter for both. +15%
A person is comfortable and safe both alone and in company with me, meaning: he/she is financially, emotionally more or less independent adult. +10%
They have no serious bad habits, and if they have, they would like to or are already trying to give them up. They exercise, take care of nutrition, sleep, etc. +10%
A person is not against psychology and LGBT people, they don't stick to either side in politics, and if they do, they aren't blindly hostile to the opposite side. Not hostile to believers/atheists. Just simply does not have an extremely critical black/white mindset. +5%
A person knows or wants to know the love and apology languages of both so that communication and spending time together would be easier and more satisfying :) +5%
They like to live more in the suburbs, away from the noise (I'm sensitive to noise and clutter). Not a sworn, adamant carnivore. +5%
Likes to travel or doesn't mind me traveling, would like to live near or together.+ 5%
Well... It's changed a lot... but now it will be clearer for both sexes because it's quite difficult to quickly catch up with all the escalation at the beginning of the meet-up otherwise :)) Here is a previous attempt at putting it together. So, it's not a problem if we don't end up at the top of the mountain, orange is also a color.
Have you tried to write down your preferences, wishes, wants needs?? Can you verbalize them in your conversations, clearly and simply? Would you like to receive a similar list from someone else? Do you like clarity and honesty in communication in general? How many preferences should be "covered" to calmly go into a relationship and to hope it will grow into something, well, beautiful, enriching, and just fine? How fast would you want the person to share their answers? How long could you wait for their transparent attempts to check your compatibility? How much unconsciousness in this could you tolerate, since the majority are more or less unaware about this?
PS: Aha!! If you accidentally calculated your answers to what I wrote here and got more than 50%, be a good dude and just :D message me. 😊 💚
As I mentioned, I will write the boundaries in another post, because I do not want to present a novella-length text to the modern person who has one and a half million things to do and cannot delve into another's affairs with the same attention. So, happy reading, and until next time! :P
So, about the educational system and why those diplomas, qualifications, and courses are so important, the number of completed projects/clients, the number of organizations/events created, the number of books written... Groups, courses.. mentors, followers, and a whole lot more. All possible cultural, let's say, indicators of the success of a person, a specialist.
Loads of questions appear:
- How much time is needed just to prove your qualification and the possibility for at least some people to trust you as a specialist?
- Is it really true that after so many indicators confirming success and reliability, people will really choose you, and not necessarily a person who hasn't that much, but who, let's say, is simply younger or simply does not care so much about those officially accepted achievements, but purely about the results of his real work and the people with whom he has to work?
- Where is the line or the healthy balance between that internal drive and fire and that, shall we say, more external evaluation and recognition (which is not necessarily only external)?
There are still a lot of related questions too, for example:
- Why people are so inclined to swear by everything possible that their relationships are and SHOULD BE based only on that inner cry, feeling, fire, etc., when in the meantime when choosing a specialist, they will DEFINITELY and WITHOUT A DOUBT choose something with external evidence, signs of success.
- Where does that divide come from and is it healthy at all, even if it's normal because it really is very common and normalized...anyone who has their own preferences, and boundaries, and knows exactly what can and can't work in a relationship is considered something of an ufo, abnormal, just like someone who works and is very successful without special diplomas, countless courses, organizations, etc. well, but let's go back to the building own professional image.
Again, I probably won't turn out to be very popular, and hopefully, I won't give in to the desire to run after "likes", although this is by no means a bad thing, to have an audience that cares about what you do and what you share, we are already terribly separated from each other the other due to all kinds of traumas and the hard-to-understand cultural norms, for example, exalted independence and individualism... (again, for example in the healing period or therapy, such a period is inevitable). But I hope, at the same time, there will not be a particularly cold and rationalized presentation, which completely cripples the message being transmitted, because even AI is being tried to be made socially acceptable and "emotional" :D Our good, growing, and nurturing relationships with each other are impossible to erase and we must have true cultural norms and boundaries, according to which we could navigate when choosing those specialists that we cannot be ourselves, although such jobs are sometimes simply necessary in our every day, etc.
