So.... after finishing adventures of black sheep and a scapegoat (or at least it's some shorter or longer time pause for now)... I want to talk about boundaries. Previously in first spontaneous blog's entry about relationships I wrote on preferences in bonding, everyone could have their preferences verbalised just to be more clear, what they are looking for and what would be surely a way to good connection. So now... I have strong need to go for boundaries... This is somewhat, maybe an opposite thing but mostly is about same... Preferences are about, what you want and boundaries are about, what you don't want. Because some things, if they are crossed, people can be hurt in ways that are either not repairable or it would take super long time and super heavy efforts, so sometimes it's just better to let go... And most of all it is also better to be aware, you have those boundaries and even more better - to verbalise them. Just my opinion but I think these things could ease so much of burden and missunderstandings that relationships bare within... They evoke our bond with our parents: every tiny traumatic experience will let you know, how fcked up you and your wounds are... not to mention, that your partner/friend will have that precious opening and hurt all the way too... so you can't turn somewhere much, this all is your to care and to heal and to verbalise it. So.... less of fog (even, if it's pink and rosy :D) and confusion - at the start, the better outcome - in the longer run. That's the recipe I try to write down here, take it or not - up to you.
Here are my own rough, raw put boundaries... I'm fully aware we all meet wonderful people and it's no end to it until we are alive. Still... if connection with my partner is real and mature enough, meeting walking wonders can make some temporary soul wondering, maybe even body rush but... it's never serious or not serious enough and eventually it becomes something else: a lesson, a friendship, a working project, a joy of meeting someone great. And personally, I wouldn't accept breaking these below, or at least not 3-4 times in a row without any signs of change:
There are also love, acceptance, respect and empathy... these must be (in every bond actually, can't imagine anything without). I'm still learning them... It is hard art.. patience and courage helps, maybe.. I'm not sure but let's find out on the way :)
And this is how you look and think, when your boundaries are in tact and your preferences aren't shattered... :D almost like Frank Sinatra... just more open, well, another times - another fashion.
I would also recommend very very very much this channel on YouTube: Psych2Go - super easy understandable content, cutest ever drawings, important topics (love, life and s**t), many videos to choose from... mmm... one of my favourites next to the morning cup or on a short break.
Hey, another week - another topic in narcissistic kingdom. This time about, how narcs tend to behave in relationships, it's usually some repetitive cycle that goes on and on.
Todays terms: Narcissistic Hoovering and Grey Rock Method.
Definition by Psychology Today: "Narcissistic hoovering refers to attempts made by the narcissist to bring you back into their life – often after a period of distance on your part"
Definition by Medicine Net: "Hoovering is done by a “narcissistic person” when they think the victim or the person who they abuse or control is seeking to move away."
Synonym: sucking someone back into relationship.
Definition by Medical News Today: "The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people."
Definition by Healthline: "This strategy involves becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be when interacting with a manipulative person."
Synonym: non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock.
I would want to first of all to show that cycle that narcissistic people go on and on with anyone... It's never different and it's always repeating. I guess, something similar to this cycle exist in usual couple's life too but not as sharp and as unbearable as in narcissistic bond. Of course, it's worth to mention that narcissistic people hardly hook up with people, who don't have narcissistic wounds in them... simply because neither narcs are interested in them (they don't shine so bright, they are just too boring to a narc) nor those people are interested in narcissist, usually they seem too intimidating to those people, too shinny and extraordinary. Narcissists choose people or are chosen by people, who also lack in self-esteem and self-love but they might have covert narcissism, well, not that grandiose, god alike exposure and dominance, rather the opposite - always anxious, unsure but deep down knowing they are the best and most sensitive people anyone can find, it's just that no one sees it and! no one can... since that is sort a secret to not reveal a another "secret" that is narcissistic wound: they lack of basic capability to sooth themselves and be just ok as they are... They always - not enough, so overt (classic grandiose) narc seems as a perfect "another side of the apple" to them... Although overt narcs just play that "god's role" to cover same wound covert narcs have: they never ever feel enough as they are in their mind, heart. Here is quite and easy and clear text on: narcissistic injury and healing.
Anyway, going back to that cycle you will get into, if you have some narc wound from your upbringing looks like this:
Definition of Triangulation by Wikipedia here, and in few words it's a situation, where you are dragged into triangle, where narcissist tries to portray you as an abuser to that third person and manipulate you this way.
