Path of self discovery

Connection to Attachment Styles: FA vs SA
Dreams and moral material naturally overlap with attachment typology: disorganized attachment (FA) lives in constant threat and lacks an integrated "point" from which to calmly step between openness and withdrawal. Its mantra often sounds like: 
"If I'm open – I'll be punished; if I'm closed – I'll be left." 
So, a FA person constantly balances between hot activity and cold passivity, never experiencing safe being in either pole.

In contrast, a securely attached person (SA) can live in both poles' worlds: they feel loved and respected in closeness and distance alike. Their inner Super-Ego is not a voice controlling with a punishing tone, but a structuring and supportive force—one that:
allows being both "I'm open" and "I'm quiet" without panic.

My dreams showed me both paths: at first, I was in the FA image (persecuted, without defense), then—a magical step into SA meaning (a defender appears, Natalia appears). This is not magic, but a consistent process: conscious work on oneself, boundary reconstruction, building inner security.

The Map – Compass in the Chaos 
Such a storm as my dream cycle shows why a map is needed—an inner compass. The map I use connects two axes: happiness goals (inner, feminine: connection, being, caring) and success goals (outer, masculine: structure, action, achievements). When both poles balance, Super-Ego begins to lead safely: it protects but doesn't punish; it creates boundaries but doesn't enslave. Your map acts as an orientation here: when the world—or inner self—turns chaotic, it reminds which way to go. It doesn't block the storm, but helps not get lost in it.

Inner Goals Map (the inner control and evaluation voice) is greatly helped by visually seeing the balance between:

• happiness goals (feminine, inner, nurturing aspect) and
• success goals (masculine, outer, structuring aspect).

This map—prepared based on Arthur C. Brooks' teaching—shows how these two dimensions intertwine through key areas of human life represented as a feminine force:
🜂 Faith – the world of meaning, contemplation, and creativity.
🜄 Family – the realm of legacy, transitions, and material well-being.
🜁 Job – Serving – the field of contribution, responsibility, and reputation.
🜃 Deep Friendship – the foundation of emotional nourishment and physical care.

🟦Blue lines mark goals that bring happiness – connection, being, contemplation (feminine line).
🟨Golden lines – goals that bring success – achievements, structure, growth (masculine line). The balance of these two poles reflects not only the unity of feminine and masculine energy, but also mature Super-Ego – inner authority that no longer punishes, but leads and accepts.

A Bit of Continuity
This map idea isn't new in my journey—I started first attempts to create it during Richard Grannon's course on codependency back in 2020. Codependency is typical for anxious attached people; at that time, I worked specifically with that side of my personality, which was dominant – AP attachment. The map helped me even see where I was, and this new version, based on Arthur C. Brooks' model, is much clearer, more structured, more spiritual. It helps not only orient but also maintain the inner thread when you get lost again between feelings and events. The first maps appeared in my blog back in March 2022. And this updated version I naturally link to this autumn—it again became that same inner compass when everything around is changing. Last autumn, during an emotional storm in my group's chats, people's reactions became like a mirror—they helped me intuitively sense where the safe Super-Ego voice is still lacking (although last year we didn't consciously work on it in my therapy). Thanks to them - chat people 👍
​By the way, I started sharing this updated map for the first time last winter, when my communication with close people was more open.

(Warning: This text mentions experiences of sexual and physical violence.)
This time, I'm sharing not a translation, but purely my own writing—well, and run through ChatGPT for polish. Since Grok is spouting nonsense again, I'll stick to GPT for now.

Conscience Compasses: On Morality, Dreams, and Healing the Super-Ego
This topic isn't foreign to me: how our inner compass forms—for what society calls morality, and what I personally call conscience. I've contemplated these things for a very long time: what society is and who I am, why being an outsider is essential for me. Hiding away in isolation or blending into a crowd that can't connect with you anyway... Just because of the sheer numbers. It's crucial in my life: finding that balance between staying true to myself and true to my calling, which seems tied to working with people.
One of the oldest attempts to define a universal boundary for behavior is the Non-Aggression Principle (NAP): do not initiate or threaten violence against another's life, autonomy, property, or freedom. There are authors who have laid out this principle very systematically—their ideas come with both praise and controversy. It's not the people's names that matter here—but the ideas: without certain frameworks, morality becomes just words. Plus, some authors have been hit so hard by Cancel Culture that not only their channels and reputations, but even Wikipedia articles about them feel like trips through a funhouse mirror of lost minds. It's unimaginable how much the "me too" tribal mindset has captured hearts, rejecting timeless human values like "truth" and "conscience." There is a thought I once heard from one philosopher—that even Christ died on the cross not to maintain divisions—no, His sacrifice was for ALL. For all of us, not some more, others less. Like an absolute force pulsing with devotion, a gesture to erase tribal thinking. And what do we do?? We keep dividing... because that's modern morality: us vs. them. I'm not saying this to justify, but to remind—that even truth loses power when measured by tribes.