And how much attention is there to time too...
- you won't have time,
- it's too late,
- there are other areas of life: you want to create something alike a family, possibly, you want to travel, see the world, you want to deal with traumatic experiences, you want to push on physical health, and maybe even strongly, you want a house, just want to go and develop that or this hobby.
- How much time do you have to make sure you look like a reliable specialist and also not lose or forget your inner fire, take care of your passion, purify it, ensuring it burns and develops, even if without great official formalities? Everything has its price, time = money... and how often there just simply aren't enough hours in one day.
- Will we be able to reconcile things... maybe there will just be times when the fire will be left to fend for itself... And is that an entirely bad thing? etc.
I think it's really necessary to have your eyes on both spots somewhat, if you really want to be a specialist who is not only good because he's, well, a little crazy about what he does and what his fire is, but also has that officially recognized baggage, so that his work is recognized and available to those who may need it most. Spots that feed each other and complement each other as well. If you are a complete outsider with considerable talent and quite a workload, but which, let's say, can not necessarily impress others, then such a situation can gradually turn into self-sabotage, because simply, why follow a path that is fine and necessary only for you and your inner self social circle? After all, this is more the image of a hobby than a profession... And again, if you are not passionate about what you do, what you study, volunteering for some organizations, etc... Well, maybe you chose it because of direct/indirect family pressure, or maybe you chose it because it was considered a popular wave of that time, maybe because of money, because of an image, to be among ok people and something else... It can simply die out, get exhausted, if it doesn't lead to the growth of that liked related thing, for example - money... or social recognition among colleagues, or your family will not be satisfied either way. Well, in other words, the thing that your chosen profession guarantees, it will not grow or grow temporarily or not so impressively. To be honest, I don't know when there is no passion, and the profession is based on a different foundation, if that choice will last, but I am convinced that such a specialist is often a completely frozen landscape, which is based on pure intelligence alone, not emotions... and we all are emotional creatures basically, well, just because of that trauma alone, even if you understand it intellectually, it doesn't heal at all, and it's because nothing changes on an emotional level. But then again, to expect that only emotions/passions will lead to reaching professional ambitions and drives... well, that's not the attitude of a sober or mature person... or say, although the story of Don Quixote is romantic enough, maybe it's just a bit painful too.
P.s.: anyway the best diploma of my life is for endurance and sportsmanship, when I finished the distance with a broken ski while falling behind everyone by a good few hundred meters... 🏅 well, apart from all the annual ones for good studying, loads of them.
Since half of my text was still deleted by the Weebly algorithms before I could save it, I'll somehow try to rewrite the beginning and the end will be original. So... What's the deal with self-control and self-harm? Basically, why do people get into the habit of self-harm... Actually, it is one of several post-traumatic reactions to real or no longer real violence, but simply when the current situation reminds of the experienced situation, in childhood, which was accompanied by violence, it can be physical or psychological or other.
There are basically four of them - trauma responses people act out, some distinguish only three responses or it is also popular to distinguish 5 or even more.
Self-harm usually is classified as a fawn response, why? Well, let's take a simple very physical example for illustration: a person has acted in such a way that you want to hit him or similar... And here you go to him to crack it up, and he suddenly starts hitting himself, or if you want to yell and so at him, and he starts verbally abusing himself loudly, apologizes, diminishes himself, defeats himself, devalues himself... He simply becomes some kind of self-abusive crazy one just before your eyes. Would there be at least some desire to do something for him (or her) then? Most of the time no, not much, you just want to go away and never come back to him or call an ambulance if he's dangerously self-destructing, or be happy that "trash took itself out", or you have this thought "I knew he was fcking nothing, eesh". So the essence of such behavior is to reduce violence to yourself... Because you will abuse yourself not as brutally as others, you will hit yourself maybe not in the eye, but somewhere nearby and not as hard, etc. You can control it, but you can't ever really control another person's actions... That's it. Maybe now it is clear why people can harm themselves... And why and how does it become a problem?