Smear Campaign often is performed by Flying Monkeys of the narcissist
Yeah, that's how an actual Star Wars begin :D since everyone, who is narcissistically injured in their upbringing is obviously grandiose star or star that hesitates to be that grandiose but they still are that, just secretly hidden :D So, we can go back to our guys now black-sheep and scapegoat:
As you see, they met a Dart Veider innocently hoovering his room or, say, he wants MOST PROBABLY to hoover back that hard to get rock guy and... well... they have a talk about it. Sheep says this dude Dart Veider tries to hoover back will probably be ok, and it's true, if you are dealing with narcissistic people best ways to deal with them are: no contact or grey rock method.
Grey Rock method in my opinion is similar to no contact but it goes about no contact with your inner self, emotional world. No contact is you withdrawing whole of your-self, grey rock method - you withdrawing your inner, emotional world and remain in contact but more of as an radio: no emotions, plain answers, no initiation of a conversation, no further hooks for discussion, nothing, plain, cold, not emotional, boringly numb as a rock... And that's it.
Oh, right :D not to mention to mess it all up: narcissistically injured people very often like to play the biggest victims in the room and ghost people or appear in acting out the grey rock method with their prays just to convince everyone and them-selves that they are abused and no one else. Mostly it's about not letting go of all possible power and love, since that is everything that they didn't get in their childhood and will take and hold in all ways possible and known to them... Not because they don't want ok relationships with you, just because they don't know, how to do it, and first and biggest need to them is to remain and hold on to those things they never had rather than be ok with themselves as they are and then with you too.
Best wishes to understand, what's going on and leave people to heal their narcissistic wounds, since that isn't your duty to do it for them, it's theirs.
And to all of those, who have this kind of wound... Please, try a therapy or self-knowledge at least, don't be afraid to feel as you really feel about your-self and your life, go through it... and eventually you will find ways to regain ok self-love and a power given to all of us just the way we are, because we are the way we are. "EVERY PERSON IS BORN WITH A SEED OF GREATNESS", - (Myles Munroe) + And you can't escape that .... unless you wish to run from your greatness or pretend you have way more of it than you do :) it's your choice.
Hello, today's topic is about narcissistic way of socialising, so we could take few terms to talk about. Today those terms are: Word Salad, Kernel of Truth, also borderline disorder can be touched but it's secondary focus for me here.
Definitions by the Wikipedia for Word Salad: A word salad [...] is a "confused or unintelligible mixture of seemingly random words and phrases". [...] The words may or may not be grammatically correct, but are semantically confused to the point that the listener cannot extract any meaning from them.
Definitions by Oxford Languages for Word Salad: a confused or unintelligible mixture of seemingly random words and phrases.
Synonym: gibberish, incoherency.
Definition by APA Dictionary of Psychology for Kernel of Truth: the idea that stereotypes, despite being exaggerated generalizations about a group of diverse individuals, sometimes contain elements that accurately describe the qualities of the stereotyped group.Definition by Saylor Academy for Kernel of Truth: a stereotype is a generalized belief about the qualities or characteristics of a particular group of people.
Synonym: a fragment, a hint.
Also borderline rage moments could be mentioned here but... that's another issue and I am not a big fan of pathologizing people's behaviour in any way, so maybe I pass with this.
