Path of self discovery

Hello, so one way or the other happy New Year to all :D And hopefully, we all come back to healthier lifestyles after this marathon of some festive domestic variable gluttony :)
And today's topic is a variety of narcissistic behaviour or, say, another term to describe - Flying Monkeys.
Definition by Wikipedia: Flying Monkeys is a phrase sometimes used in popular psychology to describe people who are acting at the behest of another to control a targeted individual. It is a metaphor taken from the Wizard of Oz wherein the Wicked Witch of the West used winged monkeys to carry out evil deeds on her behalf. 
Definition by a Conscious Rethink: Flying Monkeys is a term used in psychology to describe the sycophantic hangers-on who usually orbit around narcissists, and support/defend everything they do.
Synonym: quick addiction

So in another word, shortly put Flying Monkeys are people, who are brainwashed by narcissists to attack their targeted person or a group. The more Flying Monkeys someone has, the better and more powerful attack they can create against someone. Why do ad exactly this to the scapegoat's and black sheep's adventures? Well, again these people were brainwashed a long time ago while being children, so they are perfect people to be brainwashed again and since they do it themselves in profound ways already, that's the behaviour, they needed to integrate for themselves, that's what became "every day's normal". So I wouldn't claim that exactly but I think, especially when a bit lower in life scapegoats would quite easily and effectively become Flying Monkeys for someone. Obviously, they could become the targeted person easily as well, since that is, what they integrated inside their psyche too - being the very obvious, tasty and really magnetic person for targeting. Might be they can appear as a narcissist as well but that isn't very likely, since they are more about being a doormat for someone than an almighty blown-up genie. Although that might happen, when they are on a good wave in their life, since being a doormat or blown up genie are the only ways they knew, so.. if they aren't in their usual role, so then - the opposite. So, again, if the narcissist knows how to convince someone that they deserve good behaviour with them (which scapegoats never had or rarely, so they crave it as water itself) and that they are a righteous and good person for defending good deeds, I have no doubts that would 100% create excellent flying monkey out of a casual person, who grew up in a scapegoat's role. 
One way or another that's how Flying Monkeys work and sometimes, IMHO, you can see this process being applied countrywide... nations wide... How many of us see some country like for example America and what was done to Syria and we can't understand, what on Earth leads people to do those things to other people? And why we are even able to do those things we do sometimes? Because we want security and to belong to someone, something bigger than us? Something, someone, who could care for us and would clearly state to us that we belong? And then we smash entire humanity in us just to have that belonging.... every kindness just for some drops of safety... We cross the line and lose our ground, we don't hear our hearts and that safety we needed vanishes as it has never been here ever... never, ever? never ever.
​Sounds like an exercise of balancing has to be done in better sequence to achieve more healthy interdependency with ourselves and the surroundings, neither sharpened egocentrism nor hyper altruism has done something good for no one.

So best wishes to watch out and stay out of invitations to hunt a person or a group of people for any reason, since these are always somewhat suspicious in the first place with remaining in good shape and ability to defend you and people of your close circle. Patience and intelligent wishes for 2022!

Hello, all the different ones :) How are you doing these days just before the 2022 New Year hits our doorsteps? 
Another piece and another topic: GASLIGHTING. 
Definition by Wikipedia: 
Gaslighting is a colloquialism, loosely defined as making someone question their own reality. 
By Wiktionary:
To gaslight - to mislead someone such that they doubt their own memory, perceptions, or sanity.
Synonym: head-game
Another description by the very well-mind:
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships. It is an insidious and sometimes covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes the target question their judgments and reality. Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to wonder if they are losing their sanity