The problem is that if such defense was needed for a very long time and, let's say, constantly, well, if there were no supportive, listening, or at least more curious people around, and you not only experienced some kind of violence every day, but it happened constantly and for a long time. These and similar defenses gradually became a part of life, well...they became parts of YOU...You were and still are now what your environment completely rejected and you simultaneously became and integrated into yourself the parts that mirrored your violent environment. .. And that's why you can still be both yourself and that entity that can and actually does abuse yourself (well because that's how you managed to reduce abuse from others once)... In other words, by the environment in which you grew up you've been taught that this is the way the world is and that this way of treating yourself, it is normal, acceptable, and even encouraged. That's it... And times are changing, the world is bigger than just relatives and school, and gradually an adult man realizes that his behavior is not very adequate, but he just didn't learn it differently, because there was no way to learn it differently... And what's even more sticky is that he/she will involuntarily want to keep the world the way he/she has learned, so those who are either similar to him/her or to that person's environment while growing up will gather around, well, i.e. people similar to his parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, teachers, etc. Closed circle.
This problem, which again is very well and simply called self-hatred... It's really super complicated... Because even if a person goes to therapy, coaching, etc., and even gets a peaceful role model, an environment where there's no violence against them, neither physically nor psychologically... Where a professional can and does make mistakes... and has his/her own problems, doesn't always understand, etc., but is still NOT violent or abusive... Even then, that shadow remains, saying that something is wrong with you and this therapeutic relationship only proves that, healthy people don't go to therapy, they just live lalalala... well, those abusive thoughts and so on, which are cultivated from very young years, directly or indirectly... which sit like a program code in the brain... Besides after getting used to the environment in which you grew up, it is so difficult and scary to change, this coding (scary because of the unknown, and newness)...
Well, but... to put it briefly and simply, I think that no matter how deep the codes of the self-hatred program are written into the brain, it is really possible to change them, and it is the coding, not the arrangement and color of the buttons or something... As so many people think that is a good idea to simply change the design. Like, if I take help, then I am not healthy." Well, usually such people have the belief that through a partner, friends, activities, and achievements, it is possible to "get rid" of it, that self-hatred... but in reality, they only feed it, because the more you "stuff" the wound to look ok, the more it festers ... it just takes good care and openness for real healing to begin. This is also a broad topic, because many specialists conduct very standard sessions, and it is much easier to prescribe drugs after some label of theee diagnosis, instead of long repetitive conversations, and long pumping of unconditional love, until the person slowly slowly recovers... with the risk that they might not recover. My therapist (who has a sufficiently twisted sense of humor :D) keeps telling me that I'm going down the harder paths, but are they really harder if the alternative is a mountain of drugs... or/and some "effective" and "positive" addiction, in my case it would probably be work (with quite fine accomplishments) and toxic relationships (which would be followed by a quite charming and likable climb out of the SAME but slightly different pit). :D Then, well, it's definitely the harder path I choose...
That's it... And if some really important part of your personality has just been pushed into oblivion as non-existent and you now have an impressive self-loathing auto-mechanism on it... I believe it can be tamed... and I give good energy to those who are already trying to tame it.
AHA, but what! about self-control :)) Well, after all, people are told that she/he is out of control when hurting her/himself... It's the other way around... They've learned to control themselves so much that it's beyond the limits of humanity... and they can even be attacky or start gaslighting you and etc, if you show that you don't need that harsh defense with you, that they can release that control at least a little bit. All these demons and monsters, beasts and darkness within... who have become "best" and perhaps the only "friends"... Can slowly give way to the parts that have been pushed out, demoralized, cut off, and left to fate... In this way, self-hatred slowly begins to dissolve. Being red-haired is ok, writing with your left is ok, many things today are ok, what was a complete taboo in some Soviet Union or some Zimbabwe (I have nothing against Zimbabve or other places, I grew up in one like these).
You understand reality and yourself adequately enough, you know well enough who you are and what you want, you know how to make life decisions and choices, you know how to live, and you are ready for secure relationships. Not necessarily ideal, not necessarily flawless... but definitely not necessarily with that inhuman hatred for yourself and your behavior either.