To tell it straight and shortly for me Word Salad is, when someone just has this.. sort a fluent and repetitive way of talking in the way that actually says nothing much. You can call it small talk, you can call it extravert feature, you can call it ice-breaker but sometimes is can be narcissist's way to gaslight their conversation partner. Again, I guess, some people just copy that from their guardian's behaviour and that really can be just a part of their tools for communication. How would you know, it's used for wrong reasons? You can know, if it doesn't change for long time, if the person can't lose it and turn conversation other way, where it can start to have an actual meaning... And also, if your relation to that word salad serving person never changes, if he/she remains the same, serving same salad, never planning, never showing some more solid moves towards you. Especially in relationship building beginning or similar people might get nervous, anxious and unsure, so things might get messy but it shouldn't bring you into endless spirals of this verbal defensiveness out of nervousness, if you try to support and care and it's obvious or you are simply straight and telling, you are ok to build something together. this has to help that person to relax, if he/she can't relax and start being more clear and also hearing you out and inviting you to join in to dialogue... that might be an issue. It also might be a copy of person's parents' or guardians' behaviour and if that person copied it very very early in their infanthood, it might stay with them. In this case I just wish that someone would be ok with this type of expression, it's erratic, eccentric, aimless. It's never personally against anyone, just some people are more eccentric, others - less, some like eccentrism, some don't, seems fair enough. So here, I guess, I have best wishes to find you eccentric someone, if you like that :D or ordinary someone, if that's "the wheels" that you prefer; also be aware, if you're into trouble with someone, who can't really control themselves and you will need to do that for them or they just need some continuous, repetitive signs of acceptance and reassurance of your presents. Even most nervous and anxious people simply calm down, if there is guarantee they won't be dumped as another garbage piece out of somebody's life. You know it, everyone does.. We just forget... life's busy, everyone runs and roses are left without smelling them. :/
Ok, on Kernel of Truth for me it's when a person hooks you up with some fragments or hints of something or someone and you start wondering, how it is for real... since it's often mixed with some dubious or foggy facts too. With Words Salad I tend to wait until person starts to feel calm enough to reveal them-selves, with Kernel of Truth I tend to wait too... since time has capability to show off real face of person's interests and knowledges. Again this might occur at the start of knowing each other, person might wish to understand, what they have similar with you, what are your opinions on some groups, where you stand your-self in social ways in: politics, sexuality, finances, hobbies, activities, psychologically, so on. So often they might be really not clear, while they them-selves are trying to understand, where you stand yourself :D and then plenty of misunderstandings appear... But steady and slowly it clears out. Again, this defensiveness might come from someone, who has this toxicity against some groups of people and simply is prejudist and wants to find either similar people or anyone to brainwash into prejudism... Best wishes to stay patient with a hint of wisdom and look closer at each one, you might evaluate as intolerant...
Ah yes, also it might come exactly from the family they grew up in, they might have been integrated prejudism against people like them-selves. I talk a lot about these guys: blacksheep and scapegoat being pushed and targeted constantly, but mainly... they got it in their childhood and mainly they don't like them-selves so much not because they chose so, they don't like something about them because that was basic rule no one could touch ever. It was about some particular features being even to consider it to be ever ok or even too gross to talk about it.... So now deep deep down inside stayed the same - disliking, hating it in them, going to fight for those qualities to be accepted and failing again... It's not outside already, it's deep inside.... And it's still learned, so this disliking and hating can be dismantled and changed :) BEST NEWS so far :D Since about some features I am black-sheep/scapegoat too but slowly learning to dismantle self-hatred and :) it feels amazing to do so. Best luck to all 🌐💮🤍💮 🌐
Pain au chocolat (from French) - one of the most famous chocolate pastry in France
Here is also some words' and stuffs mix for illustration from Youtube's crafts: Celebrities Go to a Fancy Restaurant ಠ_ಠ
Hello, so one way or the other happy New Year to all :D And hopefully, we all come back to healthier life styles after this marathon of some festive domestic variable gluttony :)
And today's topic in variety of narcissistic behaviour or, say, another term to describe - Flying Monkeys.
Definition by Wikipedia: Flying Monkeys is a phrase sometimes used in popular psychology to describe people who are acting at the behest of another to control a targeted individual. It is a metaphor taken from the Wizard of Oz wherein the Wicked Witch of the West used winged monkeys to carry out evil deeds on her behalf.
Definition by a Conscious Rethink: Flying Monkeys is a term used in psychology to describe the sycophantic hangers-on who usually orbit around narcissists, and support/defend everything they do.
Synonym: quick addiction
So in another words, shortly put Flying Monkeys are people, who are brainwashed by the narcissist to attack their targeted person or a group. The more Flying Monkeys someone has, the better and more powerful attack they can create against someone. Why to ad exactly this to the scapegoat's and black-sheep's adventures? Well, again these people were brainwashed long time ago, while being children, so they are perfect people to be brainwashed again an again, since they do it themselves in profound ways already, that's the behaviour, they needed to integrate for themselves, that's what became "everyday's normal". So I wouldn't claim that exactly but I think, especially when bit more low in life scapegoats would quite easily and effectively become Flying Monkeys for someone. Obviously they could become the targeted person easily as well, since that is, what they integrated inside their psyche too - being very obvious, tasty and really magnetic person for targeting. Might be they can appear as narcissist as well but that isn't very likely, since they are more about being a doormat for someone than a almighty blown up genie. Although that might happen, when they are on a good wave in their life, since being a doormat or blown up genie are only ways they knew, so.. if they aren't in their usual role, so then - the opposite. So, again, if the narcissist knows how to convince someone that they deserve good behaviour with them (which scapegoats never had or rarely, so they crave it as a water itself) and that they are righteous and good person for defending good deeds, I have no doubts that would 100% create excellent flying monkey out of a casual person, who grew up in a scapegoat's role.
