An Ode to Self-Love
So, about this complex, difficult, and perhaps the most necessary topic, which is perhaps comparable in importance and necessity only to the topic of truth or personal truth... Of course, things that require such seriousness and responsibility just turn on the computer's reluctance to save my writing :D which is why everything suddenly disappeared, so I have to do it again, and this time with the help of Libre. I will hardly be able to repeat some poetry though. Anyway, there are not many things as important as love and above all self-love…. It doesn't matter if you are rich, healthy, old, active, smart, handsome or not... she doesn't choose...color, height, strength, mind...power...it all doesn't matter to her. What matters to her is herself and what matters is your relationship with her... she will never give in to your usual tricks... she will always find a way out, she will never listen to noise, and she will find that voice that speaks the truth and which at the same time can be in compassion and understanding the essence... she will not wander in some fog just to make life and yourself seem safer and more fun, comfortable, she rather will find the real you, the one who sits in the dark corner of your soul, forgotten by everyone even by yourself, abandoned, unrecognized, rejected, and as if invisible… she will brush away the dirt and gossip from you, she will not allow herself to be rejected and scared as much as you are scared yourself…. frightened by the image that people around you painted of you for so long that you just got used to choosing them, only those, who can paint you only in the similar way... She does not care, she will never take it for a truth, will never value it, she knows, she feels, she recognizes, she is in no rush, she doesn't push... she doesn't force, she waits and invites. She reminds you that she is here, next to you… she recognizes your ability to perceive and see the passion for life and for who you really are. Who you are for yourself… never stopped being, even if no one ever let you, you brought it into this life, she preserved it and she commands you to reveal it, unfold it…. Open it up and wear it with as much dignity as anyone else can wear their truth and their best selves…proudly, freely, uncommittedly, and respectfully. What matters to her is that you do it and you can't stop because she wants you to not stop…
She will never back down and she will never betray you… Yes, you will think that you have been betrayed for so long and so hard and relentlessly, all the way and all the time… But she will remind you that it was just part of it all. She will never lie to you that there was no such pain and abandonment. Not being seen, not counting as a person... The compulsion not to exist, the compulsion to learn how to treat yourself by yourself like this too... distortion, erasure... the integration of this kind of behavior towards yourself into a norm... into that moral norm that you still, to this day, consider as the only possible guarantor of security, as the only way to get the resources necessary to sustain life... food, shelter, warmth, hugs. She will not deny the millions of masks you still hold, and the self hiding behind them… just not this, just not me, not like that.. better unhealthy self, soulless, mad, without hope… without a home, without people, but at least alive, still alive.. .even if it is no longer necessary in here and now, this hiding and running.
And if the truth doesn't help, we always have love, that connection with ourselves that develops continuously... when it blooms again, we will find ourselves again in the corner and lift ourselves from there into the light again... into the embrace, at least into our own embrace at the beginning... and so we go as if on the same bored, obnoxious, seemingly unsuccessful paths, which never go in a meaningless circle, but rather in spirals, upwards... And here is the turn, where you already put your hands down and forget about what ignites hope again and again, where you surrender to a purely mechanical effort to reach your dreams, she takes your hand again and through the most absurd, even seemingly stupid discoveries and events, you are again in the energy that binds everything together... although it does not destroy the uniqueness in that fusion... and does not distance you so much that you completely break into loneliness.
Hand in hand with truth…she plays hide and seek with power and success…she plays chess games of life and death…of time turned to ashes and time that shines with jewels…she teasingly tests patience and there isn't anything too sharp or sudden for her. There is no crime possible to hide from her…and no saint is untouchable to her. She can seem like the blackest night of your life… and also she can seem like incredibly thick and sun-filled moments that might melt your mind and perception into metals you didn't know existed… she laughs at your efforts of will… she can crush the balance and harmony you've cultivated for decades… and only thing you can do is just give in.. not against her, but into her, into her flow, into her essence... because if this is your direction, she will clothe you when you need it, she will tear away any cover when it stirs you... and she will do so for yourself or for the one you met as any stranger...
All is one, and one is all…. And there is also, ahem... every day somewhere in between :)) with which I congratulate everyone, for now, as long as we have it here and now. Don't get upset and don't get excited too much, or maybe just do what you want, be whatever you want... she is always around, looking after and accommodating. Like a lover scrolling through playlists, trying to tune in to the waves he feels... and respond to them as if it were his only life's task... well, to respond to those waves by providing what is needed... so that you never run out of resources, even if it's empty space that is needed, cleanliness, and purity… coolness, nothingness, and transparency. She always finds ways, that's why you will always be, are, and were ok, even if it doesn't seem like it or not always.