So shortly it's some sort of a tactic that is going on a long term to make someone question their own reality and sanity to become an easy target for wanted manipulation. Why it is put together with a scapegoat/black sheep mindset? Easy: it's because these kids had to believe they are less just because of no reason, really... They are less than others, they must know that the only way to gain some personal power is to make others believe they are less just because of no reason. Diluted self-worth, self-empowerment, self-love, and self-respect. You can't just simply be, who you really are and be ok with that, being valued, empowered, loved, and respected for who you simply are. The person that you really are can't be worth, loved, respected, and have personal human power, it can't be so and there are no particular reasons for it, so you can't really do anything as well... You are doomed, cursed and you will remain like this until you die, serving, obeying, following, and worshipping others or becoming a tyrant, villain, authoritarian, or dictator. That are only two options for scapegoats/black sheep in the family and kids after growing up repeat these paths throughout their life and pass them on to their own children. It is rarely done to anyone in extremely 100% ways but it can be done about their abilities to succeed in school, succeed in sports, or about their sexuality, their social gender roles, gender identities, race, political views, ability to be financially successful, being practical, being creative and other ways. A lot of times it's done because parents and other people, who help raise children don't know, why a child is different: dyslexic, dysphoric, lefthanded, you name it, it might be because of the social environment they are in like it was Soviets, homosexuality was a crime, lesbian, transgenders and other LGBT people simply didn't "exist".. Lefthanded were burned in middle ages, dyslexic people aren't understood often too, so on. Very often this abuse children get is simply because political and social place their parents live in and have to follow. And that is the point, where healthy individualism might end... simply because every piece of something bigger might change that bigger picture, parents need support just as they need good confrontation about their parenthood to remain balanced and able to withstand the sickness of our society in general, not passing it to their children. It's a job of the titans and parents really need good support while doing it. It's not about parenting and family being an untouchable taboo and it's not about setting every mistake of the parents to be crucial and taking away their children by some third party - both ways are damaging future of humanity... parents mostly always are best people to raise their children but it can be left without any questioning, no questioning strategy creates cult culture and nothing else.
As an example of how people can fall into a rabbit hole of false belief systems:

1. One thing goes to societal pressure and you refuse to hold very important discoveries that are simply smashed by a mob because it destroys "piece": did you know that S.Freud knew about trauma and that his hysterical patients become that because of abuse happened to them within their families and he tried to go on with it,  but then he refused it later on and created that all unconscious bonding with moms theory, which is somewhat freaky to say at least. Guess, C.Jung went similarly but blamed the father figure more... Those were the pioneers but one thing is sure, sir S. Freud did that crazy turn because of the pressure from society and fear of losing his name and career and that is, what cult alike cultures can do... You can read more about it in Judith L. Herman's book "Trauma and Recovery" (pages 8-13), and I am sure, there are many other sources for it.
2. Another thing is to follow the mob with the most popular and widely spread beliefs that are held as revolutionary and, if you want to be cool and ok, you simply follow it and hurt yourself and your close ones in the process: in the boom of feminism and therapy combination there was the very popular process of people going to a childhood trauma recovery. This method involves remembering emotional experiences and these sometimes are mostly just emotional flashbacks, not flashbacks of actual, real events. One of that kinds of fashion victims was one woman, a radical feminist, journalist. She had her marriage fallen apart, had several unsuccessful relationships, was investigating several sexual child cases of abuse so on... So she went to therapy and was led by her therapist to the belief that it can be something with her own self, something deeper than simply a very difficult, cold, disconnected bond with her father... So in this process, she "remembered" sexual abuse that happened with her father in her childhood, and later on, she realized it didn't happen. Shortly put... be careful of what you believe, if!!! you can, because we all function this way... rather than being effective than accurate :) You can read more in Mark Manson's book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" (pages 59-62)

Hi there everyone, who seems like being different :D more or less.
So what is Stockholm syndrome and how it got its name! what it has to do with scapegoating child, while he/she is already adult?

Stockholm syndrome - feelings of trust or affection felt in many cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim towards a captor. (Definitions from Oxford Languages)
It's when a person feels affection, empathy, falls in love, adores his/her abuser and defends him/her because of their more humane and sensitive traits, although abuser keeps being an abuser. It's a real victim's mentality, masochism. It could be done just like in BDSM - by an agreement but! again, this is more about even greater safety and trust as in casual, easy relationship with someone. Because, if you asking to play sado-maso roles with someone, you must have seriously strong safety and trust within that bond. Usually though, it's pretty simple, one is really an abuser and the other is really a victim in such a dynamics. 
Name of this syndrome appeared in one bank robbery accident, when robbers held some hostages and after police got the criminals, their hostages after all the dramas and emotional turbulence were defending robbers and were emotionally bond to them. You can read it here - Norrmalmstorg robbery (1973) or watch it film about it - Norrmalmstorg, whatever is more easy to do for you.
What it has to do with grown up kids that where forced into scapegoat's role in their families? They got used to that particular dynamics, where you are either a bully or a bullied, so that is their used "normal" situation to be in. That means that even though we live in society that doesn't promote that kind of behaviour but if you got used to it from very early age, you might unconsciously be comfortable with it and step into your used roles. Not by your conscious choice but like, if you "wouldn't control it". So scapegoats, if they don't work on their habitual behaviour would seek to be abused or to abuse, depends on the degree they got pushed that dynamics on them in their early age. It's very hard to unlearn it: to understand that you have same worth and power as anyone else and also! anyone else have same worth and power as humans, just same worth and power as your-self, yes, just because they are here, living their lives same as you do. Same amount lovable and respectable. It doesn't mean that people are same in everyway, one knows one thing better, the other does another thing more great, some become criminals, some isolate them-selves, we vary, but fundamentally we don't. This distorted hierarchy in dysfunctional families make kids to believe that some people are better fundamentally than others and the only way to become better is to grow up and make other to believe they are worse fundamentally too (just a copied behaviour of their dysfunctional parents).. And so this creepy chain continues. So.... I really like Sweden and all but let's break the chain, shell we?