One way or another that's how Flying Monkeys work and sometimes, IMHO, you can see this process being applied country wide... nations wide... How many of us see some country like for example America and what was done to Syria and we can't understand, what on Earth leads people to do those things to other people? And why we are even able to do those things we do sometimes? Because we want security and to belong to someone, something bigger than us? Something, someone, who could care for us and would clearly state to us that we belong? And then we smash entire humanity in us just to have that belonging.... every kindness just for some drops of safety... We cross the line and lose our ground, we don't hear our hearts and that safety we needed vanishes as it never been here ever... never, ever? never ever.
Sounds like an exercise of balancing has to be done in better sequence to achieve more healthy interdependency with our-selves and the surroundings, neither sharpened egocentrism nor hyper altruism has done something good for no one.
So best wishes to watch out and stay out of invitations to hunt a person or a group of people for any reasons, since these are always somewhat suspicious in the first place with remaining in good shape and ability to defend you and people of your close circle. Patience and intelligence wishes for 2022!
Hello all the different ones :) How are you doing these days just before 2022 New Year hitting our doorsteps?
Another piece and another topic: GASLIGHTING.
Definition by Wikipedia:
Gaslighting is a colloquialism, loosely defined as making someone question their own reality.
To gaslight - to mislead someone such that they doubt their own memory, perceptions, or sanity.
Another description by verywellmind:
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships. It is an insidious and sometimes covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes the target question their judgments and reality. Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to wonder if they are losing their sanity
So shortly it's some sort a tactics that is going on long term to make someone to question their own reality and sanity to become easy target for wanted manipulation. Why it is put together with scapegoat/black-sheep mindset? Easy: it's because these kids had to believe they are less just because no reason, really... They are less than others, they must know that the only way to gain some personal power is to make other to believe they are less just because no reason. Deluted self worth, self empowerment, self love, self respect. You can't just simply be, who you really are and be ok with that, being valued, empowered, loved and respected for you you simply are. Person that you really are can't be worth, loved, respected and have personal human power, it can't be so and there is no any particular reasons for it, so you can't really do anything as well... You are doomed, cursed and you will remain like this until you die, serving, obeying, following and worshipping others or to become a tyrant, villain, authoritarian, dictator. That are only two options for scapegoat/black-sheep in the family and kids after growing up repeat these paths through all their life and pass them onto their own children. It is rarely done to anyone in extreme 100% ways but it can be done about their abilities to succeed in school, succeed in sports, or about their sexuality, their social gender roles, gender identities, race, political views, ability to be financially successful, being practical, being creative and other ways. Lot of times it's done because parents and other people, who help raising children don't know, why a child is different: dyslexic, dysphoric, lefthanded, you name it, it might be because the social environment they are in, like it was Soviets, homosexuality was a crime, lesbian, transgenders and other LGBT people simply didn't "exist".. Lefthanded were burned in middle ages, dyslexic people aren't understood often too, so on. Very often this abuse children get is simply because political and social place their parents live in and have to follow. And that is the point, where healthy individualism might end... simply because every piece of something bigger might change that bigger picture, parents need support just as they need good confrontation about their parenthood to remain being balanced and able to withstand sickness of our society in general, not passing it to their children. It's a job of the titans and parents really need good support while doing it. It's not about parenting and family being an untouchable taboo and it's not about setting every mistake of the parents to be crucial and take away their children by some third party - both ways are damaging future of humanity... parents mostly always are best people to raise their children but it can be left without any questioning, no questioning strategy creates cult culture and nothing else.
As an example of how people can fall into a rabbit holes of false believe system:
And anyway, who could really blame either S.Freud or Meredite Maran, if you could step into their shoes.
The term GASLIGHTING is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, which is a story about a husband who uses trickery to convince his wife that she is mentally unwell in order to steal from her.