And a completely chilling track from the film "Undoing"... it's thrilling... how love can lead you to most wrong people there can be and how same love leads you out of such a bond.
About THAT journey
Why did I call the subject I'm going to write about "THAT journey"? Because many people want to hear and/or read about this, get to know it, and so on. And why I haven't written so much about it and I haven't really decided whether I will write, although the story is not that simple, I am not exactly sure. Maybe because there is plenty of these already?
Do I want to write, yes I do. Do I want to write from a place where I still struggle to feel good about my past and therefore have trouble integrating it into my life... I don't think I really want it :)) but I think it's a really worthwhile challenge and your bad feelings are not necessarily an obstacle to authentic self-expression, and people will never embrace fake positivity as much as authenticity, because we naturally tend to be and express ourselves as we are. After all, that's the only way we feel free and safe, growing and blooming, and so on.
Well, in one word, this post or article should come out as an ode to the journey towards yourself, healing, authenticity, searching for ways to this goal, etc. I don't know exactly what to write down so precisely... I have even been diagnosed with several of those hard-to-pronounce names that are part of the so-called cluster A personality disorders, and at least a couple of first of those that I got is not officially possible to heal from, and the last diagnosis has significantly more recoveries than relapses statistically... Again, officially such things cannot happen, a person should regress if they have incurable diagnoses or simply live a manageable life with a mountain of medication every day, which I have not taken for at least several years (about 7), and before that, I have taken them quite sporadically as well. I'm not saying that I'm cured, that's what the mental specialists who work with me (at least two or more) say. I don't know if I've recovered and that's not even the most important thing in the finale, I need to show what working with the right specialists and/or working with yourself can do and digging out your authentic "self" and trying to be him/her as much as possible. And yes, I say this as a person who spent the first 12 years of his life in the Soviet Union, where there were simply no lesbians, and gays were put in prisons, not to mention some kind of ufo - transgenders.
I also really liked the comparison of these two diagrams (below) and the rise of the visibility and activity of some groups to positively and effectively integrate it into society, and not to deny its existence, well, it is not without the end, that rise. At some point, that growth curve will flatten out as it did with the left-handed group in the US. It won't necessarily happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. As we can see, among people born in the 1920s - 1950s, an awful lot more left-handed people "appeared" than among people born earlier. This strongly echoes the rather blunt opinion of people that LGBT people are "increasing" in numbers as if there were not so many of them all the time... Well, they were simply not seen, they did not have a voice, although they were certainly never less. And here, among people born later than the 1950s, the number of left-handed people did not change much and remained much higher than at the beginning of the 20th century. The LGBT population in America (and elsewhere) is still growing in numbers, and it's causing a lot of confusion for a lot of people in different ways. I don't think that this growth is eternal and you can laugh a little at those who spread almost panic on this topic and other nonsense.
And finally, because I laughed a lot at Ben Shapiro (if you don't know him, that's ok) on his outrage at Kanye West's generalized anti-Semitic remarks... :D I then remembered the following song:
Oh, by the way, the "narcissism" of transgender people is just a coping mechanism after trauma. It's just that when you're not visible for most of your life to no one while growing up and going through certain stages of understanding your gender/sex completely alone, later, when healing, all this just opens up quite painfully for a while... And also, in general, a lot of things in the medical healing part are simply very related to physicality, that's why we show it... it's quite clear and simple. Well, if a person got rid of enormous excess weight and shows body changes, the results of skin removal surgeries, a lot of nudity, etc., it inspires people, not destroys them :D it's just that... in reality, everyone only sees what they want to see. Good luck
About leadership, briefly
About leadership, because sometimes I'm not sure what it is and why people keep missing it... At least they think it's missing on the outside. In most cases, it is probably still an expression of the inner state of someone.
It's really difficult for me to write about leadership so far because I haven't really come across good courses or good books about it, and relying only on self-concept and intuition is not good. I mean, it's quite bad, if even that is not available to a person, even if he is settled in some specific field (in this case - on the topic of leadership), but without an internal beacon and an engine, you won't get very far... Although it's impossible to predict in advance, I think, judging from my personal experience, no studying and theories can't play out if it's not your boat and you're sailing into the wrong sea. Here's what I've been able to find out so far:
- Perhaps leadership is determined by experience, what were the examples in the family and its history? Were parents/guardians inclined towards leadership in professional life and in general? Were there people in the family history who led not only family life but also were leaders, innovators, and maybe even luminaries of a certain community, village, or town?
