So, about this complex, difficult, and perhaps the most necessary topic, which is perhaps comparable in importance and necessity only to the topic of truth or personal truth... Of course, things that require such seriousness and responsibility just turn on the computer's reluctance to save my writing :D which is why everything suddenly disappeared, so I have to do it again, and this time with the help of Libre. I will hardly be able to repeat some poetry though. Anyway, there are not many things as important as love and above all self-love…. It doesn't matter if you are rich, healthy, old, active, smart, handsome or not... she doesn't choose...color, height, strength, mind...power...it all doesn't matter to her. What matters to her is herself and what matters is your relationship with her... she will never give in to your usual tricks... she will always find a way out, she will never listen to noise, and she will find that voice that speaks the truth and which at the same time can be in compassion and understanding the essence... she will not wander in some fog just to make life and yourself seem safer and more fun, comfortable, she rather will find the real you, the one who sits in the dark corner of your soul, forgotten by everyone even by yourself, abandoned, unrecognized, rejected, and as if invisible… she will brush away the dirt and gossip from you, she will not allow herself to be rejected and scared as much as you are scared yourself…. frightened by the image that people around you painted of you for so long that you just got used to choosing them, only those, who can paint you only in the similar way... She does not care, she will never take it for a truth, will never value it, she knows, she feels, she recognizes, she is in no rush, she doesn't push... she doesn't force, she waits and invites. She reminds you that she is here, next to you… she recognizes your ability to perceive and see the passion for life and for who you really are. Who you are for yourself… never stopped being, even if no one ever let you, you brought it into this life, she preserved it and she commands you to reveal it, unfold it…. Open it up and wear it with as much dignity as anyone else can wear their truth and their best selves…proudly, freely, uncommittedly, and respectfully. What matters to her is that you do it and you can't stop because she wants you to not stop…
She will never back down and she will never betray you… Yes, you will think that you have been betrayed for so long and so hard and relentlessly, all the way and all the time… But she will remind you that it was just part of it all. She will never lie to you that there was no such pain and abandonment. Not being seen, not counting as a person... The compulsion not to exist, the compulsion to learn how to treat yourself by yourself like this too... distortion, erasure... the integration of this kind of behavior towards yourself into a norm... into that moral norm that you still, to this day, consider as the only possible guarantor of security, as the only way to get the resources necessary to sustain life... food, shelter, warmth, hugs. She will not deny the millions of masks you still hold, and the self hiding behind them… just not this, just not me, not like that.. better unhealthy self, soulless, mad, without hope… without a home, without people, but at least alive, still alive.. .even if it is no longer necessary in here and now, this hiding and running.
And if the truth doesn't help, we always have love, that connection with ourselves that develops continuously... when it blooms again, we will find ourselves again in the corner and lift ourselves from there into the light again... into the embrace, at least into our own embrace at the beginning... and so we go as if on the same bored, obnoxious, seemingly unsuccessful paths, which never go in a meaningless circle, but rather in spirals, upwards... And here is the turn, where you already put your hands down and forget about what ignites hope again and again, where you surrender to a purely mechanical effort to reach your dreams, she takes your hand again and through the most absurd, even seemingly stupid discoveries and events, you are again in the energy that binds everything together... although it does not destroy the uniqueness in that fusion... and does not distance you so much that you completely break into loneliness.
Hand in hand with truth…she plays hide and seek with power and success…she plays chess games of life and death…of time turned to ashes and time that shines with jewels…she teasingly tests patience and there isn't anything too sharp or sudden for her. There is no crime possible to hide from her…and no saint is untouchable to her. She can seem like the blackest night of your life… and also she can seem like incredibly thick and sun-filled moments that might melt your mind and perception into metals you didn't know existed… she laughs at your efforts of will… she can crush the balance and harmony you've cultivated for decades… and only thing you can do is just give in.. not against her, but into her, into her flow, into her essence... because if this is your direction, she will clothe you when you need it, she will tear away any cover when it stirs you... and she will do so for yourself or for the one you met as any stranger...
All is one, and one is all…. And there is also, ahem... every day somewhere in between :)) with which I congratulate everyone, for now, as long as we have it here and now. Don't get upset and don't get excited too much, or maybe just do what you want, be whatever you want... she is always around, looking after and accommodating. Like a lover scrolling through playlists, trying to tune in to the waves he feels... and respond to them as if it were his only life's task... well, to respond to those waves by providing what is needed... so that you never run out of resources, even if it's empty space that is needed, cleanliness, and purity… coolness, nothingness, and transparency. She always finds ways, that's why you will always be, are, and were ok, even if it doesn't seem like it or not always.
And a completely chilling track from the film "Undoing"... it's thrilling... how love can lead you to most wrong people there can be and how same love leads you out of such a bond.
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.