Have a nice evening with your home cinema stuff and stay safe, not only physically. :)
Not to forget: Gaslighting is not necessarily malicious or intentional, although in some cases it is.
Also worth mentioning: while person's believe system changes into a more realistic and accurate one it might seem just as gaslighting too, at least at the start, be aware not to attack someone, who is making a titan's work for your own good.
Hi there everyone, who seems like being different :D more or less.
So what is that Stockholm syndrome and how it got it's name and! what it has to do with scapegoat child, while he/she is already adult?
Stockholm syndrome - feelings of trust or affection felt in many cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim towards a captor. (Definitions from Oxford Languages)
It's when a person feels affection, empathy, falls in love, adores his/her abuser and defends him/her because of their more humane and sensitive traits, although abuser keeps being an abuser. It's a real victim's mentality, masochism. It could be done just like in BDSM - by an agreement but! again, this is more about even greater safety and trust as in casual, easy relationship with someone. Because, if you asking to play sado-maso roles with someone, you must have seriously strong safety and trust within that bond. Usually though, it's pretty simple, one is really an abuser and the other is really a victim in such a dynamics.
Name of this syndrome appeared in one bank robbery accident, when robbers held some hostages and after police got the criminals, their hostages after all the dramas and emotional turbulence were defending robbers and were emotionally bond to them. You can read it here - Norrmalmstorg robbery (1973) or watch it film about it - Norrmalmstorg, whatever is more easy to do for you.
What it has to do with grown up kids that where forced into scapegoat's role in their families? They got used to that particular dynamics, where you are either a bully or a bullied, so that is their used "normal" situation to be in. That means that even though we live in society that doesn't promote that kind of behaviour but if you got used to it from very early age, you might unconsciously be comfortable with it and step into your used roles. Not by your conscious choice but like, if you "wouldn't control it". So scapegoats, if they don't work on their habitual behaviour would seek to be abused or to abuse, depends on the degree they got pushed that dynamics on them in their early age. It's very hard to unlearn it: to understand that you have same worth and power as anyone else and also! anyone else have same worth and power as humans, just same worth and power as your-self, yes, just because they are here, living their lives same as you do. Same amount lovable and respectable. It doesn't mean that people are same in everyway, one knows one thing better, the other does another thing more great, some become criminals, some isolate them-selves, we vary, but fundamentally we don't. This distorted hierarchy in dysfunctional families make kids to believe that some people are better fundamentally than others and the only way to become better is to grow up and make other to believe they are worse fundamentally too (just a copied behaviour of their dysfunctional parents).. And so this creepy chain continues. So.... I really like Sweden and all but let's break the chain, shell we?
Uhm, one more thing to mention is about why black sheep and scapegoat is a product of same abuse and both roles are put onto same person/kid.
So first of all you need to become easy target, you need to look and behave in a way, everyone would say, you don't have usual neurotypical behaviour, rather extraordinary, exotic, special, different. Yes, and when you already became visible, clear target for alienation, you just will be an outcast, the communal sacrifice to carry away sins of community, ostracized and then either won't survive or find some piece only among similar ostracized folks. That's, what it holds this cycle of being: a target & an outcast, and it hardly ends this cycle .. but it can be broken down gradually, step by step, carefully but without stopping. After all, we all know, no matter how exclusive or excluded particular group of people may be, same cruel processes occur in it those groups too. Shortly put - let us not be left rolling same old songs as some broken record players..
And yeah, I guess, it's best not to worry too much since everyone has at least something that makes them extraordinary, science says it can't be possible for 2 identical people to be born before, now or ever, we just all are extraordinary :D each of us, maybe it's boring but truth, stay special :D !! And don't go disguised as a black sheep to the Stockholm (syndrome).. They gonna simply crucify you there (Legend of Jesus is a perfect example of black sheep/scapegoat dynamics).
(Stockholm syndrome has never been included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM)
And here is for ears: Muse - Stockholm Syndrome 🎶🎶🎶
So bit different topic now and bit different moods.
Working on relationships is somewhat more joyful and easy topic.