 ​Uhm, one more thing to mention is why black sheep and scapegoat are the product of the same abuse, and both roles are put onto the same person/kid.
So first of all you need to become an easy target, you need to look and behave in a way, everyone would say, you don't have usual neurotypical behavior, but rather extraordinary, exotic, special, different. Yes, and when you already became a visible, clear target for alienation, you just will be an outcast, the communal sacrifice to carry away sins of the community, ostracized and then either won't survive or find some piece only among similar ostracized folks. That's, what holds this cycle of being: a target & an outcast, and it hardly ends this cycle .. but it can be broken down gradually, step by step, carefully but without stopping. After all, we all know, no matter how exclusive or excluded a particular group of people may be, the same cruel processes occur in it those groups too. Shortly put - let us not be left rolling the same old songs as some broken record players.
And yeah, I guess, it's best not to worry too much since everyone has at least something that makes them extraordinary, science says it can't be possible for 2 identical people to be born before, now or ever, we just all are extraordinary :D each of us, maybe it's boring but the truth, stay special :D !! And don't go disguised as a black sheep to the Stockholm (syndrome). They gonna simply crucify you there (Legend of Jesus is a perfect example of black sheep/scapegoat dynamics). 
(Stockholm syndrome has never been included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM)

And here is for ears: Muse - Stockholm Syndrome 🎶🎶🎶

Fourth and the last one in the row:
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style (acronym - FA)
The fearful king of a jungle - lion... ok, so.

• These people aren't anything in between from black and white, angel and devil, they are like being two opposites in one and constantly fighting to find peace in between... at least for a moment
• These people can be happy and grateful for the mini second of peace and happiness with someone. That's, that's enough for them to start to adore you. and.... wish you were never born too, since that mini second, they could die for it to repeat, also they would die if it turned into a day or week or years.. since that is another planet for them.
• As kids FAs were abused and abandoned... they couldn't find peace with their caregivers and they couldn't find it alone too... 
• FAs are stressed people constantly being in a state of survival or say, most of the time being in this state. 
• FAs are achievers since every achievement gives some relief for a while. So seriously materialistically successful people might be FAs.
• FAs like endings... end means relief, a temporary state of resting up, not thinking, not doing.. just relaxing.
• Because of that state of survival, FAs have to compensate for it with some super high qualities and impressive skills, they are basically the kings of their area and can do things people aren't capable of even imagining, it's beyond reality as we understand it.

ok... uhm

• FAs might shut down just because they got exhausted... or felt, or understood a threat of abuse or abandonment in a partner or a friend, it might be not even real.. or you don't even understand yet that you might want to leave the relationship with a FA?? Or you want just to rest up, FAs might see it as you leaving for sure and they leave first... they can't take being in surviving state so harshly, they are always in it anyway, so leaving first is somewhat less of the hurt. They might hit, or hurt a friend first too for the very same reasons.
• FAs might have a good capacity for understanding and listening but their state demands resources from them that are simply too huge to ignore.. and they take an enormous amount of energy, so they will seem as slightly troubled, maybe even not very smart people, or heartless or simply autistic, closed, private. 
• Also.. if FAs are going out and about they are in another gear: they are the loudest, most attractive party person, active, shinning, giving a party that would seem out of this world too... suddenly becoming the center of everything in a way, no one can even get, since it's too complicated and heavy to bear, no one will even try it too. Exceptional, extraordinary.

In the land of Oz FA for me is the lion. The quite interesting thing is, FAs while being soooo impressive and exciting.. actually don't have much courage... especially, when it's about being vulnerable. They can't trust you, themselves, and no one but they seem to be someone, who you never ever would want to mess with, like! They fear to open up or to be authentic and sensitive in outstanding, fighting, and other ways. As a lion, who is the king of the jungle... and yet in the land of Oz he doesn't have courage. Such a paradox and contrast, that's a FA world - paradoxical, they want the good bond so desperately and are so seriously incapable to create that for them... :/
There are about 5% of FA in the Western population.

