Since half of my text was still deleted by the Weebly algorithms before I could save it, I'll somehow try to rewrite the beginning and the end will be original. So... What's the deal with self-control and self-harm? Basically, why do people get into the habit of self-harm... Actually, it is one of several post-traumatic reactions to real or no longer real violence, but simply when the current situation reminds of the experienced situation, in childhood, which was accompanied by violence, it can be physical or psychological or other.
There are basically four of them - trauma responses people act out, some distinguish only three responses or it is also popular to distinguish 5 or even more.
Self-harm usually is classified as a fawn response, why? Well, let's take a simple very physical example for illustration: a person has acted in such a way that you want to hit him or similar... And here you go to him to crack it up, and he suddenly starts hitting himself, or if you want to yell and so at him, and he starts verbally abusing himself loudly, apologizes, diminishes himself, defeats himself, devalues himself... He simply becomes some kind of self-abusive crazy one just before your eyes. Would there be at least some desire to do something for him (or her) then? Most of the time no, not much, you just want to go away and never come back to him or call an ambulance if he's dangerously self-destructing, or be happy that "trash took itself out", or you have this thought "I knew he was fcking nothing, eesh". So the essence of such behavior is to reduce violence to yourself... Because you will abuse yourself not as brutally as others, you will hit yourself maybe not in the eye, but somewhere nearby and not as hard, etc. You can control it, but you can't ever really control another person's actions... That's it. Maybe now it is clear why people can harm themselves... And why and how does it become a problem?
The problem is that if such defense was needed for a very long time and, let's say, constantly, well, if there were no supportive, listening, or at least more curious people around, and you not only experienced some kind of violence every day, but it happened constantly and for a long time. These and similar defenses gradually became a part of life, well...they became parts of YOU...You were and still are now what your environment completely rejected and you simultaneously became and integrated into yourself the parts that mirrored your violent environment. .. And that's why you can still be both yourself and that entity that can and actually does abuse yourself (well because that's how you managed to reduce abuse from others once)... In other words, by the environment in which you grew up you've been taught that this is the way the world is and that this way of treating yourself, it is normal, acceptable, and even encouraged. That's it... And times are changing, the world is bigger than just relatives and school, and gradually an adult man realizes that his behavior is not very adequate, but he just didn't learn it differently, because there was no way to learn it differently... And what's even more sticky is that he/she will involuntarily want to keep the world the way he/she has learned, so those who are either similar to him/her or to that person's environment while growing up will gather around, well, i.e. people similar to his parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, teachers, etc. Closed circle.
This problem, which again is very well and simply called self-hatred... It's really super complicated... Because even if a person goes to therapy, coaching, etc., and even gets a peaceful role model, an environment where there's no violence against them, neither physically nor psychologically... Where a professional can and does make mistakes... and has his/her own problems, doesn't always understand, etc., but is still NOT violent or abusive... Even then, that shadow remains, saying that something is wrong with you and this therapeutic relationship only proves that, healthy people don't go to therapy, they just live lalalala... well, those abusive thoughts and so on, which are cultivated from very young years, directly or indirectly... which sit like a program code in the brain... Besides after getting used to the environment in which you grew up, it is so difficult and scary to change, this coding (scary because of the unknown, and newness)...
Well, but... to put it briefly and simply, I think that no matter how deep the codes of the self-hatred program are written into the brain, it is really possible to change them, and it is the coding, not the arrangement and color of the buttons or something... As so many people think that is a good idea to simply change the design. Like, if I take help, then I am not healthy." Well, usually such people have the belief that through a partner, friends, activities, and achievements, it is possible to "get rid" of it, that self-hatred... but in reality, they only feed it, because the more you "stuff" the wound to look ok, the more it festers ... it just takes good care and openness for real healing to begin. This is also a broad topic, because many specialists conduct very standard sessions, and it is much easier to prescribe drugs after some label of theee diagnosis, instead of long repetitive conversations, and long pumping of unconditional love, until the person slowly slowly recovers... with the risk that they might not recover. My therapist (who has a sufficiently twisted sense of humor :D) keeps telling me that I'm going down the harder paths, but are they really harder if the alternative is a mountain of drugs... or/and some "effective" and "positive" addiction, in my case it would probably be work (with quite fine accomplishments) and toxic relationships (which would be followed by a quite charming and likable climb out of the SAME but slightly different pit). :D Then, well, it's definitely the harder path I choose...
That's it... And if some really important part of your personality has just been pushed into oblivion as non-existent and you now have an impressive self-loathing auto-mechanism on it... I believe it can be tamed... and I give good energy to those who are already trying to tame it.
AHA, but what! about self-control :)) Well, after all, people are told that she/he is out of control when hurting her/himself... It's the other way around... They've learned to control themselves so much that it's beyond the limits of humanity... and they can even be attacky or start gaslighting you and etc, if you show that you don't need that harsh defense with you, that they can release that control at least a little bit. All these demons and monsters, beasts and darkness within... who have become "best" and perhaps the only "friends"... Can slowly give way to the parts that have been pushed out, demoralized, cut off, and left to fate... In this way, self-hatred slowly begins to dissolve. Being red-haired is ok, writing with your left is ok, many things today are ok, what was a complete taboo in some Soviet Union or some Zimbabwe (I have nothing against Zimbabve or other places, I grew up in one like these).
You understand reality and yourself adequately enough, you know well enough who you are and what you want, you know how to make life decisions and choices, you know how to live, and you are ready for secure relationships. Not necessarily ideal, not necessarily flawless... but definitely not necessarily with that inhuman hatred for yourself and your behavior either.
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.