Why narcissism is so common topic in community these days? I think it's because this is some sort a "new fashion" to talk about (like it was to talk about millennial's self-entitlement), I never saw so many groups and so many people smashing their narcs: usually those are their ex boyfriends/girlfriends or at least they put it this way... And not less often these screamy, super judgmental people seem to be more of a narcs than those they blame.. I am not telling that's the fact but for me they seem exactly that: loud, proud for "not longer being a victim!", telling stories about some wide known killers and molesters and how now they are glad, they got away from their terrible, horrible, super abusive lalala ex partners... Well, usually, that's the stories I see. Sometimes it's about their parents or similar, that I would believe could be more realistic, still... It might be just usual show-off of seriously "professional victims", not that they are earning from it but... In these times, when people are reading loads on PTSD, trauma healing.. abusive authorities, political correctness, safe zones so on... Everything became slightly upside down reality, where people, who are able to prove they were abused, are more worshiped than people, who were really abused, are helped... Where people, who are not complying to this insanity but aren't abusive are blamed and punished for it no matter what. We live among liars and manipulative parasites and more unconscious you are about your-self, the more damage you bring.. the less you can't get bravery to step out of your "my usual me" and become more real you, even if hated by so many... you're helping to bring more lies... If a ugly duckling wouldn't break out of his cave for not getting abused, he wouldn't see, who he became.
Again, it's not that there isn't narcissism in families and relationships, there is plenty of that, still.. That big bubble blown out of it just doesn't match with statistical spread of cluster B disorders (including psychopathy and similar) and it counts only 1-6% of population (source). But of course that can be very usual gap between reality and media... since now days we can take so many similar example, like this as well: so many are super screamy about almost every second young person "becoming" a transgender versus statistics showing that at least in 2016 they counted only 0.5 to 0.6% of population identifying as such in US (source). It's just hard to understand all... especially, when people get so loud and overwhelmingly big experts in knowing, who's narcissist, who's molester, who's playing a victim, who's trans, who's transphobe, who's whatever. How ever, it's tiring.
How ever :D we all have some narcissism in us and it is healthy... Since we all are bit of the babies and still have moments, where we seem to be centre of the universe and have no boundaries, being united in oneness with someone, something.. Taking someone as a part of us, of our life - seeing another one as a baby, being part of someone's world, of someone.. You know, how you say to someone, who you really love: "You're my baby", "baby, come back :D". And we need authority figures in our lives too as a person or some personification: organisations, some fiction figures, god/gods, musicians, establishments, authors. To guide us, someone, something to follow in our life, to learn, to trust our growth with them, it's essential for our personal lives and our carers. We pick our partners, who are similar to our masculine/feminine caregivers, usually similar to our dad/mom. We unconsciously want to be similar to those too :) even if opposing the in rebellious way, the more we protest against them, the more passionate we tell how important that person/personification is for us. Ok, and narcissism evolves during infanthood, when baby can't get proper care and enough of that care: he/she is abused or neglected or both... So after growing up, these people do anything to simply "fix" that: to get proper care and enough of it, even, if they aren't babies anymore. And since babies have to get it unconditionally because they are babies, so, when adult tries to unconditionally be a centre of the universe for others on and on, it is not gonna be ok for no one....No one has to take care of any other adult without some reason... and you can't be punished for it, of course... that doesn't help people, who didn't get that care, while they were babies. In my eyes therapy and re-parenting one's self could help a bit though, some techniques might help, there are some games developed, where you can interact with your-self as, if you where your own parent or a child, so on.
One way or another, let's talk about the kids raised by parents (or one of the parents), and, if those parents have higher narcissism traits or simply can't deal properly with that. Usually in these families children are classified and loved differently (can be that there are no boundaries and hierarchy at all; or it changes between inadequate roles and no boundaries depending on the most narcissistic parent's moods):
there is black-sheep or scapegoat - the doomed, troubled child,
lost child - this one is just the one, who never get's attention, he's simply forgotten
and the golden child or family hero - the gifted one, the champion.
And then each of these children develop some syndromes over the time, black sheep/scapegoats have Stockholm syndrome, golden child has a Jocasta complex, so on.
In other descriptions there can be more roles put on children:
there can be mascot - clown in the family like Robin Williams,
also surrogate parent or caregiver - child, who care about other children in the family.