If anyone ever saw movies like Life Is Beautiful you will know, what it is like to be a FA. Father in that movie can create an image that even in a death camp life isn't that bad, he does it to comfort his son. That is exactly, what FAs can do in every situation, it might be paradoxical that everyone could just drop their pants and run, but FA is mostly amazing in situations that are burning with danger and risk... their life is like that simply every and each day, they are trained to face the insanity and sickness with open mind and heart. The insanity of mistrust and disbelief, and brutal cruel corrupt sickness of the people, who will sell their own soul, if that is profitable at the time given while playing on emotions of stressed people. FAs are seeing every possible bull**it through almost instantly and will point it out without asking permission for it. That's the most badass of all the 4 styles, although... the tragedy here is that exact tiredness they have with facing survival - the HORROR state in their mind every second and needing ages to rest up, to withdraw... so these people are those, who like endings.. since the ending is a promise to rest up a bit from craziness they needed to face from the very early age and still... have to run it every day. Before judging a FA, let's have some empathy, this attachment style needs it the most. 
people can change their attachment style ✌️

Ok, going back to attachment styles among adults... First in a row:
Secure attachment style (acronym - SA):
I am not sure, what to tell much about this attachment style:

• this is the most spread style, half of the western population is securely attached.
• this is the most transparent, clear, comfortable, easy, and agreeable style.
• people can vary in social, financial, emotional, intellectual, and success life style in here.
• this style seems most boring and least adventurous.
• this style seems most stable and continuous, safe.
• this style, if learned in the family of origin, makes people meet their partner at their ~30 and stay in the relationship for a long.
• films about that kind of romance aren't very tempting to create or to watch :D

Ok... so that's a short spoiler of this style. Also☝it is very important to mention: people can change the attachment style they learned from their parents. 

​Not sure, what else to ad here:

• secure people can be serious and also very humorous.
• they will know their boundaries and they will know, you have them too.
• they will have preferences and they will be curious about yours.
• they know, they aren't perfect and they are keen to grow and learn.
• they will experience the consequences of their bad decisions and they will not take your responsibilities away from you, just as not to add theirs to you.
• collaborative and aware.
• pretty much, they are just normal.

​I am not sure, why it's always 'they' in this text :D ?? But everyone can become secure if they want to. 

In the land of Oz :) for me Secure Attachment Icon is Dorothy: this person has a heart, has brains, can be vulnerable (has courage) and is secure (person feels at home)... so... I just found this meme and then, let us pray🙏(and don't even think on push on the Dorothy pic, you sacrilegious person! :D) for to become and stay within this frame of saint and cozy security :D but to be honest and a bit more serious... This - attachment style theory, - really might be one of the keys to your ok bonding with the partner and other people, you love. Even with you! Yourself... within, since it's much more effective and fair to work on it and build it from within than wait until someone will "make you whole"... try it :} it's worth it. (Other securely attached people might help, especially attachments therapists)

I would like to mention Esther Perel and her work about exact desire in couples. Secure people don't have a pink dream about not hurting/not being hurt... And sticking together forever, never let go holding hands or being in a very distant, very busy bond, where you spend one romantic evening each week and that's all... 
I mean, at least for me hurt and abandonment, also not being free and uniquely I am big topics, and balancing and surfing in these opposites is a crucial thing to do. I really appreciate Esther's work.

​

There are a lot of resources on attachment styles in English. You can find some in my blog too, like here for example.

Third in a row:
Anxious preoccupied attachment style (acronym - AA):
Scarecrow character, is someone loose with no strong boundaries, a bit brainless... Hm, a bit worried, but always worried about something :D
I know this guy really well, since my own attachment style was exactly that :D, well, before starting to work on my attachments, now it's a bit different (although, you never know until practicing it). 

• Behaviour and navigation in life are based on emotions. Can have a high IQ but will use EQ much more often anyway.
• Worst nightmare for these guys is being abandoned since childhood which was very often their reality and they are traumatized by the pathological abandonment of their caregivers. For a child being alone and without care pretty much is a dead end... the same as being dangerously and constantly hurt (as it was for dismissive avoidants), the child doesn't have the skills and habits yet to be able to fully take care of him/her-self. 
• AAs run after people, who abandon them... Pretty silly, when you are an adult and there are so many options for connection around but it wasn't so, when they were a child, so they just repeat, what they learned: someone close abandons them and they try to gain them back no matter what. They can almost literally swim across the ocean and climb mountains for someone they love. Clingy.
• Believes in the ONE, bonds for a long time even, if it's one-sided love.
• AAs are those people, who are magicians in creating an emotional atmosphere that is simply incredible... You don't even understand, what it is, but you certainly can feel it, sense it, and it becomes part of yourself.

uhm.... ok and:

• Usually artistic, good in languages, verbal or written.
• Very good communicators and wonderful manipulators of the emotional part of any negotiation. Can use even unpleasant emotions to gain and pursue the very best interests of anyone involved in a process or activity. Don't mind seeing a bad guy, although can be devalued and even seriously injured because of that.
• Anything seriously magical and wonderful you got into paintings, photography, books, games, films, theatre, where you sensed that you appeared in completely another world might be created by AAs, they need to constantly be sure you are having all possible comfort and won't in any way leave that (and themselves too).
• They might forget they can think. Lack of emotional and physical closeness in childhood from others created a deficit AAs still try to fill with anyone else while adult. They might be really logical but in the tiniest threat of you leaving, their logic might not exist in a blink.
• Takes a lot of risks and often makes short-tempered decisions. Can lash out and/or burn out, can try to make a partner jealous to keep them around (which most often never works), can destroy/re-create self-identity - go crazy.

In the land of Oz, the anxious preoccupied character is a Scarecrow, he doesn't have a brain and can be led through his life only by his heart. He is spineless just as brainless, light-headed, carless, very merry person :D hipster, trendy, with a taste, needs continuous approval and really good company... very easy to get along, very easy to forget too... just like a bunch of straws in a shirt, very often people even see these people as completely insane and evil and that they are awful in communication, not polite and not tactical. Remind me of a peaceful black giant John Coffey in the "Green Mile" film... Because, whatever AAs do they simply don't use their brain, they use the magic of the heart... and so often are seen as evil-doers by those, who use only the brain or mostly the brain. And the most tragic part here is, I guess, that these sorts of opposite types tend to bond with one another but the text about that will come later on.
BTW Stephen King wrote "The Green Mile" based on a real event... a chilling, horrifying event, don't push the link, if you can't handle the cruelty of people - the story is here.

I also humorously use an acronym for this style - AA (anxiously attached) in comparison to another group or community of people, who have the same acronym AA... Anxious Attachment style feels like some addiction to run after your "drug" when she/he withdraws, ghosts you, or just disappears entirely with or without warning... And you become activated then and run after to fight her/him back from real or not real "enemies". I will be writing more on this soon, it's called the anxious-avoidant trap.

Second in a row in four attachment styles:
Dismissive Avoidant attachment style (acronym - DA):
So, who's that grumpy, calm loner, who wonders about the heart? :)
It's the Tin-man, aye.
You know those cool kids around, who are lonely but do it because of their own choice, they just withdraw? These usually are dismissive avoidants :D Now they don't seem so cool, since they do it only because they have some unresolved issues from before? But they still are cool, at least in the way.
What to say more about dismissive avoidants? hmm

• they highly rely on their intelligence and hardly on emotions.
• emotional world, feelings seem to be slightly another world to them, the world filled with danger.
• they seem to be holding themselves for someone better, greater, more achieving, better looking whatever their best qualities are, they will show them as their own true-self image but it's really just some show-off to avoid showing a more vulnerable, emotional side, they don't trust it.
• practical, calculating, like to save things, planning future, planning need to withdraw. 
• dismissive avoidant was raised in an environment that was hurtful to them, so they learned to cope alone, which was a more safe option to hold. They save resources because if they habitual knowing, they might need to get back to solitude and survive on their own. Dismissive avoidants, if not dealing directly, healing their interrelational issues and habits, will pick a partner, who will or possibly would hurt them, without hurt they wouldn't recognize the bond as a "loving" one. Weird. I know... still it is possible to change your attachment style.

Ok, so if going further:

• DAs are achievers, they are best in the intellectual part of relationships.
• you like to sit them forever while having stimulating, highly interesting, magnetic discussions that don't seem like ending... The whole day, the whole night, it's too good to end.
• disciplined, planned, no gaps, no not necessary details, working like a clock. I just remembered Immanuel Kant and that story that people were checking their clock's accuracy by the daily routine of this man.
• they easily seduce your brain :D and body. So calm, so private, so stable.
• they tend to run from anything emotional, they don't trust it, emotions = hurt - not predictable, not sustainable something that will storm them back into their shell, and your relationship will be too threatening to maintain, so they will abandon it for the need to go back to safety: clear, cold, rational, doing/thinking life. Heart = danger, chaos, and so on. 
• they are detached/dissociated from their emotional, sensual world. 
• 25% of the western population are dismissive avoidants. 