- You can recognize it from your behavior in childhood if you were seen in the play yard as someone who brings people together, someone who can fix a more difficult situation, and can fight with people who threaten or mistreat children in the group. Well, in my time :D it was our play-yard kids that were playing in it all the time, now I have no idea what 'play-yard' group can appear? Maybe online computer game teams or so, because you're not the only one playing the game there. It's about someone, who in one way or another initiates or instigates more massive events, such as some massive backyard Robin Hood game or massive movie screenings together. Who appears to be a people gathering center.
- About expressions of leadership. From what I've noticed, some people express their leadership very clearly and they don't cover it up or polish it too much. well, that kind of raw and natural expression. And some people are possibly (I guess again from experience) burned by leadership and not trusting the masses that surround them in that naive manner... well, those who have an awareness that their public face/image/reputation is far from their real self and that these things maybe even should be different, because what is private is fragile and precious enough, and when a public persona is formed externally, it often changes according to the events in the emerging community or organization.
So that public self-image, changes... it has to meet innovations, it has to take into account many people, it has to gather a circle of assistants, advisers and hundreds more of those "have to".. Besides, trusting your life with that public "Self" is such a slippery thing. .. well, you will never have the same real, authentic connection with the masses as with your loved one, friend, or colleague; it is physically impossible to spend as much time together, to share as much attention with a mass of people as it is between two, or let's say, three or a few more people. I'm not sure, but as far as I've had experience, if I had to throw away my reputation or friends, I'd throw away my reputation, because even then my friends remain. And the ways that public "Self" is formed, oof... well, everything happens with it :D because a lot of people can lift you to the sky and can drop you down to ?? well, into a very low and very dark place too. Maybe to become a good leader you need to fail in leadership at least once, to be trampled by people in your group, maybe that's why I'm so grateful for such an experience, it impossibly and indelibly strengthened what my therapist calls having a backbone, an axis, a center for yourself.
- Leadership is probably characterized by the ability to get up and the ability to continue, even if everyone seems like suddenly scattered spiders, waiting for some kind of mana from some magical lands, and if you don't get it, then nothing will happen :D And if you don't get up yourself again and again, no one will care much. Well, in one word, to have that drive that leads you and that is much stronger than you can imagine. This talk is probably about the mission in life, and here it is not even clear whether we choose it or it chooses us :) It is also not worth overestimating your efforts, because even if we want very much to reject that mission of ours or want very much to skate with it at the speed of light, nothing will work, because it will work out as it should, and our destructive or ignorant efforts towards our mission will only destroy our well-being. Trust the process :))
- As I mentioned, I haven't found much or stumbled upon good and practical material in this field so far, but I am sure that it is probably necessary and will appear on time. Below I will share a few sources that I use for now and I promise to continue to find the path of leadership that is most acceptable to me and best fits with the people gathered around me. So, - theoretical knowledge, learning.
- One more nuance... I think that it also determines who is more ideological in the family - not so much a directly expressed leader, and who is obvious, an openly clear one. Because if it is, for example, the father, who's obvious, clear leader, and the child is a boy, he will probably also be a more clear leader in his life; well, if the child is a girl, then she will somewhat more take over the role of the mother's ideological leadership in such a family. I started this article about those "not clearly" expressed leaders... I think that people often just don't accept their more expressed ideological leader in themselves, so they beat others or themselves over it, and otherwise, both expressions are equally respected and valuable. Whatever you are inside, it's good to support and empower yourself as a leader.
In conclusion, what I can say is probably that if you are a good enough leader for yourself, both the obvious, clear one and the more ideological, guiding one... outside people will notice it in the same way. If you can get yourself out of hell if you can keep your ideals even when the devil knows what's going on around you... Then everything is fine with you :) and you are safe for yourself and others around you <3
I've also been looking into these projects, although I haven't participated in any of them yet
- Flow Genom Project I generally like everything related to the state of FLOW.
- GeniusU project is based on the fact that everyone has a different type of intelligence and it is by distinguishing and strengthening it and choosing the right strategies that it enables you to make a serious breakthrough in life.