Schematic pic, when father is more narcissistic:
Picture, when mother is more narcissistic:
Whole universe in huge narcissistic family:
Anyway, in my further entries I will discuss more those black-sheep and scapegoats roles, since while being leader of some LGBT+ projects I see these type of people are most often met in there. They pretend to be better than anyone and then suddenly you realise they usually feel as, if they are most incapable one in the room, doesn't matter what room and among what people... Although they really can see through lot of shit and they really can't just be ok with that. Brilliant pushovers usually... with some talents and areas, where they are quite secure and safe people. Black sheep or white crow in general means being different among others, so... naturally, in countries, where LGBT+ is still somewhat taboo, like in Lithuania as well (talking end of 2021 now), so those children are usually pushed into black-sheep role in the families by definition. Unwanted children, weakest, weirdest, etc., could be based on the gender too, whatever reason, there is no real reason for this anyway.
These two buddies, - black sheep and scapegoat will be your characters for new adventures in the realm of crazy world of narcissistic behaviour:
Small festive gift: the film with English subtitles about a child pushed into the role of a black sheep in his family, later they decided to lose him. But! he was accidentally re-discovered and got back on his feet by the efforts of complete stranger :) So.....please, enjoy!
In pervious blog entry I wrote about ways to work on your relationships. One of the my most preferable way to do it is to study and understand Attachment Theory. I found few groups in Facebook for it, also few friends, who are more advance in this topic and with a time, laughing at memes and reading people' discussions I slowly got into some attachment quizzes.
How do you know, what type are you in connecting with others, how to recognise it in you/your behaviour. I never could define it for me without tests and quizzes, so I recommend to just step on it and try these:
And again, after you will get your results, let’s keep in playful, shell we?
I want to talk about Land of Oz now :D And how watching 1939 movie about it reminded me exactly about attachment styles and how every main characters kind a represents each of styles:
Dorothy – Secure attachment style SA
Tin-man – Dismissive avoidant style DA
Scarecrow – Anxious preoccupied style AA
Lion – Fearful avoidant type FA
(Initially I watched that movie to understand, where psychology term 'Flying Monkeys' came from)
Here it’s some easy meme on it
And let’s talk about this comparison.
Dorothy even though, she is not herself atm and is hallucinating some fantasy land, she seems to bond easily, is soft in talking her needs and boundaries, knows her autonomy and can feel just fine depending on others. Maybe bit boring and not so interesting and specially exclusive, she really seems OK there. All in place, bit boring, no big surprises - just as securely attached folks, can't say, why they just easy to talk to, although not invasive, almost invisible but you come back to them anyway. There are no movies about these because it would be too boring, too quiet, easy and simple :D By statistics about 50% of people in the Western world have secure attachment style.
Tin-man is exclusive… He’s rusty and can’t feel.. Seems like his body and soul are… ether not accessible or hardly translated to himself. He seems calm and stable but not flexible and secure. His body sensation and feeling are unknown/too far for him. No heart. Just as dismissive avoidants are very much depending on their intelligence and cant’ get into emotional sector in intimacy, it scares them. Is it like platonic or business alike love with some long, ongoing discussions here and there? About 25% of people are dismissively attached in the West.
Scarecrow is special too, you can tell. He’s like spineless, boundary-less… not trustworthy, insane a bit? Seems like he can’t think is chaotic, even his body can’t listen to himself. He is friendly and easy to bond, but no trust and stability is in this creature. His not conscious much and have no capacity to be OK with his body. No brain. Just as anxious preoccupied depends on mostly emotional side of connection, can’t get into mental sector in intimacy, it makes them anxious. Simply put: an Italian family with a lot of drama on and on or just a romantic comedy non stop. Anxiously attached in the West - about 20% of population.
Lion – super special… animal king with no courage to be that. Completely insecure with super strong facade though for covering it up. He seems to be mixture of both – tin-man and scarecrow in one… neither he’s OK with his feelings or thoughts… no capacity to deal sensation whatsoever and can’t be gentle with his royal body too. He needs to be cared of but can’t deal with it since, it seems to insecure too.. No heart/brain <–> No courage. Just like fearful avoidants are mostly depending on their own safety and can't get into intimacy or very shortly, with great distance or a clear promise to end it. Here you can remember extremely romantic stories with super tragic endings or generous, heroic withdrawals from relationships for “higher reasons” or "higher good"? Or maybe can be similar to action movies with some love intrigue? Extremely charming bad guys/girls with ability to shine briefly and bright, when disaster strikes or they meet even more badass people around. We have about 5% of disorganized attached in the Western world.