So... One more message from me about diagnoses.
I'll try to keep it short while the avalanche of hostile people because we don't agree hasn't turned into a quantity that would allow social media algorithms to monitor my activity as if it were, well, terrorism at the very least :D Just kidding, I have a deep belief that it can be avoided this cancel culture or, let's say, victim culture and if it's inevitable for someone, it might be a certain sign that you have broken away from the flow of time and no longer feel the so-called Zeitgeist (EN: Spirit of time, that was very popular movement around 2007-2011 based on film series with the same name, and it helped me to become an atheist then)... Well... and this cancel culture phenomenon is nothing new at all, it's just a modernized and digitized Lynching. And just for the sake of a good little rant I just point out that here we can experience another example of historically blind belief that this kind of phenomenon wasn't with us before, just like the belief that LGBT people "didn't exist" before XXc... or that people, and even more so ALL men, are completely perverted only in these terrible times while at the same time, the internet is full of drawings and sculptures of ancient civilizations with ANY possible deviation from the missionary pose, etc., not to mention the generally inexplicable drawings or the so-called Womb Cave (Ultroba Cave) created by humans (not nature) in the shape of a vagina. So.. but what I wanted to write about is not that big of a topic, but it is important, I think, and now let's do that.
So... Shortly - I am not a supporter of the opinion that if you have a problem or uniqueness: overweight, a different orientation, an internal barrier to employment, an inability to find a partner, etc., well, that having something that is actually not so good or so common, that such a thing only needs acceptance and approval, that it is not so much a problem and that the most important thing is to accept it and live with it. In my opinion, this is the first and therefore perhaps the most important step in the construction of any life, but it is certainly not the final step, well, not in my life. And it's not only about physical, financial, sexual, and professional health but also about the emotional, and relationship side of our everyday. Perhaps I needed to enlighten and update myself that this direction - acceptance is currently even more acute in the emotional health sector and people are encouraged not to hide and open up about their problems and in this way to integrate into the surrounding society. And really, this step is super important, to accept the way it is here and now for you, because, first of all, without this step, it is impossible to go or even come to the idea of some kind of change, but... But this acceptance and thinking that that's all people need... well, that's not really the best solution in my eyes. Not to mention physical health… It's not enough to just accept that your leg just broke, for example.
But let's move on to emotional health. I don't know if it's known to many, but the most life-threatening disorders aren't schizophrenia, not even depression or anything, it is rather disorders related to food, and weight regulation because they are likely to end up rapidly leading to serious problems, and even fatal ones (good read on that here). I don't know if it's worth explaining something very strongly here, but accepting yourself alone won't really help you to overcome difficulties and change the current situation to a less dangerous one. And it's really not just about the opinions of others, although almost 100% of the time it's this increased attention to the opinions of others that leads to such behavior towards oneself. Just to make a long story short, my goal with this article is to make the point that simply accepting your uniqueness is not necessarily the end of the road. Just as you can find ways to lose weight and get in good physical shape, or, say devote your life to reaching marriage equality if you're gay, so can you work on your emotional problems, which (after all) are mostly nurture, not nature-based IMHO, in other words, not innate, but acquired. The good news here is that acquired problems are usually possible to restore and those defensive mechanisms of behavior or attitude towards oneself and others can be changed, not always but most often. Unlike in physical health care, in the psychological health area all diagnostics are based, let's say, not necessarily on empirical observations and proofs at all, not to mention that diagnostics based on symptoms can hardly be considered very reliable and objective or even scientific. Much more can be mentioned here (you can check this article too), but the main point is that just accepting the ailment that has emerged is super important, but I would not advise you to dwell on it until it becomes clear to the person him/herself, with or without help, that he/she either cannot or does not want to change the situation... Because simply adapting to cultural norms and/or denying the problem is definitely not optimal.
And if you really know and you've checked enough times and you're on the path to either healing or control your condition, then you're doing the best you can for yourself and your environment and you're a cool person. Good luck to you.