Healing one's traumas, managing the suppression or fragmentation of one's inner leader, developing emotional intelligence, instilling discipline, etc. are also very helpful strategies.
and by the way...the Arcane movie series is perfect...absolutely
Well, the fourth one remains from all the four factors from the block for relationships that I created:
Mmm... This is perhaps the most unconscious and least changeable group... IQ can also be assigned here, which is quite easy to measure and it hardly changes, and if it changes, it only decreases with age or when you find yourself in an environment that requires a lower IQ... You can assign EQ here too, and without it, IQ is like a good broom (or an ax) without a handle, although you can't measure the EQ, it can be improved to infinity. This factor can also include things of taste, height, musculature... eye color, accent, gait, and a whole bunch of other things. Of course, it should be mentioned here that there are many types of intelligence and you can test yourself and get to know what type you have as well :)
I think this group is basically something that either causes the so-called "chemistry" between people and you feel an attraction to someone, not necessarily only physical, there are different types, well, or you don't feel it... If you don't feel it, you don't really have the desire and motivation somehow to get involved much. I probably support the theory that people often get "hooked" on some similar traits that their guardians/parents have in others, and it doesn't really matter if those traits are very healthy and acceptable in general, here is a separate topic, but it might determine the attraction. It can be built, tone of voice, mannerisms, the energy of a person, etc. Maybe this is where the idea and feeling of "love at first sight" came from. Personally, I have never felt it so suddenly, but there were definitely cases where ~a week was enough, and everything was not necessarily perfect.. just even what was annoying in the person I met, apparently reminded me of something, so my interest only grew, even if I frowned a little :D or went into minor tension with colleagues at work at the same time due to some kind of tension growing in the body or something like that.
What people usually pay attention to a part of the body, is probably how reliable, safe - self-sustained, how well they can communicate, whether they look neat or feel self-confident, are easy to deal with, whether they get along with the environment, have adequacy, self-control, humor. Later, you can already notice what they like, how energetic they are, what their taste in music is, if it is important, what they do in life, and so on. Most people do these things involuntarily when they get to know each other - observe, evaluate, initiate, and participate; maybe everyone is a little different... Depending on what is important to whom.
I would suggest here to make a very simple wish, preference list, a landmark so that you can orient yourself as much as possible, and not just go headless into all and regret it later. Also, make a list of your boundaries, deal breakers: what you wouldn't bare and what boundaries if crossed will most likely push you away from the person. Exchange these lists (ideally if both sides made their lists) so that the other person knows how to navigate when they are with you. It's like a traffic light for relationships 🚦🚦🚦
I would like people to understand that all the work put into relationships is not here to make them almost impossible - relationships themselves, because no one will really do that much, and if they do work on them, it's probably on their own terms and ways. It's really worth trying to build a relationship, no matter how blindly because that's the only way to learn it in general, but what I don't want and I'd really like to discourage is creating families "for the sake of children" that "accidentally" appeared while trying to establish a relationship.. well, because undressing is the simplest task in bonding... this is not the same as to read some articles when all you have to do is get some buzz and tell a good joke. Families like this are dysfunctional and toxic, from which traumatized people grow up and create the future of all of us... For such a couple is difficult to manage to get to know each other and they can hardly understand each other so fast, then later they usually don't even like each other, well, or just get used to not liking each other while staying in a bond or break up... The number of single parents with children is like a major pandemic in the world... and children in these families have to endure all "the relationship", even though no one asked them if it was acceptable to them, it's just that their parents were not ready for neither the relationship nor the children, so a lot of the burden is put on the children, who neither can nor should bear that burden. Well, at least let's use protective measures if the beginning of relationship attempts is quite crazy and overwhelming.
Well, I very seriously suggest making a list of values and goals, because more often than not, these are the determining factors that make you get along with someone or not. For now, personally, my "incredible success" looks like this: there is chemistry, there are even character similarities or suitability, and there was even compatibility of values (it's absolutely unbelievable that a person had a very enriched understanding of this for herself!), but people don't have written their goals for themselves... and then, while already in a relationship, they discover it and it turns out that we can't fit our preferred goals or it's quite tricky to try it :D anyway... to be honest, maybe this can be just a natural conclusion in the finale, because something, some qualities that are conflicting with yours already appear in the process, so then the creation of that list of goals illustrates it more than reveals it - the incompatibility. Let's not waste each other's time and other resources, it leaves a very bad impression and bitterness for a long time, which can definitely be avoided.
So... Now that we have already discussed the consciously chosen or willingly created factors that can determine the success of any connection with another person, we can now move on to not-so-conscious and perhaps not-so-significant factors. They mostly try to describe specific character traits and features. These classifications can be based on immutable things, for example, zodiacs are based on the date of birth, well, or some things that can be changed, because the MTBI classification or even the results of the Big Five test can change during a person's life, as he works on some of his character traits.