According to statistics at least USA counts about 50% of marriages that end up with divorces... This does not necessarily directly correlate with the statistics of attachment styles spread... Anyway :) nobody gets hurt by better and more conscious relationships, where warmth prevails, well, sometimes maybe some more heated sparkle appears :D Good luck
Don’t forget to not get discouraged :) by your quiz's results, it’s way better to know things than to live in denial of self-righteousness. It’s not your skin tone, you can change your attachments, if needed.
Best luck and.... you will find your way over the rainbow :) promise
Blog posts are edited and some additional info put in over the time not to be very surprised about changes in texts while reviewing older posts.
Why attempts to win a good partner in dating lottery or try to avoid partnership in general just don't work
OK, so… first entries on this blog about relationships were slightly chaotic or maybe inpatient and I can’t promise that won’t happen again, but let’s try to slowly go to more structured ways.
First of all… how people work on their relationships? That’s a very good question with some complex answer, IMHO:
In 2. method I think you might hit the rock bottom quite fast as in first method too, especially in case of seriously damaging drugs or maybe overdoing in sports, and if you would stay alive and conscious, you might start to search for OK help, self-help, - that’s the point, where you can change the game.
3. method is good… I don’t mind people staying single, even for the rest of their lives, if they are truly OK with it and matching just doesn’t happen or they become single parent in adoption (or already raising a kid/s from previously unsuccessful bond). Until you’re a functioning, quite happy person, anyone benefits. While going this way you may hit and heal some basic main issues you had in relationships just by working with yourself. That part of the work is needed to restore and rebuild more safe connection with others: in your family, in your work space, with friends and a previously existing partner.
4. method, – excellence doesn’t come easy, ain’t it? But you’re still pushing though even, if it’s scary and you’re already learned how to appear fragile with some decent armour, if needed, - all is new and unknown, good state to be in though. Here you learn to be good alone, good in connecting :) and best luck in building your dynamic social cycle, sir or ma’am, no matter how long it will take you and what sacrifices you may face on this journey. In this method you obviously will not only work on your personal issues but also on connections with others. Can be various ways to do it: attachments style theory, co/counter-dependency question, might be even studying gender roles and related stuff could help, IFS (Internal Family System as a reflection of inner bonding within personality parts), NVC (Non Violent Communication to create more effective ways for resolving conflicts), therapy, meditation can help just as many other approaches.
And of course… there are lucky people, who are raised in really healthy and securely bonding families and they are just fine and finding OK people early, creating loving and lasting families before or around their 30 and they are ok in being independent just like interdependent. Thanx for all possible contribution you bring to all of us. It's known, securely attached folks are ~50% of population in the West, just as ~50% of marriages don't end up in divorce.. Not that it is direct correlation, still, let's work on it, yeah? with some hope to become better.
There might be people, who can't let go of healing and going from therapy to therapy or even join some strange self-help groups and activities that obviously won't help. There is very good and wise middle in this some sort a mania of healing too. The less you need help from professionals, the more healthy you are, and really not the other way around, don't get fooled in opposite way of usual "I know this all naturally" and bump into the crowd of "I really constantly need help" virtue signalling people. You do know stuff and you're adult enough to go on without professional support, when you're ready or to need it in gradually lesser amount and more rare until it fades out, or in waves. We all have our own unique ways in here too. Just listen to this NF rapper, he tells it straight :) or Kylie... confide in your-self and your friends step by step, slowly but steady and all be fine at the end :) Don't believe it? Bliss n eco will remind you :P
Also have to mention that 4 types mentioned before can come as they’re described and also there can be mixtures of those, - not clearly/purely one or the other type..
Most tragic faith in my eyes is, when people decide to stay in relationships "because of the children" or "because it's too late to find better". And then everyone suffers. Also, when people live with their bottle of beer or carer or TV shows... And then suffer alone in silence...
Long term research about happiness in life presented in TED talk - here.
More songs on the topic in case you're lonely with your problems & quite Radio-head too:
Odd Chap & Little Violet
or put your own tune on healing, therapy or some sort a insanity in comments, would be awesome :)
And in next entry I will write more about Attachment Style Theory and how to know your attachment style. Of course, it won't be super scientific but more like filtered through the everyday life lens and arts and all that jazz I usually have in me (I can't work in another way, sorry, if that's not for you, I don't mind).
Here it's a small taster of what's coming, - 4 attachment styles in a rose garden and their most common acronyms:
SA - Secure
DA - Dismissive Avoidant
AA - Anxious
FA - Fearful Avoidant (or Disorganised)
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.