Mainly I simply invite you to question things and check them... Just like I would encourage not to put yourself in the role of a ethernal laboratory rat, so that you never be able to come to terms with your less than ideal health... which is the reality of each of us, unfortunately :)) And that's it. Best wishes. Well, if you ever meet a perfectly healthy person, it will probably only happen in a dream.
P.s.: if you still trust the diagnostic system of psychiatry and you have gone through a long and really effective healing path and you still want to check how it is with your previous diagnoses, you can always make an appointment with psychiatrists for it.
P.p.s.: if there is nothing about healing or controlling but rather about changing your environment and join the movement for bettering it.. well :) best luck in that, I hope, you'll find your ways.
Hello, I just hope this post won't be full of anger and sadness because that's exactly how I've been feeling these past few days.
Would you buy someone's heart, feelings...? Would you sell it for money or other material wealth to someone else? How much it determines relationships and how we combine internal and external resources... Is happiness really not in money and how much people would give for the career turn they want or the simplest house with a normal washing machine, not to mention the right medicine for their sick pet, or even for oneself.
It's strange... how often we just gulp all and completely go to swirl inside and so become royal beggars, because we don't learn to earn, gain material, or even physical independence, after all, how many adult children still live with their parents or other guardians... Well, or we give ourselves up to becoming completely materially self-sufficient and spiritually dependent on others... Well, in other words, we need to have around us those who need our support... And again... how many adults are able to be fully self-sufficient, and then part of that ability is still also provided to parents or other guardians still living with them.
To be honest, I don't know a good balance between co-/counter-dependency and whether this dynamic really creates a relationship where a person wants to belong and be someone to belong to, where they want to help and be helped... I say it's one thing about a relationship where a person is themselves and does it - create a relationship because of our natural, inevitable social needs... And another thing where these are habitual actions, even thinking, with which we just barricade ourselves... where we become inaccessible neither to others nor to ourselves... but somehow still virtuous and as if vulnerable?? Because we accept help if not one particular type of help, then another type of it.
I want a person to give because they are doing it and, well, in the sense that they are absolutely happy to do it and are blessed to see that you enjoy it... without any desire to get something in return...
I want a person to accept because he can and besides, it is not vitally necessary for him/her, but he is pleased to see that it brings a smile and joy to someone else, when they accept someone's gifts... For him it is like, as Teal Swan says - "positive social behavior"... it makes sense because we socialize whether we want to or not, we through hints and peeps in one way or another, if not literally sitting in each other's arms :D or at least we dream some nonsense or some image with a very caring person passes before our eyes when we accidentally fall onto the floor of a store or forget where our cart with products is :D well, it happens... like some kind of guards or just demons, pushing away from things that you have to be pushed away from.
Hearts from various corners of the internet
Well, how much will we sell the heart for... and how much will we buy it for... and are you the seller or the buyer or both?? Do you just care about the exchange, where we win and lose... where we are communal and willing to share, but still choose the environment of "our league"... inevitably?
Somehow, the further I go, the more I am convinced that trauma, like anything that seriously affects a person, whether it happens in the family, or the family is simply not very consciously able to follow the norms of society, so they adapt them without empathy or even compassion, rather with panic and anxiety about their offspring's abilities to become a good citizen, a part of everything that is the world for all of us. So different...and so unapologetically real. So withdrawn into their own things and affairs... and infinitely related to anything, even to the dust that you can see floating in the air in the room, illuminated by the rays of the sun....
I don't know, it's hard to write and there's a lot of confusion, so that I wouldn't inevitably end up with oversimplification or too long a litany about things that are mundane... I stop here and wish everyone as much trust/faith as togetherness/love.
Most likely, the point is not in the distraction between:
But rather just in freestyle float between them?? 🤟
Another question that comes to mind is about people who can't communicate publicly with loved ones and those who can't communicate privately with loved ones... something in the black/white area, but more on that in later entries.