In the land of Oz dismissive avoidant character for me is the Tinman :) calm, trustworthy metal giant, that can't deal on his own with that liquid oil and can't move on by himself, if happens to be stuck. Yep, overthinking and spinning in one place in your thoughts s*cks, I can relate. You can also see lots of similar characters as robots :) they understand they don't have emotions and can reach the same difficulty and richness in the crazy emotional world that people have... and all the patterns and mimicking human behavior can't bring them this chaotic although super powerful feature... so they are just left to evolve their calculations with the hope that one day they will reach difficulty and complexity of the heart. 
There are online courses, therapists, also friends, who are ok with their emotions and might be a good lead to explore your America, DAs, best luck! (And quit smoking.... for god's sake🚭)​

There are quite good quotes by Immanuel Kant, here couple of them:
"Rules for Happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for." 
"Do the right thing because it is right."
Or these below ⬇️ (maybe:D)​

So a bit different topic now and bit different moods.
Working on relationships is a somewhat more joyful and easy topic.
Why narcissism is so a common topic in the community these days? I think it's because this is some sort a "new fashion" to talk about (like it was to talk about millennial's self-entitlement), I never saw so many groups and so many people smashing their narcs: usually, those are their ex-boyfriends/girlfriends or at least they put it this way... And not less often these screamy, super judgmental people seem to be more narcs than those they blame. I am not telling that's the fact but for me they seem exactly that: loud, proud for "not longer being a victim!", telling stories about some widely known killers and molesters and how now they are glad, they got away from their terrible, horrible, super abusive lalala ex-partners... Well, usually, that's the stories I see. Sometimes it's about their parents or similar, that I would believe could be more realistic, still... It might be just the usual show-off of seriously "professional victims", not that they are earning from it but... In these times, when people are reading loads on PTSD, trauma healing.. abusive authorities, political correctness, safe zones so on... Everything became a slight upside-down reality, where people, who can prove they were abused, are more worshiped than people, who were really abused, and are helped... Where people, who are not complying with this insanity but aren't abusive are blamed and punished for it no matter what. We live among liars and manipulative parasites and the more unconscious you are about yourself, the more damage you bring.. the less you can't get the bravery to step out of your "my usual me" and become a more real you, even if hated by so many... you're helping to bring more lies... If an ugly duckling wouldn't break out of his cave for not getting abused, he wouldn't see, who he became.
Again, it's not that there isn't narcissism in families and relationships, there is plenty of that, still. That big bubble blew out of it just doesn't match with the statistical spread of cluster B disorders (including psychopathy and similar) and it counts only 1-6% of the population (source). But of course, that can be a very usual gap between reality and media... since nowadays we can take so many similar examples, like this as well: so many are super screamy about almost every second young person "becoming" a transgender versus statistics showing that at least in 2016 they counted only 0.5 to 0.6% of the population identifying as such in the US (source). It's just hard to understand all... especially when people get so loud and overwhelmingly big experts in knowing, who's a narcissist, who's a molester, who's playing a victim, who's trans, who's transphobe, who's whatever. However, it's tiring.
How ever :D we all have some narcissism in us and it is healthy... Since we all are a bit of the baby and still have moments, where we seem to be the center of the universe and have no boundaries, being united in oneness with someone, something.. Taking someone as a part of us, of our life - seeing another one as a baby, being part of someone's world, of someone. You know, how you say to someone, who you really love: "You're my baby", "baby, come back :D". And we need authority figures in our lives too as a person or some personification: organizations, fiction figures, gods/gods, musicians, establishments, and authors. To guide us, someone, something to follow in our lives, to learn, to trust our growth with them, it's essential for our personal lives and our carers. We pick our partners, who are similar to our masculine/feminine caregivers, usually similar to our dad/mom. We unconsciously want to be similar to those too :) even if opposing the in a rebellious way, the more we protest against them, the more passionately we tell how important that person/personification is to us. Ok, and narcissism evolves during infanthood when the baby can't get proper care and enough of that care: he/she is abused or neglected or both... So after growing up, these people do anything to simply "fix" that: to get proper care and enough of it, even, if they aren't babies anymore. And since babies have to get it unconditionally because they are babies, so, when an adult tries to unconditionally be the center of the universe for others on and on, it is not gonna be ok for no one....No one to have to take care of any other adult without some reason... and you can't be punished for it, of course... that doesn't help people, who didn't get that care, while they were babies. In my eyes therapy and re-parenting one's self could help a bit though, some techniques might help, and there are some games developed, where you can interact with yourself as if you were your own parent or a child, and so on. 
One way or another, let's talk about the kids raised by parents (or one of the parents), and, if those parents have higher narcissism traits or simply can't deal properly with that. Usually, in these families, children are classified and loved differently (can be that there are no boundaries and hierarchy at all, or it changes between inadequate roles and no boundaries depending on the most narcissistic parent's moods):
there is a black sheep or scapegoat - the doomed, troubled child,
lost child - this one is just the one, who never gets attention, he's simply forgotten
and the golden child or family hero - the gifted one, the champion.
And then each of these children develops some syndromes over time, black sheep/scapegoats have Stockholm syndrome, the golden child has a Jocasta complex, and so on.
In other descriptions there can be more roles put on children:
there can be a mascot - clown in the family like Robin Williams,
​also, a surrogate parent or caregiver - a child, who cares about other children in the family.