The MBTI type indicator is created according to K.G. Jung's "Psychological types" classification. This classification doesn't have a very solid scientific basis, so I don't really know if it's worth studying this system thoroughly, but nevertheless, the tests are interesting, the descriptions of each type are too; there are pages, groups, and even dating apps that either rely solely on the MBTI or make it a significant part of them. From my experience, I can only say that without trying to change my behavior and understanding, my MBTI always had one result - INTJ... But after starting the self-knowledge work, my MBTI type started to change, and now I have no idea, if can I rely on any type in this classification... maybe the hardest part was to "break" the trait of introversion, but quite often I also get the letter of an extrovert now, so somehow I don't pay much attention anymore.
Actually, according to K.G. Jung himself, personality typology has 2 elements:
- namely extroversion and introversion and
- sensations, thinking, feeling, and intuition
It is from this classification that the Myers-Briggs personality test and the 16 personality types were created. According to the Swiss psychologist himself, it is best to simply improve your less expressed tendencies, for example, it is best for an introvert to improve his more extroverted side, or, say for an intuitive person - body sensations, etc.
The test is here. (free of charge)
The Big Five - a topic I'm less familiar with, but maybe even because of that it's more interesting... In addition, at least at the moment, many in psychology recognize this classification as sufficient to determine the personality type, although it already shifts towards 6 personality traits instead of 5 - "[...]it has been suggested that the Big Five system should be replaced by HEXACO, or revised to better align with lexical evidence.." (from Wikipedia). What personality traits are included in the Big Five:
O openness to experience
To get along well with a person in a relationship, it is best not to have a very big gap from each other in all 5 characteristics, except for neuroticism, the less neuroticism both have, the more stable the relationship is. And, well, this indicates the need to try to work on it, if there is a lot of neuroticism, and, yes, it is possible to change it- each trait. For more info on OCEAN traits, see the video bellow
The test is here. (free of charge)
This group of factors influencing relationships can also include love/apology languages.
And in the finale, perhaps it should be said that any, even the most unpopular and irrational classification and contemplation on it is useful simply because during the process you keep thinking about the compatibility, qualities, and character of the two of you and in this way, you get to know yourself and the other person better; it is enriching in any case... And I mention once again that the characteristics of the Big Five can be polished and new behavioral habits can be trained even with a higher neuroticism trait, which is probably the most difficult. It is even advisable to develop balance in all 5 traits. Good luck :)
And I invite you to support everything in a row: Ukraine - definitely, LGBT people's rights actions - yes, animals and everything, and this page, and each other, and your home building without proper support structure would be just a mess. SUPPORT :))
Oh my god.. now, when Katy Perry is sprinkling fireworks in the acoustic background of my working spot, I need to write something that nobody really gets so far... OK, I'll try.
Anyway, there can be goals for your personal life, because at least we can regulate this phenomenon to some extent - our life, however - the dilemma of fate/free will has never been resolved in philosophy, and maybe it never will be, so it just means that we cannot fully control even our own lives. Our lives often are as if they were "given" to us, for example, sexual orientation, birth in a certain country, and so on, and that makes us "the way we are" and it's not related to the idea that we create our life, but still... blind surrender to the life's flow and only to it is short-sighted and leads to getting stuck, wasting your potential and giving your personal power to the environment... the environment that will never be better because of it, since it needs challenges too, not just swimming down the river (only dead fishes swim this way). So, this preordained part relays solely on finding someone you match well enough with and it is like buying lottery tickets, being in the right place, at the right time, etc.. well, in other words, without this personal luck and desire to follow it, it's still possible to highlight the manifestations of your free will/consciousness.
I have already mentioned that thanks to Richard Grannon's courses in the fall of 2020, I was able to put my long journaling about life goals and drawing them into a very simple but effective scheme (you can look at it again here)... Not only that, in those courses you can also quite effectively (even with extremely expressive internal resistance:)) create some list of daily steps you need to do to achieve a long-term goal eventually. It was a lot of fun if put shortly...:)
People who are already in a couple can try to create an exact goal map for their family unit/partnership. People who are starting to pair up, if they already know they're and their partner's life goals/visions - the desired, aspired lifestyle (and their current style is already connected to it in one way or another), so then they can help each other by making some compatibility schemes for better understanding. Here is an example
What you don't want to do for no money is try to hold on only to your own goals and never support your partner's or to constantly abandon your goals and focus on your partner's only. Disaster strategy.
