I would like to talk about relationships again and brush up a bit on my understanding of compatibility with someone.
Over a period of time, I gradually noticed and identified several important aspects in compatibility and the understanding can be improved to make it easier to choose the right partner. For example, in addition to a list of preferences/personal boundaries, you can make 2 lists or schemes (as you like), which basically determine compatibility with someone:
1) The first and probably the most important is the list of values. A person must know his values and you can find it out through conversations with your person over time, how much your values are in match/mismatch. Virtue matrix or compass is an indispensable tool in anyone's life, whether they live with someone or alone. Examples of upheld values may include:
- aesthetics/beauty/creativity etc.
What values/directions prevail in a person, such is and will be his life. Again, the value system does not have to be 100% identical for both partners, some blocks in it may differ, but basically compatibility here guarantees durability and deeply blooming love.
I'm trying to put together my virtue matrix somehow, so I hope I won't talk about it so much anymore, but finally will construct it.
2) The second and very important list is about your life style, goals etc. I will repeat it again, but if you already have a matrix, compass of values, you can also create a map of life goals :) This exercise is also quite difficult and you need to learn a lot about your own daily rhythm, playfulness and willingness to initiate planning, but it is possible. Examples of goals, life style can be about: inclination, passion for certain things, for example: art, politics, travel
- or tendency to be sedentary, desire to have a family, importance of children
- or career, attitude towards finances, sexuality
- or attitude towards self-exploration, self-knowledge, mental health hygiene etc.
If these things do not coincide at all, for example, one person wants to live in the city center, does not want a family, and the other wants to live somewhere in the village and wants not only a family, but also a farm, they simply will not have enough opportunities to get along. Goals, lifestyles don't have to match 100%, but there should be enough overlap on both sides. Also it shouldn't be that one or the other person tries to look only at their/each other's goals and not support their spouse, such a union is doomed to failure. Compatibility here guarantees easy and acceptable togetherness, thereby avoiding tension and the problems arising from it. An example of life goals map can be found in this post.
The following 2 points are not so fatal, I think, but conversation, curiosity would certainly not be a fail. If attraction has already happened, then you can do some research :) Finding out more about your/someone else's character may not be such a stressful and attentive activity but rather a bit of curiosity, a desire to check, to get to know the character classifications prevailing in the world at the moment. These aspects are not very conscious and fit very well next to knowing love/apology languages.
3) Maybe not so important, but quite significant thing is character traits, which can be divided in various ways…
- according to BIG 5 classification,
- according to MBTI,
- according to zodiacs even,
- or whatever else
These things are not so fatal because they do not have such a strong influence, some traits of a character can be changed in the long run. Perhaps I rely on the BIG 5 classification the most, it can give insights on why there are so many gaps, because, for example, a person who takes information and opinion formation from his close social circle will seem stupid and superficial to a person who forms his opinion according to carefully selected rational information from various sources accessible to all. And again, that kind of person will appear robotic, cold and uncommunicative to a socially active person. There will be more about the BIG 5 in next entries.
4) Personal qualities such as physical appearance, energy, IQ, EQ, etc. can probably be attributed to this group. What is important to a person in another person, who really likes
- a certain body type,
- who likes self-sufficiency,
- who likes an emotional connection,
- who likes similar food,
- similar activities, inclinations, etc.
There's a theory that we can have a sudden crush on someone who physically resembles our mom/dad/other caregiver in some way. Music styles, movies… clothes, etc., you name it. This group is probably the most common among people when choosing who to spend more intimate time with, and since it is not so conscious, and it is hardly possible to change these characteristics. Additionally such a relationship is often not aimed at longevity, so well... relying only on this group may not be the best choice but it happens anyway, and often new lives are started accidentally and it is what keeps couples together, although it is not the optimal option for anyone in the family.
For now, I think that’s the basics, what ensures that people are hit by that "chemistry" etc. :D and also what ensures the longevity and durability of the connection.
P.s.: when talking about connection, I usually mean a romantic connection, but almost all factors are also suitable for friendship and bonding between colleagues, etc.
Forgive me and I forgive myself for the long pause inn bloging related to various events due to the start of the war in Ukraine. Hopefully, it will end somehow and we will gradually sort out the whole mess, well, or SOMETHING else will happen AGAIN, which probably won't be a surprise to anyone anymore…
Oh, so that it might be clearer to some whether am I completely insane in combining Peterson with LGBT, here's Post Malone also in not quite usual outfit of medieval armor running in circles somewhere about something... Rapunzel?
P.s.: I don't know for sure if courage can go without insanity, at least a little bit of it... salut!
P.p.s.: all my texts are not aimed at some particular group, majority or minority... I simply don't care about orientation, race, body type etc.; if it suits you - great, if not... I wish you luck in finding the right info for you✌️
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.