One thing I want to emphasize: when physical crimes—murder, rape, theft, slavery—are seen as obviously immoral acts, that's much clearer than their "mental" counterparts. And these inner equivalents—psychological violence done more subtly or insidiously against oneself—often go unnamed, but they can destroy just as deeply, fundamentally, and most importantly—with your own hands against yourself...

And that's where my dreams come in. They've become guides—prayers, visions, sequences of events repeating those four motifs, directed either outward or inward. Below are those dream guides. I write them as they came: visions, sometimes even in the form of prayers.

Dreams as Guides

1. August. The First Vision The light was warm, the air summery. There were a few people, and I was a woman standing alone against aggression. The violence here wasn't just a dangerous moment—it felt like a dark force trying to take my body and my will. I fought back. Around me appeared those who defended the rapist, not me. My defense felt very lonely and powerless. The dream ended in pain and humiliation, and I woke with a sense of helplessness. Even if the dream's motifs weren't unfamiliar, they still hit hard.
2. September. A Smaller Vision A few weeks later, in the dream I became a child. Rape episodes repeated: closeness turned into danger. An older person appeared, trying to defend, but his protection was like a flag late against the storm. I felt the aggression almost crossing the line—it was nearing something that would destroy. The dream had fear, and upon waking, a residue remained—a realization that protection can come too late. I held that help as another moment of violence, when it's useless, but somehow you have to acknowledge that someone defended.

In early October, I performed a personal rebaptism ritual. It wasn't religion, but an inner act of purification—like returning to the Source. A sense of bridge between helplessness and power. Between victim state and the ability to defend oneself. I don't believe in coincidences. (More on this ritual at the end of the post.)

1. October. The Theft Vision Later—a scene whose expression was simple and brutal: someone was pulling me from a car, wanting to take life to seize property. It was a big, burly man. In the dream, I reacted swiftly and lethally—a fair fight, I grab a small, handy knife and stab him in the neck. It wasn't heroic; it was horrific, necessity-driven protection. I woke knowing that boundaries are sometimes drawn TOO HARSHLY.
2. Liberation Scene with a Friend Another dream—like a continuation: I was a fairly young man, 20+. On the bed lay a louder, seductive figure (a music world image from before), somehow trying to seduce to subjugate to her will, her desires, her life, not ours. I started to pull away. And then—without warning—she appeared, Natalia. She stood against that seduction and dealt with it; I didn't even see how, she was as swift as I was with that brute. After that dream, I couldn't sleep deeply for a long time. There was something off... I wanted to lower those defenses, but yes, help came not as a rational plan, but as a phoenix from somewhere straight to the target.

The Meaning of Dreams and UPB's Four Poles – Coincidences
The dreams showed me the same pattern from four moral poles—rape, murder, theft, slavery, —but often directed not just outward, but inward: the specter of violence that forces overreach, raping oneself, degrading, selling out, undervaluing, have you ever felt the whip behind your back as soon as you start resting?; the murderous urge that sometimes rises as a desire to end one's life or let it empty until it becomes unbearably meaningless; theft that takes away the chance to decide, you lose your moral spine, start slicing the sky like a kite tossed by random winds, without an inner engine; deception of the mind within us that grinds and blurs clarity, pushing into mists where you'll find nothing or nothing good. The dreams acted as meditation: they showed where my inner vulnerabilities are most exposed.

Another important thing for me: these dreams were a blend of external experience and some response. At first, I was helpless, then a weak defender appeared, later—I created my own defense, and even later—Natalia appeared, forming a true support. That's steps from trauma to protection, from chaos to center.

Helplessness → weak protection → self-defense → shared defense field with another (union).