However... even if you have a goal map, it's hard to figure out whether your and your partner's goals are compatible or not, and whether it's worth continuing to work on the connection or not... Well, even if they really match or when they're very different, maybe you can just rely on what a person's major needs are and how they fit with what you need. On this topic, Teal Swan just released a really good video about how trauma causes people to have involuntary needs later on in life:
Well, and to pay final tribute to our existing culture, which still has never disappointed anyone in its development and, so to speak, -only forward!- attitude... Maybe it is best for someone to simply not be in a long-term relationship, but to change them from time to time or to be in a polyamorous relationship or to be in a relationship just to become a dad/mom and that's it, no big romantics there... absolute diversity - all around.
P.s.: if you've come this far and you liked it, would you consider supporting it?? Whether in euros or pounds, or cryptos, or simply by sharing... well, because... it isn't that easy to do sometimes, and because one way or the other all is connected... and each of us just passes the baton to the next one all the time. 🤘🤘🏃♂️🏃♀️
Here it is the list of values... Because I annoyed myself enough with only talking about it and not doing it, although really, REALLY, man, it's not that easy to make such a matrix or something similar, so to speak, you don't have to drive yourself crazy about it too.
One way or another, after internal dramas or simply deathly inner silence, I created it.
Mhm, and now here are some comments on this simply wonderful piece of mine :D
1) God in this matrix isn't necessarily what it is for all Catholics or other Christians, but he is also not just an ordinary concept that does not mean anythingbut just an outdated and worn-out character of the Bible and some other widely spread books. In this context god is the sum of all values, the embodiment of all possible virtues... You may ask, why, if science is some kind of integration of all truth-reality, then the concentration of virtues cannot be something neutral, rational, such as morality... hm, to be honest, I don't really know the answer. However, in religion, God often also has another role, which is usually called logos and it relates to pure rationality... Maybe the answer is: you just don't want to completely become a robot and reduce everything to a neutral, lifeless machinery, but leave space for nature instead, for something that is simply too difficult for one person with one consciousness to grasp.
In psychology, or maybe even in general, the balance between emotions and rationality is quite important... Even the heart has its own neurons (more info - here), and the brain is actually the organ that feels, although the sensations of those feelings and emotions come to us physically through the area of the heart .
2) The four columns of values in the matrix pic are taken from the book King Warrior Magician Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, which is not really a textbook, but rather my choice coupled with my inclination for grouping. It could also be divided into, say:
- Psychology (Magician equivalent)
- LGBT activities (Warrior equivalent)
- Arts (Lover equivalent)
- Community (King equivalent)
3) How to distinguish whether a person has similar or different value systems and so... Well, if you see that some directions do not correspond radically to yours... for example: the opinion of others is not very important to me, well, it is important, I take it into account, because it helps to keep yourself up to date and to improve, but in reality I still mostly rely on my intuition, etc. I listen to people when I know that they are much more knowledgeable in some area than I am, for example in politics or computers or music making or the society of some other country, etc. So, going back to the topic: if a person is very attentive to decency, normativity, etc., this may conflict with my tendency to value authenticity and honesty; and this conflict would arise because something fundamental in both would be violated. However, all the blocks of values should be reviewed, because perhaps the truth and it's honest expression are as important to the person (person that holds decency, normativity for their virtues) as subtlety and tolerance are important to me (even, if I hold authenticity and honesty as virtues too), so it is not necessary that there will be a strong conflict in communication anyway.
If sports are important to a person and not arts.... If his/her direction in life is the career in specific profession rather than community… you just won't find many topics for comunication to each other in the long run and any effort to build this family cabin will be doomed. Compatibility is what determines almost everything, because love can ignite quite often... (at least for me, I almost certainly fall in love with someone who feels something similar to me :D) it's just not an essential indicator, although without it there would be nothing to talk about. And if an union is possible, where love does not slip towards other people, I have not yet experienced it, so it is pointless to theorize about it.
Behold and have a nice time :)) spring has sprung after all 💐
And this ⬇️ is exactly what ruins everything... ⬇️ with those buttons, although hm, probably it's the other way around, really :)) ⬇️
P.s.: compatibility isn't sameness or being different... it's just that directions in your life - your most important values must not be in an ongoing conflict with another person's directions. About this topic - in the next entry.
Key Factors for Relationships
I would like to talk about relationships again and brush up a bit on my understanding of compatibility with someone.