So continuing on the theme of freedom and now also on stability... I really liked the question from a member of my group about freedom and stability, what I particularly liked was the naming. Freedom and stability, what insight! Because I have always thought that freedom and security/safety go as if on the sides of opposite polarity... And really, no hell! It is stability that goes against freedom, and security can be as much in one pole as in the other, as well as not being in it. Again... very often I think about how strongly security/safety is mocked in our dysfunctional families, and not necessarily in families, but in the general society... And it is precisely those polarities that are actually on opposite sides that seem to distract a person and he has to choose one or the other pole and consider it some kind of essential choice without much flexibility. Indeed, as the attachment styles show, choosing the "right" pole is not always the solution... The solution is in safety, and whichever pole is safer at the time, that's what you choose...
So... then what does stability mean when a person changes, his life changes and both home, family, and country do not change... That person becomes a prisoner of his stable environment both inside and outside. As they say, "Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.” - Mandy Hale. Stability becomes precarious.
Well, how can freedom not be safe?? (Blog's entry on freedom) Oh... well, how many people have "accidentally" ended up in solitary confinement for "accidentally" smoking a joint... Ooor for ?? burning money in public to show they are against it?? capitalism... For ignorance, for riding a bus without a ticket or driving drunk, and so on... It's just that sometimes freedom is not the same as irresponsibility or unconsciousness and rejection of accepted universal laws or normative behavior... sometimes freedom is the understanding of these things and the ability to deal with them while staying safe.
If you live in a country where human rights are difficult, you can leave, if you can't leave, you can join the movement to change the situation in the country and do it in a way that the risks become calculated, not crazy, even if you end up in prison, etc. It's all choices, the most important thing is to choose safety or/and calculate risks... because simply put as cool as it is with freedom, nobody needs you dead or hidden somewhere or stuffed with drugs ... or brainwashed, etc. We all make some kind of compromises because complete freedom means running around naked when it's raining, smashing windows of "the enemies", and burning their cars... well, it's :)) worse than in the animal world. As the saying goes "We normally consider stability to be the constant in life and accidents to be the exception, but it’s exactly the opposite. In reality, the accident is the rule and stability is the exception." — Gabriel Orozco. Freedom becomes precarious.
So without any longer due, what I want to tell is a thing about stability this time... I see it as safe when it works as a loss prevention of resources. It is not about focusing on obtaining resources by any means, at any time, from any possible or even impossible source. With this kind of behavior, a person is in conflict with the environment, himself, his inner peace, and even his self-confidence. He just runs as a junky to satiate for a short time, - the very next hype, next fashion scream... next short-term gain, ANY gain. At a time when you can focus on what you already have, what is already happening and is sufficient, maybe even fun... and try to keep it and wrest it from others who want to consume it for themselves, because we all tend to accumulate things, and get more of them or at least enough... and it's not necessarily about the material side of life, it's also about friends, and even if we don't want more of them, then we really want better ones - closer, more inclined to cooperate and so on or maybe even improve the relationship with already existing ones, deepening or daring to pursue or allow oneself to be pursued... These are simply unavoidable needs that no one even thinks of somehow controlling, but rather MEETING them... so :) one or another competition is inevitable... and by accepting it, it is possible to look at it through the prism of the same security, where life is like a sports game, we all play sports and because of this good sporting spirit, you can try and win... And winning requires not only striving but also trying to avoid failure. So here it is... in simple terms, I think stability is about being able to avoid failure without chasing unrealistic tasks or unrealistic goals; just as freedom is an attempt to focus on success, on one's own goals, and not on failure or someone else's aspirations.
It is similar to earning and saving polarities, just earning well is not useful, and the same goes for knowing how to save well... Sometimes one is more important, and sometimes the other is more important, flexibility is the answer.
As if freedom would be allowing yourself to be focused on your directions in life, and then stability would relate to allowing yourself to avoid disconnection from them. Simply put. :) Enjoy
And once again I invite you to remember that no matter how in your environment, where you grew up or where you are still, security is compromised... by equating it with arrogance, cowardice... boredom, or cunning... this is probably the most attractive quality for those with whom it is possible to establish really good relations. And☝️ everything else is not that important.
the one and only in whole world :) the gracefully grateful شکیرا
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.