​Epilogue:
I want to talk a bit more about returning to the Source.
Whether you call it the Absolute, God, nature, or just truth—doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter if you're religious or rely on morality without divinity—it was important to me.
Returning to those absolute things after being detached for so long from imposed roles is true rebirth.
We once talked with a colleague about the Parable of the Prodigal Son. I think getting lost is meaningful if you really want to leave where you don't belong.
Returning to Him—or Her—with gentle help, switching channels so you reconnect to the all-encompassing energy that feeds this hollow walnut we call the Universe. 🌰😄
Let's try connecting.
If not to the Absolute, then at least to each other.
Because completely disconnected entities—whether people or systems—eventually demonize self.
People who go long without love, closeness, respect, acceptance, care, protection, support, empowerment... they simply dehumanize self.
And by connecting, we relearn to connect within ourselves too.
And if you see someone disconnected—remind. Show. Or if needed, plug them back in—remind them the mushrooms. 🍄‍🟫😄
Because, as one teacher who calls herself a spiritual catalyst said, those mushrooms, are connected through their mycelium much stronger than we humans.
The main thing is that we don't have to experience tragedies just because of disconnection or not knowing (never learned) how to reconnect.
​That's it. 🌿

🔴 ​**The People We Choose**
Lately, I've been reflecting more and more on the people around me. In the past, I thought anyone would do: a thief, a jerk, or a liar – after all, life turned out that way, parents raised them like that, and the soul needs its lessons. I still get that, but now I want a completely different level of people around me. Those for whom, for example, honor, dignity, and conscience mean everything.

Women often don't think about these values because it's assumed they have nothing to do with femininity, don't help find a partner, and only get in the way of a career. That's a misconception. Any relationships – friendship, love, or work – can be long-term and quality only in one case: if people's values align, i.e., their inner "compasses" point in the same direction.

It worries me a lot when a man can't explain what conscience or keeping one's word means to him. If he sees conscience as "I try not to lie, and if pushed I just stay silent," then as a personality, he seems pretty sad. Conscience is so much more. If a person can't define morality for themselves, control themselves, and evaluate their actions, that's really unfortunate 🧭

🟠 **Value Differences Between Genders**

• Men often value clarity, consistency, and responsibility. Conscience shows in keeping commitments and consistent actions.
• Women tend to value the inner moral compass, empathy, and relationship harmony more. Conscience is not just behavior, but also care for others.

A man will value the woman herself and her behavior, which is really an indirect outcome of health of her Super-Ego. And for a man, it's important to teach his Super-Ego safer attachment, because a woman will value his inner world and relationships directly and obviously :D
Of course, wwe can't forget that each of us has both a man and a woman inside :) 🌈

🟡 **Psychology and Responsibility**
Psychology can explain any behavior: countless sexual relationships, manipulations, avoiding responsibility? It's all due to childhood traumas, relationships with mom, or attachment disorders. That's convenient if you want to justify yourself. But if you're already an adult, raise yourself! Seek self-awareness! You can always find an excuse for the pain you cause others, but most of the time, you see what you're doing – at least from the reaction. If your mind is healthy (without organic damage), you have to be able to analyze. Even if an inexplicable force pushes you to steal or use someone else, you can understand, feel that you're harming. And you do understand! But you'd rather shove the doubts deep and justify yourself.

Low values rule a person – money at any cost, pleasures at any cost, indulging whims – he turns into a dirty, low-level creature.
In psychological terms, according to Freud:

• **Id (Instincts)** = desires, instincts, pursuit of pleasure.
• **Ego (I)** = mediator, reality negotiator.
• **Super-Ego (True Self)** = inner moral guardian, conscience.

Ego recognizes and satisfies Id's desires according to Super-Ego's norms and laws. Super-Ego is our inner moral guardian, conscience, which should not be a punishing judge, but a secure attachment guide: supportive, empathetic, helping to grow without chains of guilt. When there's no balance between these three, a person remains unfinished, as if fake, fragmented – with such a one, it's impossible to create anything real 🧠

🟢 **High Values and Inner Purity**
Neither intellect, nor intelligence, nor education create high values on their own. They are born from inner purity and fullness, from constant work on oneself – especially healing Super-Ego so that it gains secure attachment traits: not suppressing, but encouraging to be authentic self. High values turn a person not just into a living being, but into a true Human. Values such as:

• dignity
• respect
• self-respect
• strength of will and spirit
• conscience

– raise high soul vibrations and make a person pure and bright ⚖️

🔵 **Safe Environment**
Such people cannot live, be friends, or work with dirty types. They will never understand. They will always try to suppress and destroy. The unconscious is much stronger and more powerful than the conscious.

Choose people who match your level of values, and you will be happy!
This not only protects your inner harmony, but also helps Super-Ego become a true ally, not an enemy 🛡️
Adapted from Antonina Egorova. Translation and adaptation: Laurynas Sadzevičius