Over a period of time, I gradually noticed and identified several important aspects in compatibility and the understanding can be improved to make it easier to choose the right partner. For example, in addition to a list of preferences/personal boundaries, you can make 2 lists or schemes (as you like), which basically determine compatibility with someone:
1) The first and probably the most important is the list of values. A person must know his values and you can find it out through conversations with your person over time, how much your values are in match/mismatch. Virtue matrix or compass is an indispensable tool in anyone's life, whether they live with someone or alone. Examples of upheld values may include:
- aesthetics/beauty/creativity etc.
What values/directions prevail in a person, such is and will be his life. Again, the value system does not have to be 100% identical for both partners, some blocks in it may differ, but basically compatibility here guarantees durability and deeply blooming love.
I'm trying to put together my virtue matrix somehow, so I hope I won't talk about it so much anymore, but finally will construct it.
2) The second and very important list is about your life style, goals etc. I will repeat it again, but if you already have a matrix, compass of values, you can also create a map of life goals :) This exercise is also quite difficult and you need to learn a lot about your own daily rhythm, playfulness and willingness to initiate planning, but it is possible. Examples of goals, life style can be about: inclination, passion for certain things, for example: art, politics, travel
- or tendency to be sedentary, desire to have a family, importance of children
- or career, attitude towards finances, sexuality
- or attitude towards self-exploration, self-knowledge, mental health hygiene etc.
If these things do not coincide at all, for example, one person wants to live in the city center, does not want a family, and the other wants to live somewhere in the village and wants not only a family, but also a farm, they simply will not have enough opportunities to get along. Goals, lifestyles don't have to match 100%, but there should be enough overlap on both sides. Also it shouldn't be that one or the other person tries to look only at their/each other's goals and not support their spouse, such a union is doomed to failure. Compatibility here guarantees easy and acceptable togetherness, thereby avoiding tension and the problems arising from it. An example of life goals map can be found in this post.
The following 2 points are not so fatal, I think, but conversation, curiosity would certainly not be a fail. If attraction has already happened, then you can do some research :) Finding out more about your/someone else's character may not be such a stressful and attentive activity but rather a bit of curiosity, a desire to check, to get to know the character classifications prevailing in the world at the moment. These aspects are not very conscious and fit very well next to knowing love/apology languages.
3) Maybe not so important, but quite significant thing is character traits, which can be divided in various ways…
- according to BIG 5 classification,
- according to MBTI,
- according to zodiacs even,
- or whatever else
These things are not so fatal because they do not have such a strong influence, some traits of a character can be changed in the long run. Perhaps I rely on the BIG 5 classification the most, it can give insights on why there are so many gaps, because, for example, a person who takes information and opinion formation from his close social circle will seem stupid and superficial to a person who forms his opinion according to carefully selected rational information from various sources accessible to all. And again, that kind of person will appear robotic, cold and uncommunicative to a socially active person. There will be more about the BIG 5 in next entries.
4) Personal qualities such as physical appearance, energy, IQ, EQ, etc. can probably be attributed to this group. What is important to a person in another person, who really likes
- a certain body type,
- who likes self-sufficiency,
- who likes an emotional connection,
- who likes similar food,
- similar activities, inclinations, etc.
There's a theory that we can have a sudden crush on someone who physically resembles our mom/dad/other caregiver in some way. Music styles, movies… clothes, etc., you name it. This group is probably the most common among people when choosing who to spend more intimate time with, and since it is not so conscious, and it is hardly possible to change these characteristics. Additionally such a relationship is often not aimed at longevity, so well... relying only on this group may not be the best choice but it happens anyway, and often new lives are started accidentally and it is what keeps couples together, although it is not the optimal option for anyone in the family.
For now, I think that’s the basics, what ensures that people are hit by that "chemistry" etc. :D and also what ensures the longevity and durability of the connection.
P.s.: when talking about connection, I usually mean a romantic connection, but almost all factors are also suitable for friendship and bonding between colleagues, etc.
Forgive me and I forgive myself for the long pause inn bloging related to various events due to the start of the war in Ukraine. Hopefully, it will end somehow and we will gradually sort out the whole mess, well, or SOMETHING else will happen AGAIN, which probably won't be a surprise to anyone anymore…
Oh, so that it might be clearer to some whether am I completely insane in combining Peterson with LGBT, here's Post Malone also in not quite usual outfit of medieval armor running in circles somewhere about something... Rapunzel?
P.s.: I don't know for sure if courage can go without insanity, at least a little bit of it... salut!