​Anyway, in my further entries, I will discuss more of those black-sheep and scapegoats roles, since while being the leader of some LGBT+ projects I see these types of people are most often met in there. They pretend to be better than anyone and then suddenly you realize they usually feel as, if they are the most incapable one in the room, doesn't matter what room and among what people... Although they really can see through a lot of shit and they really can't just be ok with that. Brilliant pushovers usually... with some talents and areas, where they are quite secure and safe people. Black sheep or white crow, in general, means being different from others, so... naturally, in countries, where LGBT+ is still somewhat taboo, like in Lithuania as well (talking end of 2021 now), those children are usually pushed into the black-sheep role in the families by definition. Unwanted children, weakest, weirdest, etc., could be based on gender too, whatever reason, there is no real reason for this anyway.

In a previous blog entry, I wrote about ways to work on your relationships. One of my most preferable way to do it is to study and understand Attachment Theory. I found a few groups on Facebook for it, and also a few friends, who are more advance in this topic, and with time, laughing at memes and reading people's discussions I slowly got into some attachment quizzes.
How do you know, what type are you in connecting with others, and how to recognize it in you/your behavior. I never could define it for myself without tests and quizzes, so I recommend just stepping on it and try these:

• On the Personal Development School page Attachment Style Quiz 
• On the Attachment Project page Attachment Quiz 
• and a cool list of other good quality tests HERE 

And again, after you will get your results, let’s keep playful, shall we?
I want to talk about Land of Oz now :D And how watching the 1939 movie about it reminded me exactly about attachment styles and how the kind of every main character a represents each of the styles:
Dorothy          – Secure attachment style      SA
Tin-man         – Dismissive avoidant style     DA
Scarecrow     – Anxious preoccupied style   AA
Lion                – Fearful avoidant type             FA
(Initially, I watched that movie to understand, where psychology term 'Flying Monkeys' came from)
​
Here it’s some easy memes on it

OK, so… first entries on this blog about relationships were slightly chaotic or maybe impatient and I can’t promise that won’t happen again, but let’s try to slowly go to more structured ways.
First of all… how do people work on their relationships? That’s a very good question with some complex answer, IMHO:

1. First and most popular version: try to bond and if you don’t succeed, try to bond over and over again until you will hit such a rough rock bottom that you will be forced to work on yourself or your relationships. Co-dependent type (I'm no one without you or anyone else)
2. Second and also popular way: try, fail a few times, then find a way not to bond (change it with smoking or work) at all or never attach seriously: one night stands, addiction to drugs, including 6 cups of coffee/day, try to find ‘healthier’ addictions to ease the need to connect: workaholism, shopping, sports, money, fame, so on. Yes, people replace their need for fine connections with all possible addictions, very good author, who speaks on this topic - is dr Gabor Mate. Counter-dependent type (You're no one without me or anybody else)
3. Third option, not so popular but possible: realize it’s you, and before any bond again tries to heal your own stuff. That can include all sorts of therapy, coaching, self-knowledge work, and so on. You start by meeting an OK mentor or just an OK person to guide you a bit to it. This method is an OK one… it shakes a lot of rotten belief systems in anyone and at least makes you see yourself in a different light. It teaches you how it’s crucial to be serious about your problems just as lovingly view your own self no matter what. Personally, after OK coaching for years (~5 years) I never wanted any relationship and it was sort of clear to me, I’m quite OK alone and that I can’t see people clearly enough to try to find an OK one, or if I did find someone quit good, they usually didn’t want to connect more intense, so… I was quite happy single and it wasn’t bad. I highly recommend trying this one, if you know, you have problems or if you see, relationships don’t work so well either. It’s way better than psychiatry too, more humane and dealing with the real source of the problems not just putting labels (diagnoses) on it and chemistry (meds) on the top to keep it ‘maintained’ – that’s an easy and brutal fix…IMHO. Independent type (I am alone but not lonely and quite happy this way)
4. Fourth option, also rare but happens: realize that your relationships can’t happen without you even if you think you’re quite OK on your own. Realize, you have social needs and they won’t disappear or seek an OK person to approve that you really naturally don’t need close social bonds (happens as well, although that’s not common). If you have those needs as most people do, they can be met without you or without another person (not you). If you worked on your own persona and your health already, it’s time to look at your abilities to find matching people and to build a preferred and good connection. Interdependent type (I'm in fulfilling relationships but ok in solitude too)