P.p.s.: all my texts are not aimed at some particular group, majority or minority... I simply don't care about orientation, race, body type etc.; if it suits you - great, if not... I wish you luck in finding the right info for you✌️
Nature and Culture, Yin and Yang
Ok... so on ecology in our lives. What do you do about it? Do you recycle your home waste? Or do you try not to use a lot of stuff, and re-use anything you can? What are your choices to not drawn yourself into the sea of things: furniture, clothing, shoes, bags, plants, dishes, food, anything? Do you like it to be as clean and empty as it is in minimalism style or even as for ascetics: only you, backpack, toothbrush, and a bottle of water? Or are you more of the creative, chaotic person, who needs to have a bunch of useless things around him/her, wake up and sleep not by regime or discipline but rather by impulse or mood - in waves and still be fine and ok? What is your prerogative: a chaotic creative style or a clean orderly style. Both of them have their own charm and limits... Or maybe you are someone in between and then get 'eclectic' or 'shallow' labels because of it? Okay... So, about me, myself and I :D again. I like the XIX century ending XXc beginning, why? Because this was sort of a crossroad from something, that was old and slow and constant into something that was suddenly blooming, growing at never seen speed before... everything just exploded: industry, medicine, population, art, all. So, I guess, that defines me as someone, who likes to hold on to, what is oldish and go on with something, what's new. That time has writers such as J.Verne, I can't tell, how much I liked to read him in middle school, telephones were invented, and many other machines. It's something in between posh and rich in ornamental design and clear, and clean, certain strictness of geometry, shapes, and humbleness. I love it. Maybe generation X makes me choose things in "between", neither old style nor digital. I don't know, it just works for me. I enjoy recycling and emptiness just as I love to bring nature home: leaves, plants, tree branches, shells - stuff, "I might need" for this and that and all :D and it's very appreciated and valued. But yeah, windows must be big and lots of light and lightness too.
Hygiene and cosmetics - similar topic, looking, smelling, touching, hearing - body sensations and body-mind, if you can name so. Why it is important, I can't tell but it's funny, how a clean and pleasant environment and your own body makes all things just better, lighter, easier... like after sitting in some cellar and a small, dark place, you go into an empty, open area, where only fresh air, wind, and open space is present. Not no mention, if you can observe all of it from some spot in good height. It cleans your soul, you finally can breathe and feel alive, and you can say, who you are and not sit still and analyze your past, on and on. It's this need for space and freshness, empty head, open heart... only body: bones, muscles, and blood - only those are your life, You, everything, every piece working in perfect harmony. Jesus, how I love this :D so yeah, mainly, hygiene and cosmetics are important... oh right, and some dirt and not being ONLY careful works as well... you know, potato needs fertilizers :) our body needs to fight something to stay awake and ready, also our body parts die every second, every second so many die in general and then.. so many are born, really, I wonder, if bonobos would have developed those brains that we possess now, would they populate the whole planet just like we did? And yet again, if we fly into open space already, how long until immortality's invention? And where all of us will fit... ? And then again, to have a child that is raised peacefully and with awareness can just make it work, not because "everybody does it", everybody does just the same nature programmed them to fulfil instincts and then die, but we can do more, I do believe, as we are nature and it always wins, we do go the right way, way of the nature.
Socialising' pros and pets
Ok, so the next topic, that I truly simply pull out of nowhere, seemingly is about... :D socializing and pets, shall we?
Aha, on pets :D well.... everyone that we sort a "save", funny enough, usually saves us more. There is a great idea in there telling that only losing self with another one gets you to find yourself, paradoxically (is it from Depeche Mode song?).
Also, speaking about pets, a lot of people can learn about parenting simply by having some pets and watching themselves, how do you do with them, Do you like it? Can you be ok with them and care enough, do they have everything? Do you spend some time with them, do you understand do's and don'ts? Can you say they are ok with you and are appreciating you, even if in quite ambiguous ways :)? Are you ok with your daily life and traveling and not getting too busy because of them, you find free time and connect with people as well? So on. If you are ok with your pets and still have a quite fine life, you might be ok with kids too. Again... not to mention that it's a good exercise to learn empathy for kids too - to care about a pet, to understand the needs and emotional state of another one, of course, at the proper age for it.
Some people, who were abused and abandoned by their family of origin in quite severe ways prefer to bond with animals more than people. Might be also just an outcome of copying the behavior of their guardians in early childhood.
Let them stay happy, those paws and all :)
This is my blog about self-knowledge, self-work, emotional healing, growth, psychology, philosophy in general and other related themes.