I think, if you’re up to the 1. method you might get lucky with finding someone, who is safe with themselves and is securely attached to others, and for some reason, he/she would be OK to connect with you. That is like winning a lottery more off, maybe some circumstances would be needed for this bond to happen and/or to last though. And if you’re already mature enough not to play the lottery for sustainability… you might be good enough to stop searching for a partner this way too. 
In 2. method I think you might hit the rock bottom quite fast as in the first method too, especially in case of seriously damaging drugs or maybe overdoing in sports, and if you would stay alive and conscious, you might start to search for OK help, self-help, - that’s the point, where you can change the game.
3. method is good… I don’t mind people staying single, even for the rest of their lives, if they are truly OK with it and matching just doesn’t happen or they become a single parent in adoption (or already raising a kid/s from a previously unsuccessful bond). Until you’re a functioning, quite happy person, anyone benefits. While going this way you may hit and heal some basic main issues you had in relationships just by working with yourself. That part of the work is needed to restore and rebuild a more safe connection with others: in your family, in your workspace, with friends, and with a previously existing partner.
4. method, – excellence doesn’t come easy, ain’t it? But you’re still pushing through even if it’s scary and you’re already learned how to appear fragile with some decent armor if needed, - all is new and unknown, a good state to be in though. Here you learn to be good alone, and good at connecting :) and best luck in building your dynamic social cycle, sir or ma’am, no matter how long it will take you and what sacrifices you may face on this journey. In this method, you obviously will not only work on your personal issues but also on connections with others. Can be various ways to do it: attachments style theory, co/counter-dependency question, might be even studying gender roles and related stuff could help, IFS (Internal Family System as a reflection of inner bonding within personality parts), NVC (Non-Violent Communication to create more effective ways for resolving conflicts), therapy, meditation can help just as many other approaches.

And of course… there are lucky people, who are raised in really healthy and securely bonding families and they are just fine and finding OK people early, creating loving and lasting families before or around their 30 and they are ok with being independent just like interdependent. Thanx for all the possible contributions you bring to all of us. It's known, securely attached folks are ~50% of the population in the West, just as ~50% of marriages don't end up in divorce. Not that it is a direct correlation, but still, let's work on it, yeah? with some hope to become better. 
There might be people, who can't let go of healing and going from therapy to therapy or even join some strange self-help groups and activities that obviously won't help. There is a very good and wise middle in this sort of mania of healing too. The less you need help from professionals, the more healthy you are, and really not the other way around, don't get fooled in the opposite way of the usual "I know this all naturally" and bump into the crowd of "I really constantly need help" virtue signaling people. You do know stuff and you're adult enough to go on without professional support when you're ready or to need it in gradually lesser amounts and rarer until it fades out, or in waves. We all have our own unique ways here too. Just listen to this NF rapper, he tells it straight :) or Kylie... confide in yourself and your friends step by step, slowly but steadily and all be fine at the end :) Don't believe it? Bliss n eco will remind you :P  Slowly and repeatedly Sew your heart until it would become a habit.
Also, have to mention that the 4 types mentioned before can come as they’re described and also there can be mixtures of those, - not clearly/purely one or the other type.
The most tragic faith in my eyes is, when people decide to stay in relationships "because of the children" or "because it's too late to find better". And then everyone suffers. Also, when people live with their bottle of beer or carer or TV shows... And then suffer alone in silence...
Long-term research about happiness in life presented in TED talk - here.

​More songs on the topic in case you're lonely with your problems & quite Radio-head too:
Gnarls Barkley
Seal
Halsey 
Avalanches
P! nk
Aerosmith
Patsy Cline
Odd Chap & Little Violet
Cypress Hill
Jamiroquai
or put your own tune on healing, therapy, or some sort of insanity in the comments, that would be awesome :) 

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And in the next entry, I will write more about Attachment Style Theory and how to know your attachment style. Of course, it won't be super scientific but more like filtered through the everyday life lens and arts and all that jazz I usually have in me (I can't work in another way, sorry, if that's not for you, I don't mind). 
Here it's a small taster of what's coming, - 4 attachment styles in a rose garden and their most common acronyms: 
SA - Secure
DA - Dismissive Avoidant
AA - Anxious 
FA - Fearful Avoidant (or Disorganised)